40 chapters
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40 chapters
STORIES FROM THE TRENCHES
STORIES FROM THE TRENCHES
ONE of the strangest of the many personal romances which the war has brought is the tale of a man who, dismissed from the British Army by court martial, redeemed himself through service with that most heterogeneous of organizations, the French Foreign Legion. His name was John F. Elkington, and he had held an honored post for more than thirty years. Then, just as his regiment, in the closing months of 1914, was going into the fighting on the Western front, he was cashiered for an unrevealed erro
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FOUR TO THE GOOD
FOUR TO THE GOOD
In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted into some useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, but just now he is cook to the Blankshire officers’ mess. Smith sent Murphy into the village to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess. “Murphy,” said Smith, the next day, “when you fetch me chickens again, see that they are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterday all got loose, and though I scoured the village I only managed to secure ten of them.” “’S
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CUTE, WASN’T SHE?
CUTE, WASN’T SHE?
He was a young subaltern. One evening the pretty nurse had just finished making him comfortable for the night, and before going off duty asked: “Is there anything I can do for you before I leave?” Dear little Two Stars replied: “Well, yes! I should like very much to be kissed good-night.” Nurse rustled to the door. “Just wait till I call the orderly,” she said. “He does all the rough work here.”...
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EVERY ONE TO HIS TASTE
EVERY ONE TO HIS TASTE
Visitor—“It’s a terrible war, this, young man—a terrible war.” Mike (badly wounded)—“’Tis that, sor—a tirrible warr. But ’tis better than no warr at all.”...
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TRENCH SUPERSTITIONS
TRENCH SUPERSTITIONS
IT is told in the chronicles of “The White Company” how the veteran English archer, Samkin Aylward, was discovered by his comrades one foggy morning sharpening his sword and preparing his arrows and armor for battle. He had dreamed of a red cow, he announced. “You may laugh,” said he, “but I only know that on the night before Crécy, before Poitiers, and before the great sea battle at Winchester, I dreamed of a red cow. To-night the dream came to me again, and I am putting a very keen edge on my
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SOME STUNT—TRY IT
SOME STUNT—TRY IT
Sergeant (drilling awkward squad)—“Company! Attention company, lift up your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you!” One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake. This brought his right-hand companion’s left leg and his own right leg close together. The officer, seeing this, exclaimed angrily: “And who is that blooming galoot over there holding up both legs?”...
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WHEN THE HUN QUIT SMOKING
WHEN THE HUN QUIT SMOKING
Tommy I—“That’s a top-hole pipe, Jerry. Where d’ye get it?” Tommy II—“One of them German Huns tried to take me prisoner an’ I in’erited it from ’im.” LIEUT. GERVAIS RAOUL LUFBERY, an “Ace” of the Lafayette Escadrille, has brought down his thirteenth enemy airplane. The German machine was first seen by Lufbery—who was scouting—several hundred yards above him. By making a wide detour and climbing at a sharp angle he maneuvered into a position above the enemy plane at an altitude of five thousand y
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HORSE AND HORSE
HORSE AND HORSE
An anemic elderly woman, who looked as if she might have as much maternal affection as an incubator, sized up a broad-shouldered cockney who was idly looking into a window on the Strand in London, and in a rasping voice said to him: “My good man, why aren’t you in the trenches? Aren’t you willing to do anything for your country?” Turning around slowly, he looked at her a second and replied contemptuously: “Move on, you slacker! Where’s your war-baby?”...
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WHY TOMMY JOINED THE CHURCH
WHY TOMMY JOINED THE CHURCH
“Tommy Atkins” pleaded exemption from church parade on the ground that he was an agnostic. The sergeant-major assumed an expression of innocent interest. “Don’t you believe in the Ten Commandments?” he mildly asked the bold freethinker. “Not one, sir,” was the reply. “What! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath?” “No, sir.” “Ah, well, you’re the very man I’ve been looking for to scrub out the canteen.”...
