Mr. Punch's History Of The Great War - free ebook by Charles L. (Charles Larcom) Graves

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Mr. Punch's History Of The Great War

Charles L. (Charles Larcom) Graves

144 chapters

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144 chapters

PROLOGUE

PROLOGUE

Though a lover of peace, Mr. Punch from his earliest days has not been unfamiliar with war. He was born during the Afghan campaign; in his youth England fought side by side with the French in the Crimea; he saw the old Queen bestow the first Victoria Crosses in 1857; he was moved and stirred by the horrors and heroisms of the Indian Mutiny. A little later on, when our relations with France were strained by the Imperialism of Louis Napoleon, he had witnessed the rise of the volunteer movement and

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Mr. PUNCH'S HISTORY of the GREAT WAR

Mr. PUNCH'S HISTORY of the GREAT WAR

Four weeks ago we stood on the verge of the great upheaval and knew it not. We were thinking of holidays; of cricket and golf and bathing, and then were suddenly plunged in the deep waters of the greatest of all Wars. It has been a month of rude awakening, of revelation, of discovery--of many moods varying from confidence to deep misgiving, yet dominated by a sense of relief that England has chosen the right course. Sir Edward Grey's statement that we meant to stand by France and fulfil our obli

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MEDICAL OFFICER: "Sorry I must reject you on account of your teeth." WOULD-BE-RECRUIT: "Man, ye're making a gran' mistake. I'm no wanting to bite the Germans, I'm wanting to shoot 'em."

MEDICAL OFFICER: "Sorry I must reject you on account of your teeth." WOULD-BE-RECRUIT: "Man, ye're making a gran' mistake. I'm no wanting to bite the Germans, I'm wanting to shoot 'em."

Germany in one brief month has given us a wonderful exhibition of conscienceless strength, of disciplined ferocity. She has shown an equally amazing failure to read the character of her foes aright. We now know what German Kultur means: but of the soul and spirit of England she knows nothing. Least of all does she understand that formidable and incorrigible levity which refuses to take hard knocks seriously. It will be our privilege to assist in educating our enemies on these and other points, e

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GOD (AND THE WOMEN) OUR SHIELD Study of a German Gentleman going into Action

GOD (AND THE WOMEN) OUR SHIELD Study of a German Gentleman going into Action

The rigours of the Censorship are pressing hard on war correspondents. Official news of importance trickles in in driblets: for the rest, newspaper men, miles from the front, are driven to eke out their dispatches with negligible trivialities. We know that Rheims Cathedral is suffering wanton bombardment. And a great many of us believe that at least a quarter of a million Russians have passed through England on their way to France. The number of people who have seen them is large: that of those

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PORTER: "Do I know if the Rooshuns has really come to England? Well, sir, if this don't prove it, I don't know what do. A train went through here full, and when it came back I knowed there'd been Rooshuns in it, 'cause the cushions and floors was covered with snow."

PORTER: "Do I know if the Rooshuns has really come to England? Well, sir, if this don't prove it, I don't know what do. A train went through here full, and when it came back I knowed there'd been Rooshuns in it, 'cause the cushions and floors was covered with snow."

We gather that the Press Bureau has no notion whether the rumour is true or not, and cannot think of any way of finding out. But it consents to its publication in the hope that it will frighten the Kaiser. Apropos of the Russians we learn that they have won a pronounced victory (though not by us) at Przemysl. Motto for the month: Grattez le Prusse et vous trouverez le barbare ....

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UNCONQUERABLE THE KAISER: "So, you see--you've lost everything." THE KING OF THE BELGIANS: "Not my soul."

UNCONQUERABLE THE KAISER: "So, you see--you've lost everything." THE KING OF THE BELGIANS: "Not my soul."

Antwerp has fallen and the Belgian Government removed to Havre. But the spirit of the King and his army is unshaken. Unshaken, too, is the courage of Burgomaster Max of Brussels, "who faced the German bullies with the stiffest of stiff backs." The Kaiser has been foiled in his hope of witnessing the fall of Nancy, the drive for the Channel ports has begun at Ypres, and German submarines have retorted to Mr. Churchill's threat to "dig out" the German Fleet "like rats" by torpedoing three battlesh

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THE BULL-DOG BREED OFFICER: "Now, my lad, do you know what you are placed here for?" RECRUIT: "To prevent the henemy from landin', sir." OFFICER: "And do you think you could prevent him landing all by yourself?" RECRUIT: "Don't know, sir, I'm sure. But I'd have a damn good try!"

THE BULL-DOG BREED OFFICER: "Now, my lad, do you know what you are placed here for?" RECRUIT: "To prevent the henemy from landin', sir." OFFICER: "And do you think you could prevent him landing all by yourself?" RECRUIT: "Don't know, sir, I'm sure. But I'd have a damn good try!"

The Kaiser's sons continue to distinguish themselves as first-class looters, and the ban laid on the English language, including very properly the word "gentleman," has been lifted in favour of Wilhelm Shakespeare. The prophets are no longer so optimistic in predicting when the War will end. One of Mr. Punch's young men suggests Christmas, 1918. But 500 German prisoners have arrived at Templemore, co. Tipperary. It's a long, long way, but they've got there at last. The miracle of the Marne has b

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THE EXCURSIONIST TRIPPER WILHELM: "First Class to Paris." CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Then make it Warsaw." CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Well, what about Calais?" CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Hang it! I must go somewhere! I promised my people I would."

THE EXCURSIONIST TRIPPER WILHELM: "First Class to Paris." CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Then make it Warsaw." CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Well, what about Calais?" CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Hang it! I must go somewhere! I promised my people I would."

We have begun to think in millions. The war is costing a million a day. The Chancellor of the Exchequer has launched a war loan of 230 millions and doubled our income tax. The Prime Minister asks for an addition of a million men to the Regular Army. But the country has not yet fully awakened to the realities of war. Football clubs are concerned with the "jostling of the ordinary patrons" by men in uniform. "Business as usual" is interpreted as "pleasure as usual" in some quarters. Rumour is busy

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T.B.D. OFFICER'S STEWARD: "Will you take your bath, sir, before or after haction?"

T.B.D. OFFICER'S STEWARD: "Will you take your bath, sir, before or after haction?"

It is otherwise with Belgium, with its shattered homes and wrecked towns. The great Russian legend is still going strong, in spite of the statements of the Under-Secretary for War, and, after all, why should the Germans do all the story telling? By the way, a " German Truth Society" has been founded. It is pleasant to know that it is realised over there at last that there is a difference between Truth and German Truth. The British Navy, we learn from the Kölnische Zeitung , "is in hiding." But o

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THE CHILDREN'S PEACE PEACE: "I'm glad that they, at least, have their Christmas unspoiled."

THE CHILDREN'S PEACE PEACE: "I'm glad that they, at least, have their Christmas unspoiled."

Yet we have our minor war gains in the temporary disappearance of cranks and faddists, some of whom have sunk without a ripple. And though the Press Censor's suppressions and delays and inconsistencies provoke discontent in the House and out of it, food for mirth turns up constantly in unexpected quarters. The Crown Prince tells an American interviewer that there is no War Party in Germany, nor has there ever been. The German General Staff have begun to disguise set-backs under the convenient eu

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POMPOUS LADY: "I shall descend at Knightsbridge." TOMMY (aside): "Takes 'erself for a bloomin' Zeppelin!"

POMPOUS LADY: "I shall descend at Knightsbridge." TOMMY (aside): "Takes 'erself for a bloomin' Zeppelin!"

We have to thank an ingenious correspondent for drawing up the following "credibility index" for the guidance of perplexed newspaper readers: General von Kluck "never got round on the right." Calais is Calais still, and the Kaiser, if he still wishes to give it a new name, may call it the "Never, Never Land." " General Janvier" is doing his worst, but our men are sticking it out through slush and slime. As for the Christmas truce and fraternisation, the British officer who ended a situation that

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THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED THE EMPEROR: "What! No babes, Sirrah?" THE MURDERER: "Alas, Sire, none." THE EMPEROR: "Well, then, no babes, no iron crosses." (Exit murderer, discouraged.)

THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED THE EMPEROR: "What! No babes, Sirrah?" THE MURDERER: "Alas, Sire, none." THE EMPEROR: "Well, then, no babes, no iron crosses." (Exit murderer, discouraged.)

The number of Mr. Punch's correspondents on active service steadily grows. Some of them are at the Western front; others are still straining at the leash at home; another of the Punch brigade, with the very first battalion of Territorials to land in India, has begun to send his impressions of the shiny land; of friendly natives and unfriendly ants; of the disappointment of being relegated to clerical duties instead of going to the front; of the evaporation of visions of military glory in the rou

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THE SHIRKERS' WAR NEWS "There! What did I tell you? Northdown Lambs beaten--two to nothing."

THE SHIRKERS' WAR NEWS "There! What did I tell you? Northdown Lambs beaten--two to nothing."

At home, though the "knut" has been commandeered and nobly transmogrified, though women are increasingly occupied in war work and entering with devotion and self-sacrifice on their new duties as substitutes for men, we have not yet been wholly purged of levity and selfishness. Football news has not receded into its true perspective; shirkers are more pre-occupied with the defeat or victory of "Lambs" or "Wolves" in Lancashire than with the stubborn defence, the infinite discomfort and the heavy

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RUNNING AMOK GERMAN BULL: "I know I'm making a rotten exhibition of myself; but I shall tell everybody I was goaded into it."

RUNNING AMOK GERMAN BULL: "I know I'm making a rotten exhibition of myself; but I shall tell everybody I was goaded into it."

The fusion of classes in the camps of the New Armies outdoes the mixture of "cook's son and duke's son" fifteen years ago. The old Universities are now given up to a handful of coloured students, Rhodes' scholars and reluctant crocks. As a set-off, however, a Swansea clergyman and football enthusiast has held a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune against Newcastle United." Meanwhile, the Under-Secretary for War has stated that the army costs more in a week than the total estimates for t

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STUDY OF A PRUSSIAN HOUSEHOLD HAVING ITS MORNING HATE

STUDY OF A PRUSSIAN HOUSEHOLD HAVING ITS MORNING HATE

A new and possibly momentous chapter has opened in the history of the War by the attempt to force the Dardanelles. At the end of February the Allied Fleet bombarded the forts at the entrance, and landed a party of bluejackets. Since then these naval operations have been resumed, and our new crack battleship Queen Elizabeth has joined in the attack. We have not got through the Narrows, and some sceptical critics are asking what we should do if we got through to Constantinople, without a land forc

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WILLIAM O' THE WISP

WILLIAM O' THE WISP

These brave men and their heroic brothers in the trenches are true sportsmen as well as patriots, not those who interpret the need of lightheartedness by the cult of "sport as usual" on the football field and the racecourse. And the example of the Universities shines with the same splendour. Of the scanty remnant that remain at Oxford and Cambridge all the physically fit have joined the O.T.C. Boat-race day has passed, but the crews are gone to "keep it long" and "pull it through" elsewhere: Lon

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THE WAR SPIRIT AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM ARDENT EGYPTOLOGIST (who has lately joined the Civic Guard): "No, I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for this group since I noticed Bes-Hathor-Horus was out of step with the other two."

