Lincolniana; Or, The Humors Of Uncle Abe - free ebook by Andrew Adderup

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Lincolniana; Or, The Humors Of Uncle Abe

Andrew Adderup

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OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

CONTENTS Preface LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE, The Wrong Pig by the Ear. "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live." Too Literal Obedience. How Uncle Abe Felt. P.P.P. Rattaned for a Rat Joke. The State House Struck by Whiggery. Graphic and True. A Judge of the Post Office. I'm an Inderlid. How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet. "I'll take Number Eleven too." A Severe Retort. Had all the Time there Was. Could Stand it a Day or Two, Not the Worst of it. Accoutred en Militaire. Perils of Illin

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Preface

Preface

Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in a kaleidoscope—every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But if these "lit

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An Involuntary Black Republican.

An Involuntary Black Republican.

Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out his principles—or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style. "I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push republicanism rathe

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The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear alibi or pretty hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court House, Uncle

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"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business," together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His physique presented those angularities that characterized his master, but unlike his owner

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Too Literal Obedience.

Too Literal Obedience.

Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital. "That reminds me of a little story—a little thing that happened to me when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe. "You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as wild honey. The women especially tri

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How Uncle Abe Felt.

How Uncle Abe Felt.

Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over the result. "Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck. After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh, and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case." It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician feels

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P.P.P.

P.P.P.

Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing. In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost his temper. One of the Illinois applicants—a fellow named Jeff. D———r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the Chicago platform to give every village politician an office. "Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "

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Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe—"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service in war." "Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little story.' "When I

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The State House Struck by Whiggery.

The State House Struck by Whiggery.

Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr. Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty." "Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of the times point to it, and—why even the State House is struck with Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a remarkable representation of a "coon" in the s

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Graphic and True.

Graphic and True.

When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked: "Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?" "Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a duff kid."...

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A Judge of the Post Office.

A Judge of the Post Office.

Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed (by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This, while it may h

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I'm an Inderlid.

I'm an Inderlid.

One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B———s, a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows here want to make me work on the road." "Well!" said Uncle Abe. "Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an inderlid , you see." (Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B———s opinion, and forgot to charge a fee.) "O

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How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe." "Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer. 'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are all great rascals.'" "So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus distinguish

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"I'll take Number Eleven too."

"I'll take Number Eleven too."

Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then) rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at the

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A Severe Retort.

A Severe Retort.

Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, a

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Had all the Time there Was.

Had all the Time there Was.

When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he was riding by the premises of old H———, who was notorious for his unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of his corn-field. "Good morning, Mr. H———," said Uncle Abe. "Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning." "Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H———, and kee

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Could Stand it a Day or Two,

Could Stand it a Day or Two,

About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square, in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were." There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the cuisine , and "thereby hangs a tale." Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid h

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Not the Worst of it.

Not the Worst of it.

Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W———in active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency of the times. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and that is not the worst of it— we've got two many old women there!" This was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac. "Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential. To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was built

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Accoutred en Militaire.

Accoutred en Militaire.

In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company" was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer. I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to help himself to most blessings—and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly—at any rate, he corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed his rider, who l

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Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less "magnificence" than it now presents—when Lincoln, Harden, Baker, McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and scarcely known to fame—Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he is in the "land of the living," U

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Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker." "He was when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous cost to the country....

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"Couldn't see It in that Light."

"Couldn't see It in that Light."

A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of intemperance. "Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink less, are more liable to get whipped." "But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking habits," pursued th

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Too Tough for the Rebels.

Too Tough for the Rebels.

When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W———, on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and said— "Well, boys, how do you get along?" "Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all stall fed ." "Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you

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Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe. "Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked wood." "Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar, quaint smiles. "You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was sweet-tempered—few

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An Acre of Fight.

An Acre of Fight.

During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran. His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident weariness. But to the story. Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the Stat

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Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it happened that one Ed. D———n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing ar

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An Egyptian Snake Story

An Egyptian Snake Story

The last county made in Illinois—I don't mean by the Legislature, but by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of the year—is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association—Cairo and Thebes. Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm. Th

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Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A. Mc———d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington, and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The "shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking, by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan, Mac, and a few of the

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Uncle Abe Puzzled.

Uncle Abe Puzzled.

Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner. Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact, as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!" "Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth do you

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Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature. The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The Legislature met in the Presbyterian church. I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves. Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe thrust his right leg out of the window,

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Tried for Scaring the Girls.

Tried for Scaring the Girls.

Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend a few hours in the society of the bon vivants who then assembled—Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening. One evening as they were si

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"Thank God for the Sassengers."

"Thank God for the Sassengers."

Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more religion than

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Was'nt Murder After All.

Was'nt Murder After All.

When the present State House of Illinois, was being built—and it's a passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the summer house up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes—it chanced that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson. This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis' shinplasters. But t

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Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican—a real rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale. In 18—, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had been gone for a long time, he chance

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Has no Influence with the Administration.

Has no Influence with the Administration.

Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman, called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men. "We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I can't grant it." Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of

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A Touching Incident.

A Touching Incident.

The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's character: "At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Ab

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A Lincoln Man Ducked.

A Lincoln Man Ducked.

During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon a barrel in front of a little grocery—and on nearing him, he discovered th

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A Comparison.

A Comparison.

One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron gateway opened, an

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"There's Enough for All."

"There's Enough for All."

Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all. "Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L———d S———t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'" "Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently expected something rich. "Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat o

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Making a President.

Making a President.

Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe Pres

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Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election. "Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.' These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward, don't talk of it.

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Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to "hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

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Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts, not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down— "I smell a mice." "Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe. "Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at all." "Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell

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The Running Sickness.

The Running Sickness.

In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling speculations. "

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How to Get Rid of Rats.