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LIFE AT THE FRONT
LIFE AT THE FRONT
HERE are letters from the boys at the front telling the folks at home of their experiences, humorous, pathetic, and tragic. They present pictures of war life with an intimate touch that brings out all the striking detail. James E. Parshall, of Detroit, is serving with the American ambulance unit in the French army. The Detroit Saturday Night , which prints his letter, believes that the “drive” referred to by him was either on the Aisne front or in the Verdun sector. The letter says in part: Dear
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THE “FIDDLER’S TRUCE” AT ARRAS
THE “FIDDLER’S TRUCE” AT ARRAS
TWENTY miles away the Prussians and the Canadians were struggling in the dust and mud for the battered suburbs of Lens, but the trenches which were enjoying the “Fiddler’s Truce” were not marked to be taken by the staff officers of either army, and the only sign of war was the growling of the big guns far away. Here, too, Canadian opposed Prussian, but they did not fight until the death of Henry Schulman, killed by a most regrettable accident. He was only a private and not sufficiently famous as
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CAUSE FOR GRIEVANCE
CAUSE FOR GRIEVANCE
A wounded soldier explained his grievance to his nurse: “You see, old Smith was next to me in the trenches. Now, the bullet that took me in the shoulder and laid me out went into ’im and made a bit of a flesh-wound in his arm. Of course I’m glad he wasn’t ’urt bad. But he’s stuck to my bullet and given it his girl. Now, I don’t think that’s fair. I’d a right to it. I’d never give a girl ’o mine a second-’and bullet.”...
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DOUBLY ANNOYING
DOUBLY ANNOYING
A German spy caught redhanded was on his way to be shot. “I think you English are brutes,” he growled, “to march me through this rain and slush.” “Well,” said the “Tommy” who was escorting him, “what about me? I have to go back in it.” KING GEORGE and Queen Mary have been seeing war at close range. Together they made an eleven days’ visit to the British troops in France, and while there the King experienced the sensation of being under fire. While the Queen devoted herself to the hospitals and t
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THE FEMALE STANDARD OF SIZE
THE FEMALE STANDARD OF SIZE
Lady (entering bank, very businesslike)—“I wish to get a Liberty Loan bond for my husband.” Clerk—“What size, please?” Lady—“Why, I don’t believe I know, exactly, but he wears a fifteen shirt.” “I PICKED that shell right up as it came out of the gun—I saw it go through the air in its flight, and I saw it strike a foot in front of that periscope!” That is the way Lieut. Bruce R. Ware, Jr., U. S. N., who commanded the gun crew of the steamship Mongolia , told of the first American shot fired in th
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HE KNEW WHAT TO DO
HE KNEW WHAT TO DO
A short time back, while a certain general was inspecting a regiment just about to depart for new quarters, he asked a young subaltern what would be his next order if he was in command of a regiment passing over a plain in a hostile country, and he found his front blocked by artillery, a brigade of cavalry on his right flank, and a morass on his left, while his retreat was cut off by a large body of infantry. “Halt! Order arms, ground arms, kneel down, say your prayers!” replied the subaltern...
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THAT WAS THE HYMN NUMBER
THAT WAS THE HYMN NUMBER
Here is a story which if it is not true ought to be. The soldier in the train was dilating on his changed life. “They took me from my home,” he said, “and put me in barracks; they took away my clothes and put me in khaki; they took away my name and made me ‘No. 575’; they took me to church, where I’d never been before, and they made me listen to a sermon for forty minutes. Then the parson said, ‘No. 575, Art thou weary, art thou languid?’ And I got seven days’ C.B. for giving him a civil answer.
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FUNNY THEY HADN’T MET
FUNNY THEY HADN’T MET
Pretty Lady Visitor (at private hospital)—“Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?” Matron—“We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you’re a relative?” Visitor (boldly)—“Oh, yes! I’m his sister.” Matron—“Dear me! I’m very glad to meet you. I’m his mother.”...
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NO END TO THE GAME
NO END TO THE GAME
Two American lads were discussing the war. “It’ll be an awful long job, Sam,” said one. “It will,” replied the other. “You see, these Germans is takin’ thousands and thousands of Russian prisoners, and the Russians is takin’ thousands and thousands of German prisoners. If it keeps on, all the Russians will be in Germany and all the Germans in Russia. And then they’ll start all over again, fightin’ to get back their ’omes.” THE detective work accomplished by the United States Government since its
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DRIVING IS TOO GOOD FOR THEM
DRIVING IS TOO GOOD FOR THEM
He—“And that night we drove the Germans back two miles.” She—“Drove them, indeed. I’d have made them walk every step of it.”...