THE WAR SPIRIT AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM ARDENT EGYPTOLOGIST (who has lately joined the Civic Guard): "No, I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for this group since I noticed Bes-Hathor-Horus was out of step with the other two."

A hundred years ago Bismarck was born on April 1, the man who built with blood and iron, but now only the blood remains. Yet one may doubt whether even that strong and ruthless pilot would have commended the submarine crew who sank the liner Falaba and laughed at the cries and struggles of drowning men and women. Sooner or later these crews are doomed to die the death of rats: The tide of " frightfulness" rolls strong on land as on sea. The second battle of Ypres has begun and the enemy has reso

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THE HAUNTED SHIP GHOST OF THE OLD PILOT: "I wonder if he would drop me now!"

THE HAUNTED SHIP GHOST OF THE OLD PILOT: "I wonder if he would drop me now!"

The Kaiser has been presented with another grandson, but it has not been broken to the poor little fellow who he is. It is also reported that the Kaiser has bestowed an Iron Cross on a learned pig--one of a very numerous class. We often think that we must have got to the end of German "frightfulness," only to have our illusions promptly shattered by some fresh and amazing explosion of calculated ferocity. Last month it was poison gas; now it is the sinking of the Lusitania . Yet Mr. Punch had re

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HAMLET U.S.A. SCENE: The Ramparts of the White House. PRESIDENT WILSON: "The time is out of joint, O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!" VOICE OF ROOSEVELT (off): "That's so!"

HAMLET U.S.A. SCENE: The Ramparts of the White House. PRESIDENT WILSON: "The time is out of joint, O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!" VOICE OF ROOSEVELT (off): "That's so!"

Many unofficial voices have been raised in horror, indignation, and even in loud calls for intervention. The leaven works, but President Wilson, though not unmoved, gives little sign of abandoning his philosophic neutrality. In Europe it is otherwise. Italy has declared war on Austria; her people have driven the Government to take the path of freedom and honour and break the shackles of Germanism in finance, commerce and politics. Italy has not declared war on Germany yet, but the fury of the Ge

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THE REWARD OF KULTUR

THE REWARD OF KULTUR

At home the great event has been the formation of a Coalition Government--a two-handed sword, as we hope, to smite the enemy; while practical people regard it rather as a "Coal and Ammunition Government." The cost of the War is now Two Millions a day, and a new campaign of Posters and Publicity has been inaugurated to promote recruiting. Volunteers, with scant official recognition, continue their training on foot; the Hurst Park brigade continue their activities, mainly on rubber wheels. An even

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VICTORY IN GALLIPOLI. LATE WIRE FROM CHESTER.

VICTORY IN GALLIPOLI. LATE WIRE FROM CHESTER.

Mr. Punch is prompted to comment: More agreeable is the sportsmanship of the trenches, where a correspondent tells of the shooting of a hare and the recovery of the corpse, by a reckless Tommy, from the turnip-field which separated our trenches from those of Fritz. Amongst other signs of the times the emergence of the Spy Play is to be noted, in which the alien enemy within our gates is gloriously confounded. Yet, if a certain section of the Press is to be believed, the dark and sinister operati

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SOME BIRD THE RETURNING DOVE (to President Woodrow Noah): "Nothing doing." THE EAGLE: "Say, Boss, what's the matter with trying me?"

SOME BIRD THE RETURNING DOVE (to President Woodrow Noah): "Nothing doing." THE EAGLE: "Say, Boss, what's the matter with trying me?"

But Germany does not merely talk. She has been indulging in drastic reprisals in consequence of Mr. Winston Churchill's memorandum on the captured submarine crews. As a result 39 imprisoned British officers, carefully selected, have been subjected to solitary confinement under distressing conditions in return for Mr. Churchill's having hinted at possible severities which were never carried out. Moral: Do not threaten unless you mean to act. The retirement of Mr. Churchill to the seclusion of the

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THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA SINBAD THE KAISER: "This submarine business is going to get me into trouble with America; but what can an All-Powerful do with a thing like this on his back?"

THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA SINBAD THE KAISER: "This submarine business is going to get me into trouble with America; but what can an All-Powerful do with a thing like this on his back?"

When officers come home on leave and find England standing where she did, their views support the weather-beaten major who said that it was "worth going to a little trouble and expense to keep that intact." But you can hardly expect people who live in trenches which have had to be rebuilt twice daily for the last few months and are shelled at all hours of the day or night, to compassionate the occasional trials of the home-keeping bomb-dodger. The war, as it goes on, seems to bring out the best

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AFTER ONE YEAR

AFTER ONE YEAR

At any rate, we know for certain that British submarines have made their way into the Baltic, a "sea change" extremely disquieting to the Germans, who, for the rest, have suffered in a naval scrap in the Gulf of Riga with the Russians. On the Western front our troops are suffering from two plagues--large shells and little flies. These troubles have not prevented them from scoring a small though costly success at Hooge. From Gallipoli comes the news of fresh deeds of amazing heroism at Suvla Bay

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OFFICER (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as a bugler, has given his age as sixteen): "Do you know where boys go who tell lies?" APPLICANT: "To the Front, sir."

OFFICER (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as a bugler, has given his age as sixteen): "Do you know where boys go who tell lies?" APPLICANT: "To the Front, sir."

A correspondent reminds Mr. Punch that four years ago he wrote as follows: "Lord Haldane, in defending the Territorials, declared that he expects to be dead before any political party seriously suggests compulsory military service. We understand that, since making this statement, our War Minister has received a number of telegrams from Germany wishing him long life." But we suspect that when he said dead he meant politically dead. Still, we owe Lord Haldane the Territorials, and they are doing g

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THE UNSINKABLE TIRP GERMAN CHANCELLOR: "Well, thank Heaven, that's the last of Tirpitz." TIRPITZ (reappearing): "I don't think!"

THE UNSINKABLE TIRP GERMAN CHANCELLOR: "Well, thank Heaven, that's the last of Tirpitz." TIRPITZ (reappearing): "I don't think!"

By way of a sidelight on what happens on the Western front, a wounded officer sends a characteristic account of his experiences after "going over the top" at 3 A.M. "The first remark, as distinct from a shout that I heard after leaving our parapet, came from Private Henry, my most notorious malefactor. As the first attempt at a wire entanglement in our new position went heavenward ten seconds after its emplacement, and a big tree just to our right collapsed suddenly like a dying pig, he turned r

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A HANDY MAN MARINE;(somewhat late for parade: "At six o'clock I was a bloomin' 'ousemaid: at seven o'clock I was a bloomin' valet; at eight o'clock I was a bloomin' waiter; an' now I'm a bloomin' soldier!"

A HANDY MAN MARINE;(somewhat late for parade: "At six o'clock I was a bloomin' 'ousemaid: at seven o'clock I was a bloomin' valet; at eight o'clock I was a bloomin' waiter; an' now I'm a bloomin' soldier!"

The War vocabulary grows and grows. "Pipsqueaks," "crumps" and "Jack Johnsons," picturesque equivalents for unpleasant things, have long been familiar even to arm-chair experts. The strangely named "Archie," and "Pacifist," the dismay of scholars--a word "mean as what it's meant to mean"--now come to be added to the list. A new and admirable explanation of the R.F.A., "Ready for anyfink," is attributed to a street Arab. Our children are mostly lapped in blissful ignorance, but their comments are

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REALISATION ("When I went to Bulgaria I resolved that if there were to be any assassinations I would be on the side of the assassins." STATEMENT BY FERDINAND.)

REALISATION ("When I went to Bulgaria I resolved that if there were to be any assassinations I would be on the side of the assassins." STATEMENT BY FERDINAND.)

When the Kaiser was at Windsor in 1891 he told the Eton College Volunteers he was glad to see so many of them taking an interest in the study of arms, and hoped that if ever they had to draw their swords in earnest they would use them to some purpose for their country. Now that there are three thousand Etonians at the front he is beginning to be sorry he spoke. The Kaiser, by his own confession, is sorry in another way. He has told a Socialist deputy, "with tears in his eyes," that he was sincer

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LANDLADY; "'Ere's the Zeppelins, sir!" LODGER: "Right-o! Put 'em down outside."

LANDLADY; "'Ere's the Zeppelins, sir!" LODGER: "Right-o! Put 'em down outside."

A new phase has been reached in the Conscription controversy, and the burning question appears to be whether the necessary men are to be compelled to volunteer or persuaded to be compulsorily enrolled. One of our novelist military experts, who is not always lucky with figures, though he thoroughly enjoys them, is alleged to have discovered that there are no more men than can be raised by conscription, but that the same does not, of course, apply to the voluntary system. The Daily Mail asks, "Hav

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THE PERSUADING OF TINO

THE PERSUADING OF TINO

In Greece the quick change of Premiers proceeds with kaleidoscopic rapidity. The attitude of the successive Prime Ministers has been described as (1) Tender and affectionate neutrality toward the Entente Powers; (2) Malevolent impartiality toward the Central Powers; (3) Inert cupidity toward all the belligerent Powers; (4) Genial inability; (5) Strict pusillanimity. Lord Milner has gone so far in the House of Lords as to say that "such war news as is published has from first to last been serious

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PADDY (who has had his periscope smashed by a bullet): "Sure there's seven years' bad luck for the poor devil that broke that, anyhow."

PADDY (who has had his periscope smashed by a bullet): "Sure there's seven years' bad luck for the poor devil that broke that, anyhow."

Mr. Punch's correspondent "Blanche" sends distressing details of some of the new complaints contracted by smart war workers. These include munition-wrists, shell-makers' crouch, neuro-committee-itis, and Zeppelin-eye through looking up into the sky too long with a telescope. A great deal depends on what you look at and what you look through. Thus Mr. Walter Long says that when he reads carping criticisms upon the conduct of the War he looks through his window at the people in the street and is a

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AN UNAUTHORISED FLIRTATION THE KAISER (to Austrian Emperor): "Franz! Franz! I'm surprised and pained."

