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Describing Modern Manners and Customs of Courtship and Marriage, and giving Full Details regarding the Wedding Ceremony and Arrangements
Describing Modern Manners and Customs of Courtship and Marriage, and giving Full Details regarding the Wedding Ceremony and Arrangements
By G.R.M. Devereux Author of "Etiquette for Women," etc, etc. First published January 1903 This etext prepared from the reprint of March 1919 published by C. Arthur Pearson Ltd., Henrietta Street London and printed by Neill and Co. Ltd., Edinburgh....
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INTRODUCTORY REMARKS
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS
The word Courtship has an old-world sound about it, and carries the mind back to the statelier manners of bygone days. Nowadays we have no leisure for courtly greetings and elaborately-turned compliments. We are slackening many of the old bonds, breaking down some of the old restraint, and, though it will seem treason to members of a past generation to say it, we are, let us hope, arriving at a less artificial state of things. During the march of civilisation Marriage and the circumstances that
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CHAPTER I
CHAPTER I
The Beginnings of Courtship--Favourable Opportunities--Intellectual Affinity--Artistic Fellowship--Athletic Comradeship--Amateur Acting--Social Intercourse--Different Ideas of Etiquette. Who can fix the exact time at which Courtship begins? It may or may not be preceded by Love; it may coincide with the birth of the tender passion; it may possibly be well in advance of Cupid's darts; or, sad to say, it may be little more than the prelude to a purely business transaction. Opportunities. Men and w
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CHAPTER II
CHAPTER II
Introductions--Recognition of Affinity, or Love at First Sight--How to Follow up an Acquaintance--Kindly Offices of Relations and Friends. Introductions. There are definite laws of etiquette in the matter of introductions. A man has seen the lady once, or, it may be, has watched her from a distance with longing eyes for months past. He may not make himself known to her without the aid of a third person, who should first ascertain whether his acquaintance will be agreeable to the object of his ad
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CHAPTER III
CHAPTER III
Intercourse between Unconfessed Lovers--The Question of Presents--Exchange of Hospitality--The Man who lives at Home--The Man in Rooms. Unconfessed Lovers. There is a fascinating, yet withal tormenting, insecurity in the intercourse preceding an actual Declaration of Love. It may be the ante-chamber to an earthly paradise. It may but prove to be a fool's paradise. George Eliot describes two of her characters as being "in that stage of courtship which makes the most exquisite moment of youth, the
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CHAPTER IV
CHAPTER IV
Intercourse with (1) The Home Girl; (2) The Bachelor Girl; (3) The Business Girl; (4) The Student or Professional Girl--Friends who become Lovers. The Home Girl. As has already been said, the would-be lover will do well to study the workings of his lady's home. If she has many domestic duties to perform he will arrange his spare time to fit in with hers. He will not call at such times as would be inconvenient and run the risk of ructions, simply because he knows she will be glad to see him. He
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CHAPTER V
CHAPTER V
Flirts, Male and Female--He Changes his Mind on the Verge of a Proposal--How She accepts the Situation--How She may give Encouragement or ward off an Unwelcome Offer. It may be questioned whether there is any etiquette in flirtation. Yes, I think there is. Flirts of both sexes may be divided into two large classes--(1) the wanton and deliberate; (2) the kindly and spontaneous. Flirts. The first class are birds of prey. The man is probably very charming, a delightful companion, an ideal cavalier,
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CHAPTER VI
CHAPTER VI
{ 42 } Young Lovers. "Love at twenty-two is a terribly intoxicating draft," says a writer, and the sight of young lovers is one that softens all but the most cynical. We smile at their inconsequence; tremble, almost, at their rapturous happiness; yawn, it may be, over their mutual ecstasies, still we know they are passing through a phase, they are lifted for the time being out of the commonplace, and we make excuses. But these blissful young people are apt to take too much for granted. Because D
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CHAPTER VII
CHAPTER VII
Proposals: Premeditated, Spontaneous, Practical, or Romantic--No Rule Possible--Tact in Choosing the Opportunity--Unseemly Haste an Insult to a Woman--Keen Sense of Humour Dangerous to Sentiment--Some Things to Avoid--Vaguely Worded Offers--When She may take the Initiative. Proposals of Marriage. The modes of making an offer of marriage are as manifold as the minds of the men who make them. The cautious, long-headed man, whose heart is ever dominated by his head, will think out the situation car
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CHAPTER VIII
CHAPTER VIII
Engagements--The Attitude of Parents and Guardians--Making it Known--In the Family--To Outside Friends--Congratulations--The Choice and Giving of the Ring--Making Acquaintance of Future Relations--Personally or by Letter . Engagements. In former days Etiquette demanded that the suitor should first make his request to the lady's parents. This may still be done with advantage in exceptional cases, notably that of a young man with his way still to make, but whose love and ambition prompt him to cho
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CHAPTER IX
CHAPTER IX
His Visits to her Home--The Engaged Couple in Public--In Society--Visiting at the same House--Going about together--The Question of Expenses. His Visits to her Home. If distance parts the loving couple he will only be able to spend his leave, or annual holidays, with her, and will make a point of consulting her movements before he lays any plans for his leisure time. If he could meet her abroad, or at the seaside, he would not go off yachting without her, nor postpone his holiday till the shooti
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CHAPTER X
CHAPTER X