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NOW THEY DON’T SPEAK
NOW THEY DON’T SPEAK
The Host—“I thought of sending some of these cigars out to the Front.” The Victim—“Good idea! But how can you make certain that the Germans will get them?” THEY don’t raise their boys to be gun-shy down in the mountains of Kentucky, so when John Calhoun Allen, of Clay County, heard that his son had been arrested in New York as a “slacker” he was “plumb mad.” The young man was rounded up with a bunch of other “conscientious objectors” and taken before Judge Mayer in the Federal Court. John C. jun
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CONSOLING INFORMATION
CONSOLING INFORMATION
Mrs. S. Kensington—“We have such good news from the front! Dear Charles is safely wounded, at last!”...
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HE WAS ALL RIGHT
HE WAS ALL RIGHT
Doctor—“Why were you rejected?” Applicant (smiling)—“For imbecility.” “What do you do for a living?” “Nothing; I have an income of six thousand dollars.” “Are you married?” “Yes.” “What does you wife do?” “Nothing; she is richer than I.” “You are no imbecile. Passed for general service.”...
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THE 100-POUND TERROR OF THE AIR
THE 100-POUND TERROR OF THE AIR
WHEN he registered at a New York hotel the clerk looked him over with a supercilious eye. He was a trifle undersized, to be sure, and youngish—twenty-two and weighing only one hundred pounds. And the name, W. A. Bishop, hastily scrawled on the register, meant nothing to the clerk—probably some college stripling in town to give Broadway the once-over. But a little later the same clerk looked at that name on the hotel roster with a sensation as nearly approaching awe as a New York hotel clerk is c
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ALL IN THE SAME COUNTRY
ALL IN THE SAME COUNTRY
The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging to an American traveler, and remarked that “the German Army might get there some time,” should be classed with the London banker who said to a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for her wandering son: “We haven’t any correspondent in San Antonio, but I’ll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any fine afternoon.” THE youngsters at Camp Upton looked with admiring and envious eyes
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NO GREAT LOSS
NO GREAT LOSS
An American stopping at a London hotel rang several times for attendance, but no one answered. He started for the office in an angry mood, which was not improved when he found that the “lift” was not running. Descending two flights of stairs, he met one of the chambermaids. “What’s the matter with this dashed hotel?” he growled. “No one to answer your call and no elevator running.” “Well, you see, sir,” said the maid, “the Zeps were reported and we were all ordered to the cellar for safety.” “——
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HELPING HIS WIFE OUT
HELPING HIS WIFE OUT
An officer was surprised one day when searching the letters of his detachment to read in one of them a passage that was something like this: “We have just got out of shell-fire for the first time for two months. It has been a hard time. The Germans were determined to take our field bakery, but, by gee! we would not let them. We killed them in thousands.” This was a letter from one of the bakers to his wife. None of the detachment had been a mile from the base, and they had never seen a German, e
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MEET TOMMY, D. C. MEDAL MAN
MEET TOMMY, D. C. MEDAL MAN
IF war is not a great leveler—and we have been told numberless times that it is—it is certainly the Great American Mixer, and Camp Upton, L. I., is probably the best example extant thereof, so to speak. The Bowery boy and the millionaire rub elbows—you have probably heard that before, but it is nevertheless true—and the owners of Long Island show places sleep in cots next to their former gardeners. But probably the most interesting character at Camp Upton is the barber who was at one time a serg
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GERMAN FALCON KILLED IN AIR-DUEL
GERMAN FALCON KILLED IN AIR-DUEL
THE old days when armies ceased fighting to watch their two champions in single combat have come back again. It was on the Western front, and the engagement that resulted in the death of Immelman the Falcon, Germany’s most distinguished Ace, was in very truth a duel—no chance meeting of men determined to slay one another, but a formally arranged encounter, following a regular challenge, and fought by prearrangement and without interference. The battle was witnessed with breathless interest by th
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NOT A SELF-STARTER
NOT A SELF-STARTER
“Sam, you ought to get in the aviation service,” a Chicago man told a negro last week. “You are a good mechanic and would come in handy in an aeroplane. How would you like to fly among the clouds a mile high and drop a few bombs down on the Germans?” “I ain’t in no special hurry to fly, Cap,” the negro answered. “When wese up ’bout a mile high, s’pose de engine stopped and de white man told me to git out an’ crank?”...