AN UNAUTHORISED FLIRTATION THE KAISER (to Austrian Emperor): "Franz! Franz! I'm surprised and pained."

The National Thrift campaign is carried on with great earnestness in Parliament. Luxury, waste, unnecessary banquets, high legal salaries have all come under the lash of the economy hunters. Of the maxim that "Charity begins, at home," they have, however, so far shown no appreciation beyond abstaining from voting any addition to their salary of £400 a year. Mr. Asquith's announcement that he takes his salary, and is going to continue taking it, has naturally lifted a great weight from the minds

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TOMMY (finding a German prisoner who speaks English): "Look what you done to me, you blighters! 'Ere--'ave a cigarette?"

TOMMY (finding a German prisoner who speaks English): "Look what you done to me, you blighters! 'Ere--'ave a cigarette?"

Evidence of the chastened condition of the enemy is to be found in the statement on the official notepaper of Wolff's Telegraphic Bureau "that it assumes no responsibility of any kind for the accuracy of the news which it circulates." But there is no confirmation of the report that its dispatches will in future be known as "Lamb's Tales." The German Imperial Chancellor has replied to an appeal from a deputation of German Roman Catholics on behalf of the Armenians that "The German Government, in

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TOMMY (dictating letter to be sent to his wife): "The nurses here are a very plain lot--" NURSE: "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us." TOMMY: "Never mind. Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"

TOMMY (dictating letter to be sent to his wife): "The nurses here are a very plain lot--" NURSE: "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us." TOMMY: "Never mind. Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"

Tommy is adding to his other great qualities that of diplomacy, to judge from the incident illustrated above. The Epic of the Dardanelles is closed; that of Verdun has begun, and all eyes are focused on the tremendous struggle for the famous fortress. The Crown Prince has still his laurels to win, and it is clear that no sacrifice of German "cannon fodder" will be too great to deter him from pushing the stroke home. Fort Douaumont has fallen, and the hill of the Mort Homme has already terribly j

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GRANNIE (dragged out of bed at 1.30 a.m., and being hurriedly dressed as the bombs begin to fall): "Nancy, these stockings are not a pair."

GRANNIE (dragged out of bed at 1.30 a.m., and being hurriedly dressed as the bombs begin to fall): "Nancy, these stockings are not a pair."

The Military Service Bill has passed through both Houses, and may be trusted to hasten still further the amazing growth of our once "contemptible little" Army. The pleasantest incident during the month at Westminster has been the tribute paid to the gallantry and self-sacrifice of the officers and men of our mercantile marine. The least satisfactory aspect of Parliamentary activity has been the ventilation of silly rumours at Question time, in which Mr. Ginnell has been so well to the fore as to

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FIRST LADY: "That's one of them Australian soldiers." SECOND LADY: "How do you know?" FIRST LADY: "Why, can't you see the Kangaroo feathers in his hat?"

FIRST LADY: "That's one of them Australian soldiers." SECOND LADY: "How do you know?" FIRST LADY: "Why, can't you see the Kangaroo feathers in his hat?"

Many early nestings are recorded as the result of mild weather, and at least one occasional visitor (Polonius bombifer ) has laid eggs in various parts of the country. The month of the War god has again justified its name and its traditions. Both entry and exit have been leonine. The new submarine "frightfulness" began on the 1st, and the battle round Verdun, in which the fate of Paris, to say the least, is involved, has raged with unabated fury throughout the entire month. Germany's junior part

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TO THE GLORY OF FRANCE Verdun, February-March, 1916

TO THE GLORY OF FRANCE Verdun, February-March, 1916

Letters from second-lieutenants seldom go beyond a gentle reminder that their life is not an Elysium. They offer a strange contrast to the activities of Parliamentary grousers and scapegoat hunters. If the Germans were in occupation of the Black Country, if Oxford were being daily shelled as Rheims is, and if with a favouring breeze London could hear the dull rumble of the bombardment as Paris can, one wonders if Members would still be encumbering the Order-paper with the vexatious trivialities

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THE VICAR: "These Salonikans, Mrs. Stubbs, are, of course, the Thessalonians to whom St. Paul wrote his celebrated letters." MRS. STUBBS: "Well, I 'ope 'e'd better luck with 'is than I 'ave. I sent my boy out there three letters and two parcels, and I ain't got no answer to 'em yet."

THE VICAR: "These Salonikans, Mrs. Stubbs, are, of course, the Thessalonians to whom St. Paul wrote his celebrated letters." MRS. STUBBS: "Well, I 'ope 'e'd better luck with 'is than I 'ave. I sent my boy out there three letters and two parcels, and I ain't got no answer to 'em yet."

After the exhibition of Mr. Augustus John's portrait of Mr. Lloyd George, the most startling personal event of the month has been the dismissal of Grand Admiral Tirpitz. According to one account, he resigned because he could not take the German Fleet out. According to another, it was because he could no longer take the German people in. At Oxford the Hebdomadal Council have suspended the filling of the Professorship of Modern Greek for six months. Apparently there is no one about just now who un

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THE GRAPES OF VERDUN THE OLD FOX: "You don't seem to be getting much nearer them?" THE CUB: "No, Father. Hadn't we better give it out that they're sour?"

THE GRAPES OF VERDUN THE OLD FOX: "You don't seem to be getting much nearer them?" THE CUB: "No, Father. Hadn't we better give it out that they're sour?"

The report of Mr. Justice Younger's Committee, in which the tale of this atrocity is fully told, is being circulated in neutral countries, and Mr. Will Thorne has suggested that it should also be sent to our conscientious objectors. It is well to administer some sort of corrective to the information diffused by the neutral newsmonger: In Parliament we have had the biggest Budget ever known introduced in the shortest Budget speech of the last half-century, at any rate. Mr. Pemberton Billing is do

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VISITOR (at Private Hospital): "Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?" MATRON: "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you are a relative?" VISITOR (boldly): "Oh, yes! I'm his sister." MATRON: "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his mother."

VISITOR (at Private Hospital): "Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?" MATRON: "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you are a relative?" VISITOR (boldly): "Oh, yes! I'm his sister." MATRON: "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his mother."

Verdun still holds out: that is the best news of the month. The French with inexorable logic continue to exact the highest price for the smallest gain of ground. If the Germans are ready to give 100,000 men for a hill or part of a hill they may have it. If they will give a million men they may perhaps have Verdun itself. But so far their Pyrrhic victories have stopped short of this limit, and Verdun, like Ypres, battered, ruined and evacuated by civilians, remains a symbol of Allied tenacity and

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WANTED--A ST. PATRICK ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL: "I'm afraid I'm not so smart as my brother-saint at dealing with this kind of thing. I'm apt to take reptiles too lightly."

WANTED--A ST. PATRICK ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL: "I'm afraid I'm not so smart as my brother-saint at dealing with this kind of thing. I'm apt to take reptiles too lightly."

Even Sir Edward Carson admitted that Mr. Birrell had been well intentioned and had done his best. By the middle of the month Mr. Asquith had gone to Ireland, in the hope of discovering some arrangement for the future which would commend itself to all parties. By the 25th he was back in his place after nine days in Dublin. But he had no panacea of his own to prescribe; no cut-and-dried plan for the regeneration of Ireland. All he could say was that Mr. Lloyd George had been deputed by the Cabinet

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THE LOST CHIEF In Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener, Maker of Armies

THE LOST CHIEF In Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener, Maker of Armies

Within a week of Jutland the Empire has been stirred to its depths by the tragic death of Lord Kitchener in the Hampshire , blown up by a mine off the Shetlands on her voyage to Archangel. On the eve of starting on his mission to Russia his last official act had been to meet his critics of the House of Commons face to face, reply to their questions and leave them silenced and admiring. On the day of the battle of Jutland these critics had moved the Prime Minister to declare that Lord Kitchener w

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THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH

THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH

A number of professional fortune-tellers have been fined at Southend for having predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature of their pretensions was sufficiently manifest, since even the authorities had been unable to foresee the Zeppelins until some time after they had arrived. The discussions in Parliament and out of it of the way in which things get into the papers which oughtn't to, are dying down. A daily paper, however, has revived them by the headline, "Cabinet leekage." Now, why, in wonde

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FARMER (who has got a lady-help in the dairy): "'Ullo, Missy, what in the world be ye doin'?" LADY: "Well, you told me to water the cows, and I'm doing it. They don't seem to like it much."

FARMER (who has got a lady-help in the dairy): "'Ullo, Missy, what in the world be ye doin'?" LADY: "Well, you told me to water the cows, and I'm doing it. They don't seem to like it much."

On the home front we have long been accustomed to the sound of guns, small and great, but it has come from training camps and inspires confidence rather than anxiety. We have been spared the horrors of invasion, occupation, wholesale devastation. In certain areas the noise of bombs and anti-aircraft guns has grown increasingly familiar, and on our south-east and east coasts war from the air, on the sea, and under the sea has become more and more audible as the months pass by. But July has brough

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"TWO HEADS WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT" FIRST HEAD: "What prospects?" SECOND HEAD: "Rotten." FIRST HEAD: "Same here."

"TWO HEADS WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT" FIRST HEAD: "What prospects?" SECOND HEAD: "Rotten." FIRST HEAD: "Same here."

The results of the battle of the Somme are shown in a variety of ways: by the reticence and admissions of the German Press, by its efforts to divert attention to the exploits of the commercial submarine cruiser Deutschland ; above all, by the Kaiser's fresh explosions of piety. "The Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be." There is no further sign of his fleet, which remains crippled by its "victory." Nor can he, still less his Ally, draw comfort from the situation on the Russian or Italian f

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WELL DONE, THE NEW ARMY

WELL DONE, THE NEW ARMY

Mr. Punch finds the usual difficulty in getting any details from his correspondents when they have been or are in the thick of the fighting. Practically all that they have to say is that there was a "damned noise," that breakfast was delayed by the "morning hate," or that an angry sub besought a weary O.C. "to ask our gunners not to serve faults into our front line wire." One of them, however, a very wise young man, ventures on the prediction that the War will last well into 1918. As the result

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CONJURER (unconscious of the approach of hostile aircraft): "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely."]

CONJURER (unconscious of the approach of hostile aircraft): "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely."]

Yet another endurable shortage is reported from the seaside, where an old sailor on the local sea front has been lamenting the spiritual starvation brought about by the war. "Why," he said, "for the first time for twenty years we ain't got no performing fleas down here." And performers, when they do come, are not always successful in riveting the attention of their audience. The third year of the War opens well for the Allies; so well that the Kaiser has again issued a statement denying that he

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THE BIG PUSH MUNITION WORKER: "Well, I'm not taking a holiday myself just yet, but I'm sending these kids of mine for a little trip on the Continent."