How to Get Rid of Rats.

So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court there, and Col. L———n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was discussing the best w

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A Palpable Application

A Palpable Application

On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged hi

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Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the morale of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President and urge the removal of General Grant. . "What for?" asked Uncle Abe. "Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky." "Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General Grant procures his whisky?" The committee confessed they could not. "Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can find out, I'll send

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Edwards vs. Lincoln.

Edwards vs. Lincoln.

One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W. Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself. "Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week." Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a commissary in the army....

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Metalic Ring.

Metalic Ring.

The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use, replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give the new currency a metalic ring....

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A Grateful Postmaster.

A Grateful Postmaster.

Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster, in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied Uncle Abe, a draft horse."...

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A Serious Joke.

A Serious Joke.

To Wm. Fishback When I fixed a plan for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter fact I have been constantly trying to yield my plan to theirs. I have sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own plan . Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreemen

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Fix the Date.

Fix the Date.

Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said: "Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"...

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Rival of Uncle Abe.

Rival of Uncle Abe.

Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker. "In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every Confederate victory."...

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Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and one-half of another." "Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate, "Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from s

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"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood, was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret that he should have supposed him capable of any military position. "About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back, saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him for everyth

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Aptly Said.

Aptly Said.

To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said: "Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped. It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm. A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his aid. 'Ah,' said he,

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Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and sing out— "Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft, do ye?" "How do you know I don't?" responded the captain. "Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?" "Then, supposing

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Uncle Abe's Valentine.

Uncle Abe's Valentine.

Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of "green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously transmuted. Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness, went to

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"My Mary Ann."

"My Mary Ann."

Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann." An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their confinement. "Ca

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Uncle Abe's Honor.

Uncle Abe's Honor.

At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs. Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be. Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the ———— Hotel, Mrs. L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost as uncertain a

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"Smoke That."

"Smoke That."

During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W. Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out as soon as a n

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A Sufficient Reason.

A Sufficient Reason.

Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe....

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The Boy and the Bear.

The Boy and the Bear.

A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys, turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the bear by

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Too Deep.

Too Deep.

During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.—In this predicament, the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the officer commanding, called out to the men to form two deep . "Blast me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too deep already; I am up to the neck."...

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Uncle Abe's First Speech.

Uncle Abe's First Speech.

When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a certain measure, he rose and began:—"Mr. Speaker, I conceive ——" but could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt; when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable gentleman has conceived three times, and brought forth nothing. "...

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Cute.

Cute.

One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana, and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the landlord, on r

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Abe's Spelling.

Abe's Spelling.

Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean they won't pay for good spelling."...

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A Soldier's Theory of the War.

A Soldier's Theory of the War.

The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the following is a sample: "Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Souther

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Nigger Mathematics.

Nigger Mathematics.

Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you

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Long and Short of it.

Long and Short of it.

"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short of it."— Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at Washington ....

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A Handy Faculty.

A Handy Faculty.

Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:— "Uncle Abe, are you asleep?" "Why?" "Because, I want to borrow some whiskey." "Then" said Abe, " I am asleep. " And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on....

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Uncle Abe on Time.

Uncle Abe on Time.

A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah Abraham, it is a grievous sin—in the first place, consider the loss of time." "Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time—in shuffling and dealing ."...

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A Story that had no Reminder.

A Story that had no Reminder.

During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification—"yes senator, the current seems to be setting all one way!" "It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories since I have been here, permit me if you please,

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Has it "Gin Out?"

Has it "Gin Out?"

We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles he turned r

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A Major

A Major

At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe. The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear. "I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet you at the White House!"...

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A Dry Drop.

A Dry Drop.

A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink. "He ought not to have a drop to drink in this world or the next," said Uncle Abe. "You are rather severe," replied the refugee. "Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it be a drop from the scaffold."...

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Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ——— Illinois regiment. Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history. Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well—which fact he stated in the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. It's that turkey

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The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000 "Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a longer face, reque

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Symptoms of Civilization.

Symptoms of Civilization.

Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be described, for i

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Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations. This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large part

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Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright exclaiming:— "Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!" "Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln. "No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly. "Oh! well, then it will pass , of course," said Uncle Abe. It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."...

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The Wrong Man Poulticed.

The Wrong Man Poulticed.

At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply impresse

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Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large hog weigh." "Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell you." Abe did not examine him further in mathematics....

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Uncle Abe's Nose.

Uncle Abe's Nose.

Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"...

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Take Away the Fowls.

Take Away the Fowls.

After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning, especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she, (as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced fools , "I presume, madam, you

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Uncle Abe Well Fed.

Uncle Abe Well Fed.

Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham you are better fed than taught!" "Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!" Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like him....

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A Man of Means.

A Man of Means.

Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of means." "Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest man in Springfield."...

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Call Again.

Call Again.

When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him....

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Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck, but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain looking."...

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Hit at Antietam.

Hit at Antietam.

Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good fellow where were you hit!" "At Antietam." "Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?" "But where did it hit you!" "At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she d

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A Poor Crop.

A Poor Crop.

An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he, "they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms during a drouth." "How was that?" said the Sucker—"Why," said Abe, looking rather quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they could mow it."...

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Handy in Case of Emergencies.

Handy in Case of Emergencies.

During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by Dr. N———— of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications, the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What is your opinion about them?" "Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask you a question in the line of your profession. C

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Value of a Reputation.

Value of a Reputation.

A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield, Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted....

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Didn't Like the Name.

Didn't Like the Name.

A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against an officer , who is no soldier , for assaulting an old man."...

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Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!" "Yes sir." "Higher

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Uncle Abe's Last.

Uncle Abe's Last.

Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant. The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.— Washington Union, May 16 ....

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