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TRY IT ON YOUR WIFE
TRY IT ON YOUR WIFE
Extract from lecture by N. C. O.: “Your rifle is your best friend, take every care of it; treat it as you would your wife; rub it thoroughly with an oily rag every day.”...
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HE WAS GOING AWAY FROM THERE
HE WAS GOING AWAY FROM THERE
He—“So your dear count was wounded?” She—“Yes, but his picture doesn’t show it.” He—“That’s a front view.” TAKING moving pictures while exploding shells from pursuing warships and torpedo-boats are sending up geysers that splash your fleeing launch and stall the motor is a little out of the run of even an American war correspondent’s daily stunt. Capt. F. E. Kleinschmidt, who has been billeted with the Austrian marine forces at Trieste, has recently had such an experience while accompanying an e
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COSTS MORE NOW
COSTS MORE NOW
Adam gave one rib and got a wife. Robert Kirton, of Pittsburgh, back from the front, lost seven ribs and then married his Red-Cross nurse. This shows the increased cost of living. THIS is the story of a conspiracy against Uncle Sam—a patriotic plot to be sure, for it is concerned with the son of a Spanish War veteran who was rejected for service in Uncle Sam’s Navy because he was seven pounds shy of weight for height, the said son’s up-and-down dimension being full six feet. It is a story of sup
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NEVER TALK BACK
NEVER TALK BACK
“——and then the Germans charged, and the captain shouted, ‘Shoot at will,’ and I shouted, ‘Which one is he?’ And then they took away my gun, and now I can’t play any more.”...
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GOING HOME
GOING HOME
Visitor—“And what did you do when the shell struck you?” Bored Tommy—“Sent mother a post-card to have my bed aired.” OUR first forces in France were volunteers, part of the old regular Army, though many of the enlistments were recent. The motives leading men to join such an army are varied and in many cases humorous or pathetic. A Y. M. C. A. secretary in France, who had won the confidence of the men with whom he was associated, wondered why each man had come. So he arranged that they should han
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THE NATIONAL GAME
THE NATIONAL GAME
Teacher—“What lessons do we learn from the attack on the Dardanelles?” Prize Scholar—“That a strait beats three kings, dad says.”...
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TOMMY ATKINS, RAIN-SOAKED AND WAR-WORN STILL GRINS
TOMMY ATKINS, RAIN-SOAKED AND WAR-WORN STILL GRINS
FREDERIC WILLIAM WILE, one of the Vigilantes, differs with Sherman in declaring that war is mud. He had just returned from what he describes as one of the periodical joy-rides which the British Foreign Office and the General Staff organize from time to time to give civilians an opportunity to visit the front. Mr. Wile’s visits occurred when the war-god was evidently taking a much-needed rest, for he says that on two occasions when he intruded upon Armageddon he saw more rain than blood spilled.
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JUDGING BY HIS LETTERS
JUDGING BY HIS LETTERS
“Where’s your uncle, Tommy?” “In France.” “What is he doing?” “I think he has charge of the war.”...
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NEW GROUNDS FOR EXEMPTION
NEW GROUNDS FOR EXEMPTION
The two young girls watched the “nutty young Cuthbert” pass along the street. “Did he appeal for exemption?” said May. “Yes,” said Ray, “you might have known he would.” “On what grounds?” “I don’t know,” replied Ray, “unless it was upon the ground that if he went to the war his wife’s father would have no son-in-law to support.”...
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SOUSA’S LITTLE JOKE
SOUSA’S LITTLE JOKE
Lieut. John Philip Sousa, who is organizing military bands for the navy, was talking to a correspondent about the submarine danger. “A friend of mine, a cornet virtuoso,” he said, “was submarined in the Mediterranean. The English paper that reported the affair worded it thus: “‘The famous cornetist, Mr. Hornblower, though submarined by the Germans in the Mediterranean, was able to appear at Marseilles the following evening in four pieces.’”...
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RAPID MILITARY ADVANCEMENT
RAPID MILITARY ADVANCEMENT
A certain west end tailor, being owed a considerable amount by a colonel who was received everywhere in society, made a bargain with the gentleman. He stipulated that instead of paying his debt, the colonel should introduce himself and family into high society. To this the colonel agreed and not long after the tailor received an invitation to dinner. When the tailor arrived in the full glory of a perfect evening dress, the colonel did not recognize him. “Pardon me, my dear fellow,” he said quiet
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