THE BIG PUSH MUNITION WORKER: "Well, I'm not taking a holiday myself just yet, but I'm sending these kids of mine for a little trip on the Continent."

Another poet, an R.F.C. man, adopts the same vein, void alike of hate or exultation: It is easy to understand why the enemy nations find England so disappointing and unsatisfying to be at war with. Italy, too, has had her Big Push on the Isonzo, capturing Monte Sabotino, which had defied her for fifteen months, and Gorizia--a triumph of scientific preparation and intrepid assault. The Austrian poison-gas attack on the Asiago plateau has been avenged, and the objectives of the long and ineffectua

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THE CAPTAIN: "Your brother is doing splendidly in the Battalion. Before long he'll be our best man." THE SISTER: "Oh, Reginald! Really, this is so very sudden."

THE CAPTAIN: "Your brother is doing splendidly in the Battalion. Before long he'll be our best man." THE SISTER: "Oh, Reginald! Really, this is so very sudden."

The education of those on the Home Front is also proceeding. There are some maids who announce the approach of Zeppelins as if they were ordinary visitors. There are others who politely decline to exchange a seat at an attic window for the security of the basement....

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MISTRESS (coming to maid's room as the Zeppelins approach): "Jane! Jane! Won't you come downstairs with the rest of us?" LITTLE MAID: "Oh, thank you, Mum, but I can see beautiful from here, Mum."

MISTRESS (coming to maid's room as the Zeppelins approach): "Jane! Jane! Won't you come downstairs with the rest of us?" LITTLE MAID: "Oh, thank you, Mum, but I can see beautiful from here, Mum."

According to the German papers Prince Frederick Leopold of Prussia has been severely reprimanded by the Kaiser for permitting his wild swine to escape from their enclosure and damage neighbouring property. It would be interesting to know if Prince Leopold excused himself on the ground that he had merely followed the All Highest's distinguished example. When Princes are rebuked common editors cannot hope to escape censure. The editor of the Vorwärts has again been arrested, the reason given being

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THE SWEEPERS OF THE SEA. MR. PUNCH: "Risky work, isn't it?" TRAWLER SKIPPER: "That's why there's a hundred thousand of us doin' it."

THE SWEEPERS OF THE SEA. MR. PUNCH: "Risky work, isn't it?" TRAWLER SKIPPER: "That's why there's a hundred thousand of us doin' it."

Peace reigns at Westminster, where legislators are agreeably conspicuous by their absence. But other agencies are active. According to an advertisement in the Nation the Fabian Research Department have issued two Reports, "together with a Project for a Supernatural Authority that will Prevent War." The egg, on the authority of the Daily Mail , is "disappearing from our breakfast table," but even the humblest of us can still enjoy our daily mare's nest. The effect of the Zeppelin on the young has

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THE REJUVENATING EFFECT OF ZEPPELINS

THE REJUVENATING EFFECT OF ZEPPELINS

Mr. Punch's correspondents at the Front have an incorrigible habit of euphemism and levity. Even when things go well they are never betrayed into heroics, but adhere to the schoolboy formula of "not half bad," just as in the blackest hours they would not admit that things were more than "pretty beastly." Yet sometimes they deviate for a moment into really enlightening comment. No better summary of the situation as it stands in the third year of the War can be given than in the words of the faith

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THE SUNLIGHT-LOSER KAISER (as his sainted Grandfather's clock strikes three): "The British are just putting their clocks back an hour. I wish I could put ours back about three years."

THE SUNLIGHT-LOSER KAISER (as his sainted Grandfather's clock strikes three): "The British are just putting their clocks back an hour. I wish I could put ours back about three years."

The Allies have presented an ultimatum to Greece, but Mr. Asquith's appeal to the traditions of ancient Hellas is wasted on King Constantine, who, if he had lived in the days of Marathon and Salamis, would undoubtedly have been a pro-Persian. As for his future, Mr. Punch ventures on a prediction: A couple of months ago, on the occasion of sharks appearing on the Atlantic coast of the U.S.A., it was freely intimated at the fashionable watering-places that there was such a thing as being too proud

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COMRADES IN VICTORY Combles, September 26th POILU: "Bravo, mon vieux!" TOMMY: "Same to you, mate."

COMRADES IN VICTORY Combles, September 26th POILU: "Bravo, mon vieux!" TOMMY: "Same to you, mate."

Members have returned to St. Stephen's refreshed by seven weeks' holiday, and the Nationalists have been recruiting their energies, but unfortunately nothing else, in Ireland. By way of signalising his restoration, after an apology, Mr. Ginnell handed in thirty-nine questions--the fruits of his enforced leisure. The woes of the interned Sinn Feiners who have been condemned to sleep in a disused distillery at Frongoch have been duly brought forward and the House invited to declare that "the syste

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MOTHER: "Come away, Jimmy! Maybe it ain't properly stuffed."

MOTHER: "Come away, Jimmy! Maybe it ain't properly stuffed."

The need of a War propaganda at home is illustrated by the answers to correspondents in the Leeds Mercury . "Reasonable questions" are invited, and here is one of the answers: "T.B.--No, it is not General Sir William Robertson, but the Rev. Sir William Robertson Nicoll who edits The British Weekly ." But then, as another journal pathetically observes, "About nine-tenths of what we say is of no earthly importance to anybody." Further light is thrown on this confession by the claim of an Islington

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HINDENBURGITIS; OR, THE PRUSSIAN HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL

HINDENBURGITIS; OR, THE PRUSSIAN HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL

Monastir has been recaptured by the Serbians and French; but Germany has had her victories too, and, continuing her warfare against the Red Cross, has sunk two hospital ships. Germany's U-boat policy is going to win her the War. At least so Marshal Hindenburg says, and the view is shared by that surprising person the neutral journalist. But in the meantime it subjects the affections of the neutral sailorman to a severe trial. King Constantine, however, remains unshaken in his devotion to German

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A STRAIN ON THE AFFECTIONS NORWEGIAN (to Swede): "What--you here, too. I thought you were a friend of Germany?" SWEDE: "I was."

A STRAIN ON THE AFFECTIONS NORWEGIAN (to Swede): "What--you here, too. I thought you were a friend of Germany?" SWEDE: "I was."

It is the fashion in some quarters to make out that fathers do not realise the sacrifice made by their sons, but complacently acquiesce in it while they sit comfortably at home over the fire. Mr. Punch has not met these fathers. The fathers--and still more the mothers--that he knows recognise only too well the unpayable nature of their debt. Yet if ever you try to express this indebtedness to the wonderful young men who survive, they turn the whole thing into a jest and tell you, for example, th

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PAT (examining fare): "May the divil destroy the Germans!" SUB: "Well, they don't do you much harm, anyway. You don't get near enough to 'em." PAT: "Do they not, thin? Have they not kilt all the half-crown officers and left nothing but the shillin' ones?"

PAT (examining fare): "May the divil destroy the Germans!" SUB: "Well, they don't do you much harm, anyway. You don't get near enough to 'em." PAT: "Do they not, thin? Have they not kilt all the half-crown officers and left nothing but the shillin' ones?"

Guy Fawkes Day has come and gone without fireworks, pursuant to the Defence of the Realm Act. Even Parliament omitted to sit. Apropos of Secret Sessions, Lord Northcliffe has been accused of having had one all to himself and some five hundred other gentlemen at a club luncheon. The Daily Mail describes the debate on the subject as a "gross waste of time," which seems to come perilously near lèse-majesté! But then, as a writer in the Evening News --another Northcliffe paper--safely observes, "It

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THE BIRD: "Wouldn't even look at me!"

THE BIRD: "Wouldn't even look at me!"

The ultimate verdict on Mr. Asquith's services to the State as Prime Minister for the first two and a half years of the War will not be founded on the Press Campaign which has helped to secure his downfall. But, as one of the most bitterly and unjustly assailed ex-Ministers has said, "personal reputations must wait till the end of the War." Meanwhile, we have a Premier who, whatever his faults, cannot be charged with supineness....

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THE NEW CONDUCTOR Opening of the 1917 Overture

THE NEW CONDUCTOR Opening of the 1917 Overture

Mr. Bonar Law, the new Leader of the House, has made his first appearance as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Moving a further Vote of Credit for 400 millions, he disclosed the fact that the daily cost of the War was nearer six than five millions. In regard to the peace proposals he found himself unable to better the late Prime Minister's statement that the Allies would require "adequate reparation for the past and adequate security for the future." In lucidity and dignity of statement Mr. Asquith w

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"Have you brought me any souvenirs?" "Only this little bullet that the doctor took out of my side." "I wish it had been a German helmet."

"Have you brought me any souvenirs?" "Only this little bullet that the doctor took out of my side." "I wish it had been a German helmet."

The tenderness with which King Constantine is still treated, even after the riot in Athens in which our bluejackets have been badly mishandled, is taxing the patience of moderate men. Mr. Punch, for example, exasperated by the cumulative effect of Tino's misdeeds, has been goaded into making a formidable forecast of surrender or exit: The German Emperor was prevented from being present at the funeral of the late Emperor Francis Joseph by a chill. One is tempted to think that in a lucid interval

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THE DAWN OF DOUBT GRETCHEN: "I wonder if this gentleman really is my good angel after all!"

THE DAWN OF DOUBT GRETCHEN: "I wonder if this gentleman really is my good angel after all!"

Germany has not yet changed her Chancellor, though he is being bitterly attacked for his "silly ideas of humanity"--and her rulers have certainly shown no change of heart. General von Bissing's retirement from Belgium is due to health, not repentance. The Kaiser still talks of his "conscience" and "courage" in freeing the world from the pressure which weighs upon all. He is still the same Kaiser and Constantine the same "Tino," who, as the Berliner Tageblatt bluntly remarks, "has as much right t

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COOK (who, after interview with prospective mistress, is going to think it over): "'Ullo! Prambilator! If you'd told me you 'ad children I needn't have troubled meself to 'ave come." THE PROSPECTIVE MISTRESS: " Oh! B-but if you think the place would otherwise suit you, I dare say we could board the children out."

COOK (who, after interview with prospective mistress, is going to think it over): "'Ullo! Prambilator! If you'd told me you 'ad children I needn't have troubled meself to 'ave come." THE PROSPECTIVE MISTRESS: " Oh! B-but if you think the place would otherwise suit you, I dare say we could board the children out."