Love-Letters--Long or Short Engagements--Broken Engagements--Clandestine Engagements--When Justifiable--The Mother in the Secret--Friends who act as Go-Between . Love-Letters. There are, I believe, engaged couples who, after parting from each other at 7 P.M., write a long letter before going to bed that night, containing all that they had not time to say. If they have the time and energy to spare it concerns no one but themselves; but it seems a pity to make a rule of this sort, as it may become
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CHAPTER XI
CHAPTER XI
Foreign Etiquette of Engagements--Betrothal a much more Serious Matter than in England . In no other country is an engagement so informal as in England. We find all sorts of ceremonies connected with the plighting of a troth which seems but little less important than the tying of the marriage knot itself. There is less spontaneity and exercise of private judgment on the part of the young people; in fact, there are several countries in which they are allowed no voice in the matter. In Italy girls
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CHAPTER XII
CHAPTER XII
Marriage--Fixing the Day--Preparations--Selecting the Bridesmaids and their Dresses--The Wedding Gown--The Trousseau--Invitations . Marriage. The aim of all true Courtship is marriage, which should take place as soon as an engagement has lasted long enough to serve its purpose, and when other circumstances are propitious. When the man's financial position is sufficiently secured, and the woman is willing to renounce her freedom for bonds that should be blessed, he asks her to "name the happy day
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CHAPTER XIII
CHAPTER XIII
How to Send Them. All wedding presents should be nicely and daintily packed up. Sometimes they are better sent from the shop direct, but in that case the card or cards of the donors should accompany them. Many people tie their cards on with narrow white ribbon, and anything that adds to the daintiness of a present is to be commended. It is a very sensible plan for relations to let the young people choose their own sideboard or dinner service, instead of buying it for them. There is only one draw
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CHAPTER XIV
CHAPTER XIV
The Nature of the Ceremony--Religious or Civil--Banns or Licence--Legal Formalities--Settlements . The Nature of the Ceremony. In most foreign countries a civil contract has to precede any religious ceremony that may be desired. In England the marriage is either religious or civil, though in order to make the union valid certain legal formalities must be observed with every religious form of marriage. The Religious Ceremony will not lightly be set aside by those who regard marriage in its highes
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CHAPTER XV
CHAPTER XV
The Wedding-Day--What is expected of (1) The Bride; (2) The Bridesmaids; (3) The Bridegroom; (4) The Best Man; (5) The Bride's Parents--At the Bride's House--Dressing--Starting for the Church--The Tying of the Knot--Social Aspect--Reception or Breakfast. The Wedding-Day. "Happy is the Bride that the Sun shines on!" runs the old adage, but we may hope that the lives of all English brides are not as grey as the skies under which they are often married. We can also hope that every bride will have t
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CHAPTER XVI
CHAPTER XVI
The Guests--The Presents on View--Starting for the Honeymoon--Dress and Luggage--Where to Go and How Long to Stay--Inevitable Test of Temperament--Possible Disappointments--Disillusion, Passing or Permanent. The Guests. The average crowd, mainly composed of women, who throng to see a wedding are unfortunately notorious for their utter lack of reverence and total want of manners. The invited guests do not always behave in accordance with the rules of etiquette. One hears a running fire of comment
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CHAPTER XVII
CHAPTER XVII
The Return Home--A Plunge into the Practical--Housekeeping--Wedding Calls--The Newly-married Couple at Home and in Society . The Return Home. It is the unanimous and unqualified opinion of those who know, that the first year of married life practically answers the question "Is Marriage a Failure?" The bride who can emerge triumphantly from this searching ordeal will hold her own for the rest of her career as a wife. The newly-married girl or woman has everything to try her mettle. The end of the
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CHAPTER XVIII
CHAPTER XVIII
Mixed Marriages--Differences of Colour--Nationality and Religion--Scotch Marriages--Marriage of Minors and Wards in Chancery. Mixed Marriages. Love overleaps all barriers, and it is of but little use to try and bind it. Marriage, however, is another thing, and can be prevented even where love exists. How far it is right or advisable to do so must be a matter of individual judgment decided by the facts of each separate case. To take an instance. There is a very strong feeling, especially among me
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CHAPTER XIX
CHAPTER XIX
the bride who has preserved her maiden state untarnished--it is not necessarily expected of her--is crowned with a high, glittering crown inlaid with gems, which is the property of the church, and can be hired for five dollars. Special music is also performed in her honour by the rustic musicians. Wedding festivities are marked by unbounded hospitality. There is food and drink for all. When the procession is formed the bride walks last, clad in a gorgeous costume which also may be hired. There
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CHAPTER XX
CHAPTER XX
Runaway Matches--Remarriage of Widows and Widowers--The Children--The Home--Dress--Comparisons. Runaway Matches. The old glamour and romance that idealised the runaway match in the days of post-chaises and wayside hostelries have been destroyed by the express train and the telegraph wire. In spite of the change that has come over our social life, the clandestine marriage does still take place; in fact it has been rather boomed in high circles of late; but it might rather be called a "walkaway" t
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CHAPTER XXI
CHAPTER XXI
Marrying for Love; for Money; for a Home; for a Housekeeper--Concluding Remarks. Marrying for Love. In spite of all that the cynics and pessimists may say, Love should be the Lord of Marriage. "How sweet the mutual yoke of Man and Wife When holy fires maintain Love's heavenly life!" True happiness cannot exist without it, however great the wealth or exalted the position of the married pair may be, while the worst evils of life are lightened and made bearable by its presence. Marrying for lo
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