The Awful Australian VALERIE DESMOND Commonwealth of Australia: E.W. COLE. Book Arcade, Melbourne 46 George Street, Sydney 67 Rundle Street, Adelaide The Only Edition Printed in Australia E.W. COLE has been appointed Sole Distributor of A.H. Massina & Co.'s Complete Copyright Edition of Gordon's Poems THEY ARE NOW ISSUED IN TWO STYLES— 1. Crown 8vo. (size 7½ in. × 5½ in.), large type, with "Roll of the Kettledrum," illustrated, and Preface by Marcus Clarke CLOTH Binding, 3/6; also extra

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This strange, topsy-turvey country, not content with having fruit with stones on the outside, has made the unique experiment of handing over its government to its peasantry! Other lands have at times fallen under the sway of the hoi-polloi, but this has always been temporary, and the result of some hysterical upheaval. But in Australia this has not been the case. The electors calmly and deliberately voted the Labour Party into power in April, 1910, and, since then, two of the six ridiculous Stat

One of the strongest prejudices that one has to overcome when one visits Australia is that created by the weird jargon that passes for English in this country. Created is too mild a term to apply to the process. It comes as a positive shock, and I recall with actual pain the morning I awoke as the mailboat lay at Fremantle breakwater, and I heard this horrible patois filter through my porthole to offend my ear for the first time. Strangely enough, English people who have lived in the colonies fo

Governor King, when in Australia in that administrative capacity, wrote in a despatch of his instituting an orphan school:— "It is the only step that would ensure some change in the manners of the next generation. God knows this is bad enough." That was in 1801. I made diligent search, and that is the last evidence I could find of hope having been entertained for Australian manners. My observations during the last few months have convinced me that the average Australian simply doesn't know the m

Everything goes by comparison. If I were unacquainted with England, America, France, Germany and Italy, I might share the delusion cherished by most Australian people—that your women are beautiful. But, having seen the rose, how can I be content with the dandelion? In accepting the praise of Miss Lily Brayton, your women should remember that this popular actress had a royal time in Australia, and probably was not unmindful of the possibilities of a return visit. No, I am not a disgruntled actres

This watchword is the motto of "the national newspaper." It is also the top note of all the Labour party screeches. The national weakness of Australia it shows is instinctive. There is a distrust of its own capability; self-reliance is totally absent; there is no vital growth. Never was the confirmation of such wretched defects in a people so complete as in this confessional clamour, this lack of combating power of pride of race. Ostensibly it is to exclude inferiors, but it really argues agains

There is no work for the phrase noblesse oblige to do in Australia. The nearest one can get to it is noveau riche . For in Australia the parvenu is paramount. The people have no ancestry to boast of; all its nastiness is near the surface. If it isn't the beer pump half the time I am very much mistaken. For the other half history is not silent. Arthur Gayle tells of it in the "Bulletin's" History of Botany Bay. Not so very long ago he wrote: "We are still ridden by the influence and ruled by the

The masterly inactivity of the Australian is something to marvel at. He is, of course, very tired, but how he manages to get along without doing any kind of work from early morn to dewy eve throughout the circle of the golden year I must confess knocks me kite high. It's not that he dislikes work. He is really very fond of it—in the abstract. This is borne out by an account of Sydney business methods published in an evening paper of that city in the form of an extract from a commercial traveller

The Australian policeman never knows anything; it's no use asking him the time even. This gives some idea of police protection, and what goes on in Australia:— "SENSATIONAL ROBBERY. "£600 WORTH OF GOLD STOLEN FROM A POLICE STATION. "The Inspector-General of Police has been notified by the Superintendent at Albury that a sensational robbery has occurred at Tumberumba, in New South Wales, and that something between £500 and £600 worth of gold dust and retorted gold had been stolen from the local p

The Australian is a born loafer. Go you north, south, east, or west in his mortgaged land, and in proportion to the distance you travel, so does this truth broaden upon you—the truth of his loafing propensities. He is also a parasite. The big Australian parasite feeds smaller parasites, and so ad infinitum . Nationally the Australian has been a borrower by choice. He is the spendthrift, ne'er-do-well, who is always a drain on the old man's purse. He has from the start been getting remittances fr

It so happens that the Australian couldn't, even if he wanted to, say, "This is my own, my native land." That is, of course, with any degree of truth. For the Australian has long since put the country in pawn. Instead of evincing any lofty sentiment, however, the Australian is generally to be heard cursing his country, and a good number of him get away from it the first opportunity the good God gives them. And small wonder. It is a land of burlesque. It is built on entirely wrong principles. The

I've been assured by fellow countrymen exiled in this land that if you take an Australian into your club he'll put his hand in his pocket and ask you what you will have to drink. That, of course, is just a little demonstration, meaning that he feels perfectly at home. The Australian clubs take on all sorts of names, but the same atmosphere pervades the lot. In some clubs are men who have been members for years who couldn't tell you where the reading-room was. They only know the way to the bar. B

The man on the land in Australia is represented by two classes, the squatter and the cockatoo farmer. Why the latter is so called I am at a loss to know. He never has a feather to fly with. The squatter is more birdlike. He puts on a lot of "wing," and some of him go so far as to flout a crest. Many of the squatters of to-day in Australia are the descendants of cattle "duffers," as their nondescript herds amply testify. A fine portly legislator of the present time has a couple of well-stocked st

Everyone in Australia is in imminent peril of a title. Nobody is safe. There is no saying whose turn it will be next. When he gets up in the morning the first thing the Australian does is to look at the paper and see if his name is among the list of those knighted or otherwise decorated. The distribution seems to run like a sweep consultation. So many K.C.M.G.'s, so many C.M.G.'s, and so on. Then they put the names of all the people of Australia into a hat and draw for them. There is no other wa

From a close observation of Australian restaurants I have come to the conclusion that the Australian does not eat his food—he wolfs it. He's not very particular either what he eats. (In Queensland earth is in his dieting scale). What he chiefly wants is something to chew, and he usually bites off more than he comfortably can. He's argumentative at the breakfast table, and the less he knows about a subject the more he'll say. One of him wanted to argue with me only the other morning on this very

When I went into the Public Library at Sydney and asked for the catalogue of the Australian poets I thought the attendant, in complying, had handed me the Federal electoral rolls. He said, however, that it was all right. There are just about as many people anxious to make the poetry of the country as there are to make its laws, and among them all they have made a mess of both. Parkes, addressing a public meeting, once said, "I would rather be a third-rate poet than a first-class politician." Som

By MALCOLM C. DONALD A Reply to The Awful Australian To which is added Agnes C. Storrie's Fine Patriotic Poem "A Protest." PRICE SIXPENCE. Printed at Cole's Book Arcade Printing Dept., Howey Place, Melbourne....

By Mrs. LANCE RAWSON. The only book of its kind published in Australia. It contains just what every householder ought to know. It includes Cookery, Jam Making , Preserves , Pickling , &c.; The Household; Fancy Work; The Toilet; Medical Information and Health Hints; Farming Hints; The Orchard; Flower Garden; The Dairy; Doctoring Stock; Poultry Notes; Ham and Fish Curing; Skin Curing; &c. No home is complete without this book. It may save pounds every year. Both wife and husband wi