Maids are human, however, though their psychology is sometimes disconcerting. One who was told by her mistress not to worry because her young man had gone into the trenches responded cheerfully, "Oh, no, ma'am, I've left off worrying now. He can't walk out with anyone else while he's there."...

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THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY

THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY

The rulers of Germany--the Kaiser and his War-lords--proclaimed themselves the enemies of the human race in the first weeks of the War. But it has taken two years and a half to break down the apparently inexhaustible patience of the greatest of the neutrals. A year and three-quarters has elapsed since the sinking of the Lusitania . The forbearance of President Wilson--in the face of accumulated insults, interference in the internal politics of the United States, the promotion of strikes and sabo

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THE LAST THROW

THE LAST THROW

On the Salonika front, to quote from one of Mr. Punch's ever-increasing staff of correspondents, "all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile." On the Western front the British have taken Grandcourt, and our "Mudlarks," encamped on an ocean of ooze, preserve a miraculous equanimity in spite of the attention of rats and cockroaches and the vagaries of the transport mule....

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HEAD OF GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT (in his private room in recently commandeered hotel): "Boy! Bring some more coal!"

HEAD OF GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT (in his private room in recently commandeered hotel): "Boy! Bring some more coal!"

At home the commandeering of hotels to house the new Ministries proceeds apace, and a request from an inquiring peer for a comprehensive return of all the buildings requisitioned and the staffs employed has been declined on the ground that to provide it would put too great a strain on officials engaged on work essential to winning the War. The criticisms on the late Cabinet for its bloated size have certainly not led to any improvement in this respect, and one of the late Ministers has complaine

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A PLAIN DUTY "Well, good-bye, old chap, and good luck! I'm going in here to do my bit, the best way I can. The more everybody scrapes together for the War Loan, the sooner you'll be back from the trenches."

A PLAIN DUTY "Well, good-bye, old chap, and good luck! I'm going in here to do my bit, the best way I can. The more everybody scrapes together for the War Loan, the sooner you'll be back from the trenches."

The older Universities, given over for two years to wounded soldiers and a handful of physically unfit or coloured undergraduates, are regaining a semblance of life by the housing of cadet battalions in some colleges. The Rhodes scholars have all joined up, and normal academic life is still in abeyance:...

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The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their bit by helping to train ladies who are going on the land.

The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their bit by helping to train ladies who are going on the land.

It is true that Mr. Bernard Shaw has visited the front. No reason is assigned for this rash act, and too little has been made of the fact that he wore khaki just like an ordinary person. Amongst other signs of the times we note that women are to be licensed as taxi-drivers: A new danger is involved in the spread of the Army Signalling Alphabet. The names of Societies are threatened. The dignity of Degrees is menaced by a code which converts B.A. into Beer Ack. Initials are no longer sacred, and

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ALSO RAN WILHELM: "Are you luring them on, like me?" MEHMED: "I'm afraid I am!"

ALSO RAN WILHELM: "Are you luring them on, like me?" MEHMED: "I'm afraid I am!"

Parliament has been occupied with many matters, from the Report of the Dardanelles Commission to the grievances of Scots bee-keepers. The woes of Ireland have not been forgotten, and the Nationalists have been busily engaged in getting Home Rule out of cold storage. Hitherto every attempt of the British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of Destiny up the Hill of Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready to roll it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate to install it ther

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THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE

THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE

Mr. Bernard Shaw, returned from his "joy-ride" at the Front, has declared that "there is no monument more enduring than brass"; the general feeling, however, is that there is a kind of brass that is beyond enduring. Armageddon is justified since it has given him a perfectly glorious time. He is obliged, in honesty, to state that the style of some of the buildings wrecked by the Germans was quite second rate. He entered and emerged from the battle zone without any vulgar emotion; remaining immune

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FOOD RESTRICTION SCENE: HOTEL. LITTLE GIRL: "Oh, Mummy! They've given me a dirty plate." MOTHER: "Hush, darling. That's the soup."

FOOD RESTRICTION SCENE: HOTEL. LITTLE GIRL: "Oh, Mummy! They've given me a dirty plate." MOTHER: "Hush, darling. That's the soup."

Apropos of food supplies, Lord Devonport has developed a sense of judicial humour, having approved a new dietary for prisoners, under which the bread ration will be cut down to 63 ounces per week, or just one ounce less than the allowance of the free and independent Englishman. The latest morning greeting is now: " Comment vous Devonportez-vous? " Once more the rulers of Germany have failed to read the soul of another nation. They thought there was no limit to America's forbearance, and they tho

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SWOOPING FROM THE WEST (It is the intention of our new Ally to assist us in the patrolling of the Atlantic.)

SWOOPING FROM THE WEST (It is the intention of our new Ally to assist us in the patrolling of the Atlantic.)

"Their self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These hundreds of honest people, just relieved from the domineering of the Master Swine, and restored to their own good France again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted." The names of the new German lines--Wotan and Siegfried and Hunding--are not without significance. We accept the omen: it will not be long before we hear of fresh German activities in the Götterdämmerung line. Count Reventlow has informed the Kaiser that without victory

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DYNASTIC AMENITIES LITTLE WILLIE (of Prussia): "As one Crown Prince to another, isn't your Hindenburg line getting a bit shaky?" RUPPRECHT (of Bavaria): "Well, as one Crown Prince to another, what about your Hohenzollern line?"

DYNASTIC AMENITIES LITTLE WILLIE (of Prussia): "As one Crown Prince to another, isn't your Hindenburg line getting a bit shaky?" RUPPRECHT (of Bavaria): "Well, as one Crown Prince to another, what about your Hohenzollern line?"

Although the streets may have been sweetened by the absence of posters, days will come, it must be remembered, when we shall badly miss them. It goes painfully to one's heart to think that the embargo, if it is ever lifted, will not be lifted in time for most of the events which we all most desire -events that clamour to be recorded in the largest black type, such as "Strasbourg French Again," "Flight of the Crown Prince," "Revolution in Germany," "The Kaiser a Captive," and last and best of all

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TORPEDOED MINE-SWEEPER (to his pal): " As I was a-saying, Bob, when we was interrupted, it's my belief as 'ow the submarine blokes ain't on 'arf as risky a job as the boys in the airy-o-planes."

TORPEDOED MINE-SWEEPER (to his pal): " As I was a-saying, Bob, when we was interrupted, it's my belief as 'ow the submarine blokes ain't on 'arf as risky a job as the boys in the airy-o-planes."

According to the Pall Mall Gazette , Mr. Lloyd George's double was seen at Cardiff the other day. The suggestion that there are two Lloyd Georges has caused consternation among the German Headquarters Staff. But we are not exempt from troubles and anxieties in England. The bones of a woolly rhinoceros have been dug up twenty-three feet below the surface at High Wycombe, and very strong language has been used in the locality concerning this gross example of food-hoarding. The weather, too, has be

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"No, dear, I'm afraid we shan't be at the dance to-night. Poor Herbert has got a touch of allotment feet."

"No, dear, I'm afraid we shan't be at the dance to-night. Poor Herbert has got a touch of allotment feet."

On the Western Front the German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan" may be expressed as "each for himself and the Devil take the Hindenburg." One of them, recently taken prisoner, actually wrote, "When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals." This generous attempt to shield his superiors deserves to be appreciated, but it does not dispel the belief that the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines. The inspired German Press has now got to the point o

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A BAD DREAM SPECTRE: "Well, if you don't like the look of me, eat less bread."

A BAD DREAM SPECTRE: "Well, if you don't like the look of me, eat less bread."

The French have taken Craonne; saluting has been abolished in the Russian Army; and Germany has been giving practical proof of her friendliness to Spain by torpedoing her merchant ships. A new star has swum into the Revolutionary firmament, by name Lenin. According to the Swedish Press this interesting anarchist has been missing for two days, and it remains to be seen if he will yet make a hit. Meanwhile the Kaiser is doing his bit in the unfamiliar rôle of pro-Socialist. Newmarket has become "a

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HIS LATEST! THE KAISER: "This is sorry work for a Hohenzollern; still, necessity knows no traditions."

HIS LATEST! THE KAISER: "This is sorry work for a Hohenzollern; still, necessity knows no traditions."

A Garden Glorified Mr. Bonar Law has brought in a Budget, moved a vote of credit for 500 millions, and apologised for estimating the war expenditure at 5½ millions a day when it turned out to be 7½. The trivial lapse has been handsomely condoned by his predecessor, Mr. McKenna. The Budget debate was held with open doors, but produced a number of speeches much more suitable for the Secret Session which followed, and at which it appears from the Speaker's Report that nothing sensational was reveal

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OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS Or, the Recruit that was passed at the thirteenth examination.

OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS Or, the Recruit that was passed at the thirteenth examination.

Within some eleven weeks of the Declaration of War by the U.S.A., the first American troops have been landed in France. Even the Kaiser has begun to abate his thrasonic tone, declaring that "it is not the Prussian way to praise oneself," and that "it is now a matter of holding out, however long it lasts." But other events besides the arrival of the Americans have helped to bring about this altered tone. The capture of Messines Ridge, after the biggest bang in history, has given him something to

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A WORD OF ILL OMEN CROWN PRINCE (to Kaiser, drafting his next speech): "For Gott's sake, father, be careful this time, and don't call the American Army 'contemptible.'"

A WORD OF ILL OMEN CROWN PRINCE (to Kaiser, drafting his next speech): "For Gott's sake, father, be careful this time, and don't call the American Army 'contemptible.'"

A new feature of the German armies are the special "storm-troops"; men picked for their youth, vigour, and daring, and fortified by a specially liberal diet for the carrying out of counter-attacks. Even our ordinary British soldiers, who are constantly compelled to take these brave fellows prisoners, bear witness to the ferocity of their appearance. On our Home Front the Germans have shown considerable activity of late. Daylight air-raids are no longer the monopoly of the South-east coast; they

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MRS. GREEN TO MRS. JONES (who is gazing at an aeroplane): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of them flying things to settle on me."

MRS. GREEN TO MRS. JONES (who is gazing at an aeroplane): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of them flying things to settle on me."

Far too much fuss has been made about trying to stop Messrs. Ramsay MacDonald and Jowett from leaving England. So far as we can gather they did not threaten to return to this country afterwards. There is no end to the woes of Pacificists, conscientious or otherwise. The Press campaign against young men of military age engaged in Government offices is causing some of them sleepless days. Even on the stage the "conchy" is not safe....

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STAGE MANAGER: "The elephant's putting in a very spirited performance to-night." CARPENTER. "Yessir. You see, the new hind-legs is a discharged soldier, and the front legs is an out-and-out pacificist."

STAGE MANAGER: "The elephant's putting in a very spirited performance to-night." CARPENTER. "Yessir. You see, the new hind-legs is a discharged soldier, and the front legs is an out-and-out pacificist."

The King has done a popular act in abolishing the German titles held by members of his family, and Mr. Kennedy Jones has won widespread approval by declaring that beer is a food. Lord Devonport's retirement from the post of Food Controller has been received with equanimity. There is a touch of imagination, almost of romance, in the appointment of his successor, the redoubtable Lord Rhondda, who as "D.A." was alternately the bogy and idol of the Welsh miners, and who, after being the head of the

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THE TUBER'S REPARTEE GERMAN PIRATE; "Gott strafe England!" BRITISH POTATO: "Tuber über Alles!"

THE TUBER'S REPARTEE GERMAN PIRATE; "Gott strafe England!" BRITISH POTATO: "Tuber über Alles!"

The Princes and the Peers depart, and the Doctors are following suit. Bethmann-Hollweg, immortalised by one fatal phrase, has been at last hunted from office by the extremists whom he sought to restrain, and Dr. Michaelis, a second-rate administrator, of negligible antecedents, succeeds to his uneasy chair, while the Kaiser maintains his pose as the friend of the people. He has congratulated his Bayreuth Dragoons on their prowess, which has given joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields":...

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THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED

THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED

Delirant reges : but there are bright exceptions. On July 17 our King in Council decreed that the Royal House should be known henceforth as the House of Windsor. Parliament has been flooded with the backwash of the Mesopotamia Commission, and at last on third thoughts the Government has decided not to set up a new tribunal to try the persons affected by the Report. Mr. Austen Chamberlain has resigned office amid general regret. The Government have refused, "on the representations of the Foreign

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BUSY CITY MAN TO HIS PARTNER (as one of the new air-raid warnings gets to work): " If you'll leave me in here for the warnings I'll carry on while you take shelter during the raids."

BUSY CITY MAN TO HIS PARTNER (as one of the new air-raid warnings gets to work): " If you'll leave me in here for the warnings I'll carry on while you take shelter during the raids."

During these visitations there is nothing handier than a comfortable and capacious Cave, but the Home Secretary has his limitations. When Mr. King asked him to be more careful about interning alien friends without trial, since he (Mr. King) had just heard of the great reception accorded in Petrograd to one Trotsky on his release from internment, Sir George Cave replied that he was sorry he had never heard of Trotsky. Lord Rhondda reigns in Lord Devonport's place, and will doubtless profit by his

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GRANDPAPA (to small Teuton struggling with home-lessons): "Come, Fritz, is your task so difficult?" FRITZ: "It is indeed. I have to learn all the names of all the countries that misunderstand the All-Highest."

GRANDPAPA (to small Teuton struggling with home-lessons): "Come, Fritz, is your task so difficult?" FRITZ: "It is indeed. I have to learn all the names of all the countries that misunderstand the All-Highest."

It is reported that ex-King Constantine is to receive £20,000 a year unemployment benefit, and Mr. Punch, in prophetic vein, pictures him as offering advice to his illustrious brother-in-law: In the words of a valued correspondent (a temporary captain suddenly summoned from the trenches to the Staff), "there is this to be said about being at war--you never know what is going to happen to you next." With the opening of the fourth year of the War Freedom renews her vow, fortified by the aid of the

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RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR

RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR

It is another story on the Western Front, where the British are closing in on the wrecked remains of Lens, and the Crown Prince's chance of breaking hearts along "The Ladies' Way" grows more and more remote....

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THE OPTIMIST "If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is clear--Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church.'"

THE OPTIMIST "If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is clear--Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church.'"

A recent resolution of the Reichstag has been welcomed by Mr. Ramsay MacDonald as the solemn pronouncement of a sovereign people, only requiring the endorsement of the British Government to produce an immediate and equitable peace. But not much was left of this pleasant theory after Mr. Asquith had dealt it a few sledge-hammer blows. "So far as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, not only upon the composition but upon the policy of the German Government, remains what it always ha

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DOCTOR: "Your throat is in a very bad state. Have you ever tried gargling with salt water?" SKIPPER: "Yus, I've been torpedoed six times."

DOCTOR: "Your throat is in a very bad state. Have you ever tried gargling with salt water?" SKIPPER: "Yus, I've been torpedoed six times."

Parliament has devoted many hours of talk to the discussion of Mr. Henderson's visit to Paris in company with Mr. Ramsay MacDonald to attend a Conference of French and Russian Socialists. As member of the War Cabinet and Secretary of the Labour Party he seems to have resembled one of those twin salad bottles from which oil and vinegar can be dispensed alternately but not together. The attempt to combine the two functions could only end as it began--in a double fiasco. Mr. Henderson has resigned,

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PERFECT INNOCENCE CONSTABLE WOODROW WILSON: "That's a very mischievous thing to do." SWEDEN: "Please, sir, I didn't know it was loaded."

PERFECT INNOCENCE CONSTABLE WOODROW WILSON: "That's a very mischievous thing to do." SWEDEN: "Please, sir, I didn't know it was loaded."

In Russia the Provisional Government has been dissolved and a Republic proclaimed. If eloquence can save the situation, Mr. Kerensky is the man to do it; but so far the men of few words have gone farthest in the war. A "History of the Russian Revolution" has already been published. The pen may not be mightier than the sword to-day, but it manages to keep ahead of it. With fresh enemy battalions, as well as batteries, constantly arriving from Russia, the Italians have been hard pressed; but their

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THE INSEPARABLE THE KAISER (to his people): "Do not listen to those who would sow dissension between us. I will never desert you."

THE INSEPARABLE THE KAISER (to his people): "Do not listen to those who would sow dissension between us. I will never desert you."

The weather has been so persistently wet that it looks as if this year the Channel had decided to swim Great Britain. A correspondent, in a list of improbable events on an "extraordinary day" at the front, gives as the culminating entry, "It did not rain on the day of the offensive."...

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C.O. (to sentry): "Do you know the Defence Scheme for this sector of the line, my man?" TOMMY: "Yes, sir." C.O.: "Well, what is it, then?" TOMMY. "To stay 'ere an' fight like 'ell."

C.O. (to sentry): "Do you know the Defence Scheme for this sector of the line, my man?" TOMMY: "Yes, sir." C.O.: "Well, what is it, then?" TOMMY. "To stay 'ere an' fight like 'ell."

When Parliament is not sitting and trying to make us "sit up," and when war news is scant, old people at home sometimes fall into a mood of wistful reverie, and contrast the Germany they once knew with the Germany of to-day. A LOST LAND The Norwegian explorer, Roald Amundsen, is preparing for a trip to the North Pole in 1918. Additional interest now attaches to this spot as being the only territory whose neutrality the Germans have omitted to violate. Apropos of neutrals, the crew of the U-boat

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THE DANCE OF DEATH THE KAISER: "Stop! I'm tired." DEATH: "I started at your bidding; I stop when I choose."

THE DANCE OF DEATH THE KAISER: "Stop! I'm tired." DEATH: "I started at your bidding; I stop when I choose."

Parliament has reassembled, and Mr. Punch has been moved to ask Why? Various reasons would no doubt be returned by various members. The Chancellor of the Exchequer wants to obtain a further Vote of Credit. The new National Party wish to justify their existence; and those incarnate notes of interrogation--Messrs. King, Hogge and Pemberton Billing--would like Parliament to be in permanent session in order that the world might have the daily benefit of their searching investigations. There has been

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A PLACE IN THE MOON HANS: "How beautiful a moon, my love, for showing up England to our gallant airmen!" GRETCHEN: "Yes, dearest, but may it not show up the Fatherland to the brutal enemy one of these nights?"

A PLACE IN THE MOON HANS: "How beautiful a moon, my love, for showing up England to our gallant airmen!" GRETCHEN: "Yes, dearest, but may it not show up the Fatherland to the brutal enemy one of these nights?"

In the earlier stages of the War we looked on the moon as our friend. Now that inconstant orb has become our enemy, and the only German opera that we look forward to seeing is Die Gothadämmerung . A circular has been issued by the Feline Defence League appealing to owners of cats to bring them inside the house during air-raids. When they are left on the roof it would seem that their agility causes them to be mistaken for aerial torpedoes. We note that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by

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STOUT LADY (discussing the best thing to do in an air-raid): "Well, I always runs about meself. You see, as my 'usband sez, an' very reasonable too, a movin' targit is more difficult to 'it."

STOUT LADY (discussing the best thing to do in an air-raid): "Well, I always runs about meself. You see, as my 'usband sez, an' very reasonable too, a movin' targit is more difficult to 'it."

The best and the worst news comes from the outlying fronts. Allenby's triumphant advance is unchecked in Palestine. Gaza has fallen. The British are in Jaffa. Jerusalem is threatened. The German-Austrian drive which began at Caporetto has been stemmed, and the Italians, stiffened by a British army under General Plumer, are standing firm on the Piave. In Mesopotamia we deplore the death of the gallant Maude, a great general and a great gentleman, beloved by all ranks, whose career is an abiding a

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A GREAT INCENTIVE MEHMED (reading dispatch from the All-Highest): "Defend Jerusalem at all costs for my sake. I was once there myself."

A GREAT INCENTIVE MEHMED (reading dispatch from the All-Highest): "Defend Jerusalem at all costs for my sake. I was once there myself."

Parliament has for once repelled the gibe that it has ceased to represent the people in the tribute of praise paid by Lords and Commons to our sailors and soldiers and all the other gallant folk who are helping us to win the War. On the strength of this capacity for rising to the occasion one may pass over the many sittings at which a small minority of Pacificists and irrelevant inquisitors have dragged the House down to the depths of ineptitude or worse. In the debate on the Air Force in Commit

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ONE UP!

ONE UP!

Save for an occasional game of "tip and run," as with the North Sea convoy, enemy vessels have disappeared on the surface of the ocean; and the long arm of the British Navy is now stretching down into the depths and up into the skies in successful pursuit of them. If the nation hardly realises what it owes to the men of the Fleet and their splendid comrades of the Auxiliary Services, it is because this work is done with such thoroughness and so little fuss, and, as Mr. Asquith put it, "in the tw

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AUNT MARIA: "Do you know I once actually saw the Kaiser riding through the streets of London as bold as brass. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have told a policeman."

AUNT MARIA: "Do you know I once actually saw the Kaiser riding through the streets of London as bold as brass. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have told a policeman."

The general sense of the community is now practically agreed that compulsory rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord Rhondda is still hopeful that John Bull will tighten his own belt and save him the trouble. But if we fail, the machinery for compulsion is all ready. Reuter reports that a British prisoner has been sentenced to a year's imprisonment for calling the Germans "Huns." On the Western front Tommy usually calls them "Allymans," "Jerry," or "Fritz." But even if this prisoner

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BETRAYED THE PANDER: "Come on; come and be kissed by him."

BETRAYED THE PANDER: "Come on; come and be kissed by him."

Where Russia is concerned Mr. Balfour wisely declines to be included among the prophets; all he knows is that she has not yet evolved a Government with which we can negotiate. There is a Government in Germany, but neither Government nor people afford excuse for the negotiations which Lord Lansdowne, in a fit of war-weariness, has advocated in his letter to the Daily Telegraph . His unfortunate intervention, playing into the hands of Pacificists and Pro-Boches, is all the more to be deplored in a

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THE NEW LANGUAGE TOMMY (to inquisitive French children): "Nah, then, alley toot sweet, an the tooter the sweeter!"

THE NEW LANGUAGE TOMMY (to inquisitive French children): "Nah, then, alley toot sweet, an the tooter the sweeter!"

Lord Rhondda, who listened from the Peers' gallery to the recent debate in the Commons on Food Control, has received a quantity of advice intended to help him in minding his p's and q's, particularly the latter. In China, we read in the Daily Express , a chicken can still be purchased for sixpence; intending purchasers should note, however, that at present the return fare to Shanghai brings the total cost to a figure a trifle in excess of the present London prices. More bread is being eaten than

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The ex-Kaiser is appointed to the post of official gatherer of scraps of paper.

The ex-Kaiser is appointed to the post of official gatherer of scraps of paper.

These are attractive speculations, but a trifle previous, while hospital ships are still being torpedoed, U-boats are busy at Funchal, and the bonds of German influence and penetration are being forged anew at Brest-Litovsk. The latest news from that quarter seems to indicate that the Kaiser desires peace--at any rate for the duration of the War. And already there is a talk of a German counter-offensive on a colossal scale on the Western front. So that Mr. Punch's message for the New Year is cou

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TO ALL AT HOME

TO ALL AT HOME

How needful such an appeal is may be gathered from the proceedings at Westminster, less fit for the Mother than the Mummy of Parliaments, where "doleful questionists" exhume imaginary grievances or display their "nerve" by claiming the increase in pay recently granted to fighting men for conscientious objectors in the Non-Combatant Corps. The interest taken by one of this group in Army Dentistry inspires the wish that "the treatment of jaw-cases" mentioned by the Under-Secretary for War could be

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ORDERLY SERGEANT: "Lights out, there." VOICE FROM THE HUT: "It's the moon, Sergint." ORDERLY SERGEANT: "I don't give a d--- what it is. Put it out!"

ORDERLY SERGEANT: "Lights out, there." VOICE FROM THE HUT: "It's the moon, Sergint." ORDERLY SERGEANT: "I don't give a d--- what it is. Put it out!"

The disquieting activities of the "giddy Gotha" involve drastic enforcement of the lighting orders, and the moon is still an object of suspicion. Pessimists and those critics who are never content unless each day brings a spectacular success, seem to have taken for their motto: "It's not what I mean, but what I say, that matters." But the moods of the non-combatant are truly chameleonic. Civilians summoned to the War Office pass from confidence to abasement, and from abasement to megalomania in

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THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE

THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE

"Watchman, what of the night?" The hours pass amid the clash of rumours and discordant voices--optimist, pessimist, pacificist. Only in the answer of the fighting man, who knows and says little, but is ready for anything, do we find the best remedy for impatience and misgiving: The first Brest-Litovsk Treaty has been signed, followed in nine days by the German invasion of Russia, an apt comment on what an English paper, by a misprint which is really an inspiration, calls "the Brest Nogotiations.

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THE LIBERATORS FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Let me see; we've made an end of Law, Credit, Treaties, the Army and the Navy. Is there anything else to abolish?" SECOND BOLSHEVIK: "What about War?" FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Good! And Peace too. Away with both of 'em!"

THE LIBERATORS FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Let me see; we've made an end of Law, Credit, Treaties, the Army and the Navy. Is there anything else to abolish?" SECOND BOLSHEVIK: "What about War?" FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Good! And Peace too. Away with both of 'em!"

At home we have seen the end of the seventh session of a Parliament which by its own rash Act should have committed suicide two years ago. Truly the Kaiser has a lot to answer for. On the last day but one of the session 184 questions were put, the information extracted from Ministers being, as usual, in inverse ratio to the curiosity of the questioners. The opening of the eighth session showed no change in this respect. The debate on the Address degenerated into a series of personal attacks on t

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SECRET DIPLOMACY WIFE: "George, there are two strange men digging up the garden." GEORGE: "It's all right, dear. A brainy idea of mine to get the garden dug up. I wrote an anonymous letter to the Food Controller and told him there was a large box of food buried there." WIFE: "Heavens! But there is!"

SECRET DIPLOMACY WIFE: "George, there are two strange men digging up the garden." GEORGE: "It's all right, dear. A brainy idea of mine to get the garden dug up. I wrote an anonymous letter to the Food Controller and told him there was a large box of food buried there." WIFE: "Heavens! But there is!"

To the ordinary queues we now have to add processions of conscientious disgorgers patriotically evading prosecution. The problem "Is tea a food or is it not? " convulses our Courts, and the axioms of Euclid call for revision as follows: "Parallel lines are those which in a queue, if only produced far enough, never mean meat." "If there be two queues outside two different butchers' shops, and the length and the breadth of one queue be equal to the length and breadth of the other queue, each to ea

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INDIGNANT WAR-WORKER: "And she actually asked me if I didn't think I might be doing something! Me? And I haven't missed a charity matinée for the last three months."

INDIGNANT WAR-WORKER: "And she actually asked me if I didn't think I might be doing something! Me? And I haven't missed a charity matinée for the last three months."

Food at the front is another matter, and Mr. Punch is glad to print the tribute of one of his war-poets to the "Cookers": "It is Germany," says a German paper, "who will speak the last word in this War." Yes, and the last word will be "Kamerad!" But that word will be spoken in spite of many pseudo-war-workers on the Home Front. Among the many wonders of the War one of the most wonderful is the sailor-man, three times, four times, five times torpedoed, who yet wants to sail once more. But there i

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MADE IN GERMANY CIVILISATION: "What's that supposed to represent?" IMPERIAL ARTIST: "Why, 'Peace,' of course." CIVILISATION: "Well, I don't recognise it--and I never shall."

MADE IN GERMANY CIVILISATION: "What's that supposed to represent?" IMPERIAL ARTIST: "Why, 'Peace,' of course." CIVILISATION: "Well, I don't recognise it--and I never shall."

To turn from the crowning ordeal of our Armies to the activities of British politicians on the eve of the great German attack is not a soul-animating experience. Indeed, the efforts of Messrs. Snowden and Trevelyan, Pringle and King almost justify the assumption that Hindenburg would have launched his offensive earlier but for his desire not to interfere with the great offensive conducted by his friends on the Westminster front. Our anti-patriots, however, are placed in a dilemma. They were boun

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THE COAT THAT DIDN'T COME OFF

THE COAT THAT DIDN'T COME OFF

The German Press announces the death of the notorious " Captain of Koepenick," and the Cologne Gazette refers to him as "the only man who ever succeeded in making the German Army look ridiculous." This is the kind of subtle flattery that the Hohenzollerns really appreciate. We have reached the darkest hours of the War and the clouds have not yet lifted, though the rate of the German advance has already begun to slow down. On the 11th the enemy broke through at Armentières and pushed their advant

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THE DEATH LORD THE KAISER (on reading the appalling tale of German losses): "What matter, so we Hohenzollerns survive?"

THE DEATH LORD THE KAISER (on reading the appalling tale of German losses): "What matter, so we Hohenzollerns survive?"

And what has England's answer been, apart from the stubborn and heroic resistance of her men on the Western Front? The answer is to be found in the immediate resolve to raise the age limit for service to 50, still more in the glorious exploit of Zeebrugge and Ostend, in the incredible valour of the men who volunteered for and carried through what is perhaps the most astonishing and audacious enterprise in the annals of the Navy. The pageantry of war has gone, but here at least is a magnificence

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DRAKE'S WAY Zeebrugge, St. George's Day, 1918 ADMIRAL DRAKE (to Admiral Keyes): "Bravo, sir. Tradition holds. My men singed a King's beard, and yours have singed a Kaiser's moustache."

DRAKE'S WAY Zeebrugge, St. George's Day, 1918 ADMIRAL DRAKE (to Admiral Keyes): "Bravo, sir. Tradition holds. My men singed a King's beard, and yours have singed a Kaiser's moustache."

The Prime Minister, in reviewing the military situation, has attributed the success of the Germans to their possessing the initiative and to the weather. Members have found it a little difficult to understand why, if even at the beginning of March the Allies were equal in numbers to the enemy on the West and if, thanks to the foresight of the Versailles Council, they knew in advance the strength and direction of the impending blow, they ever allowed the initiative to pass to the Germans. It is k

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THE POLITICIAN WHO ADDRESSED THE TROOPS

THE POLITICIAN WHO ADDRESSED THE TROOPS

The Emperor Karl of Austria, by his recent indiscretions, is winning for himself the new title of "His Epistolic Majesty." His suggestion that France ought to have Alsace-Lorraine has grated on the susceptibilities of his brother Wilhelm. But a new fastidiousness is to be noted in the Teuton character. "Polygamy," says an article in a German review, "is essential to the future of the German race, but a decent form must be found for it." With the coming of May the Vision of Victory which had nerv

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THE THREATENED PEACE OFFENSIVE GERMAN EAGLE (to British Lion): "I warn you--a little more of this obstinacy and you'll rouse the dove in me!"

THE THREATENED PEACE OFFENSIVE GERMAN EAGLE (to British Lion): "I warn you--a little more of this obstinacy and you'll rouse the dove in me!"

The British troops have met Sir Douglas Haig's appeal as we knew they would: Those who have gone back at the seventh wave are waiting for the tide to turn. To the fainthearted or shaken souls who contend that no victory is worth gaining at the cost of such carnage and suffering, these lines addressed "To Any Soldier" may serve as a solvent of their doubts and an explanation of the mystery of sacrifice: The Germans have reached Sevastopol, but the Kaiser's Junior Partner in the South is only prog

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THE DUD

THE DUD

Mr. Bonar Law has brought in his Budget and asked for a trifle of 842 millions. We are to pay more for our letters, our cheques, and our tobacco. The Penny Postage has gone, and the Penny Pickwick with it. For the rest we have had the Maurice Affair, which looked like a means of resurrecting the Opposition but ended in giving the Government a new lease of life, and Sir Eric Geddes has given unexpected support to the allegations that the German pill-boxes were made of British cement. At least he

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WOMAN POWER CERES: "Speed the plough!" PLOUGHMAN: "I don't know who you are, ma'am, but it's no good speeding the plough unless we can get the women to do the harvesting." (Fifty thousand more women are wanted on the land to take the place of men called to the colours, if the harvest is to be got in.)

WOMAN POWER CERES: "Speed the plough!" PLOUGHMAN: "I don't know who you are, ma'am, but it's no good speeding the plough unless we can get the women to do the harvesting." (Fifty thousand more women are wanted on the land to take the place of men called to the colours, if the harvest is to be got in.)

The danger is not past, but grounds for hope multiply. The new German assault between Montdidier and Noyon has brought little substantial gain at heavy cost. The attacks towards Paris have been held, and Paris, with admirable fortitude, makes little of the attentions of "Fat Bertha." "The struggle must be fought out," declared the Kaiser in the recent anniversary of his accession to the throne. In the meanwhile no opportunities of talking it out will be overlooked by the enemy. He is once more p

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THE CELESTIAL DUD. KAISER: "Ha! A new and brilliant star added to my constellation of the Eagle!" GENERAL FOCH: "On the wane, I think." (It is anticipated in astronomical circles that the new star, Nova Aquilae, will shortly disappear.)

THE CELESTIAL DUD. KAISER: "Ha! A new and brilliant star added to my constellation of the Eagle!" GENERAL FOCH: "On the wane, I think." (It is anticipated in astronomical circles that the new star, Nova Aquilae, will shortly disappear.)

The long struggle between von Kühlmann and the generals has ended in the fall of the Minister; but not before he had indicated to the Reichstag the possibility of another Thirty Years' War, and asserted that no intelligent man ever entertained the wish that Germany should attain world-domination. There was a time when this frank reflection on the Hohenzollern intelligence would have constituted lèse-majesté. Coming from a Minister it amounts to a portent. Now he has gone, but the growing belief

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A PITIFUL POSE TEUTON CROCODILE: "I do so feel for the poor British wounded. I only wish we could do more for them." "We Germans will preserve our conception of Christian duty towards the sick and wounded" --From recent remarks of the Kaiser reported by a German correspondent.)

A PITIFUL POSE TEUTON CROCODILE: "I do so feel for the poor British wounded. I only wish we could do more for them." "We Germans will preserve our conception of Christian duty towards the sick and wounded" --From recent remarks of the Kaiser reported by a German correspondent.)

Now that the Food Controller has got into his stride, the nation has begun to realise the huge debt it owes to his firmness and organising ability, and is proportionately concerned to hear of his breakdown from overwork. The queues have disappeared, supplies are adequate, and there are no complaints of class-favouritism....

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BOBBY (at the conclusion of dinner): "Mother, I don't know how it is, but I never seem to get that--that--nice sick feeling nowadays."

BOBBY (at the conclusion of dinner): "Mother, I don't know how it is, but I never seem to get that--that--nice sick feeling nowadays."

It is remarkable how the British soldier will pick up languages, or at least learn to interpret them. Only last week an American corporal stopped a British Sergeant and said: "Say, Steve, can you put me wise where I can barge into a boiled-shirt biscuit-juggler who would get me some eats?" And the Sergeant at once directed him to a café. The training of the new armies, to judge by the example depicted by our artist, affords fresh proof of the saying that love is a liberal education. The situatio

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MISTRESS (as the new troops go by): "Which of them is your cousin?" NURSEMAID (unguardedly): "I don't know yet, ma'am."

MISTRESS (as the new troops go by): "Which of them is your cousin?" NURSEMAID (unguardedly): "I don't know yet, ma'am."

The lavish and, in many cases, inexplicable distribution of the Order of the British Empire bids fair to add a peculiar lustre to the undecorated. The War has produced no stranger paradox than the case of the gentleman who within the space of seven days was sentenced to six months' imprisonment for a breach of the Defence of the Realm regulations and recommended for the O.B.E. on account of good services to the country. The fact that the recommendation was withdrawn hardly justified the assumpti

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VERY MUCH UP A Champagne Counter-Offensive

VERY MUCH UP A Champagne Counter-Offensive

On the 15th the Germans launched their great offensive. On the 20th they recrossed the Marne, and are now entitled to complain that General Foch not only took over the French and British armies, but has recently started taking over a good part of the German army. The neighbourhood has never been a healthy one for the Huns since the days of Attila. Fritz has crossed the Marne and recrossed it--according to plan--and is already on the way to the Aisne. The battle of the rivers has begun again, but

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"WAR PICTURES" THE MOTHER: "Of course, I don't understand them, dear; but they give me a dreadful feeling. I can't bear to look at them. Is it really like that at the Front?" THE WARRIOR (who has seen terrible things in battle): "Thank heaven, no, mother."

"WAR PICTURES" THE MOTHER: "Of course, I don't understand them, dear; but they give me a dreadful feeling. I can't bear to look at them. Is it really like that at the Front?" THE WARRIOR (who has seen terrible things in battle): "Thank heaven, no, mother."

England deplores the death of Lord Rhondda, who achieved success in the most irksome and invidious of offices. He undertook the duties of Food Controller in broken health, never spared himself, and died in harness. It is to be hoped that he realised what was the truth--that he had won not only the confidence but the gratitude of the public. Spain has rendered herself unpleasantly conspicuous by developing and exporting a new form of influenza, and a Spanish astrologer predicts the end of the wor

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CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER: "That's very clever. Who did it?" SERGEANT. "Oh, that's by Perkins, sir--quite an expert. Used to paint sparrows before the war and sell 'em for canaries."

CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER: "That's very clever. Who did it?" SERGEANT. "Oh, that's by Perkins, sir--quite an expert. Used to paint sparrows before the war and sell 'em for canaries."

No record of the month would be complete without notice of the unique way in which the Fourth of July has been celebrated by John Bull and Uncle Sam in France. Truly such a meeting as this does make amends. July was a glorious month for the Allies, and August is even better. It began with the recovery of Soissons; a week later it was the turn of the British, and Sir Douglas Haig struck hard on the Amiens front; since then the enemy have been steadily driven back by the unrelenting pressure of th

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VON POT AND VON KETTLE GERMAN GENERAL: "Why the devil don't you stop these Americans coming across? That's your job." GERMAN ADMIRAL: "And why the devil don't you stop 'em when they are across? That's yours."

VON POT AND VON KETTLE GERMAN GENERAL: "Why the devil don't you stop these Americans coming across? That's your job." GERMAN ADMIRAL: "And why the devil don't you stop 'em when they are across? That's yours."

Hindenburg has confided to a newspaper correspondent that the German people need to develop the virtue of patience. According to the Berliner Tageblatt he has declared that he was not in favour of the July offensive. Ludendorff, on the other hand, may fairly point out that it isn't his offensive any longer. Anyhow, Hindenburg is fairly entitled to give Ludendorff the credit of it since Ludendorff's friends have always said that he supplied the old Mud-Marshal with brains. The amenities of the Hi

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CHILD (who has been made much of by father home on leave for the first time for two years): "Mummy dear, I like that man you call your husband."

CHILD (who has been made much of by father home on leave for the first time for two years): "Mummy dear, I like that man you call your husband."

Food is still the universal topic. Small green apples, says a contemporary, are proving popular. A boy correspondent, however, desires Mr. Punch to say that he has a little inside information to the contrary. Nottingham children, it is stated, are to be paid 3d. a pound for gathering blackberries, but they are not to use their own receptacles. Captain Amundsen is on his way to the Pole, but we fear that he will not find any cheese there. The vocabulary of food control has even made its way to th

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LATEST ADDITION TO MINISTRY STAFF: "What's the tea-time here?" CICERONE: "Usual--three to five-thirty."

LATEST ADDITION TO MINISTRY STAFF: "What's the tea-time here?" CICERONE: "Usual--three to five-thirty."

Yet one of Mr. Punch's poets, in prophetic and optimistic strain, has actually dared to speculate on the delights of life without "Dora"; Dickens, with the foresight of genius, wrote in "David Copperfield" how his hero "felt it would have been an act of perfidy to Dora to have a natural relish for my dinner." The enterprise of The Times in securing the reminiscences of the Kaiser's American dentist (or gum-architect, as he is called in his native land) has aroused mingled feelings. But the Kaise

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IN RESERVE GERMAN EAGLE (to German Dove): "Here, carry on for a bit, will you I'm feeling rather run down."

IN RESERVE GERMAN EAGLE (to German Dove): "Here, carry on for a bit, will you I'm feeling rather run down."

Well may the Berlin Tageblatt say that "the war stares us in the face and stares very hard." When a daily paper announces "Half Crown Prince's army turned over to another General," we are curious to know how much the Half Crown Prince thinks the German Sovereign worth. But the end is not yet. Our pride in the achievements of our Armies and Generals, in the heroism of our Allies and the strategy of Marshal Foch does not blind us to the skill and tenacity with which the Germans are conducting thei

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ALARMING SPREAD OF BOBBING

ALARMING SPREAD OF BOBBING

The two Emmas, Ack and Pip, are naturally furious at the adoption of the twenty-four hours' system of reckoning time, which means that their occupation will be gone, and that like other old soldiers they will fade away. Amongst other innovations we have to note the spread of "bobbing," the further possibilities of which are alarming to contemplate. Ferdinand, Tsar of Bulgaria, great grandson of Philippe Egalité, finding Sofia unhealthy, has been recuperating at Vienna. His future plans are vague

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FARMER AND THE FARM LABOURER

FARMER AND THE FARM LABOURER

The husbandman and his new help have undergone mutual transformation. And our cadet battalions are making themselves very much at home at Oxford and Cambridge....

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CADET: "Really, from the way these College Authorities make themselves at home you'd think the place belonged to them."

CADET: "Really, from the way these College Authorities make themselves at home you'd think the place belonged to them."

The Navy still remains the silent Service, but, as the need for reticence is being relaxed by the triumph of our arms, we are beginning to learn something, though unofficially as yet, of that "plaything of the Navy and nightmare of the Huns"-- the Q-boat: Recognition of services faithfully done is an endless task; but Mr. Punch is glad to print the valedictory tribute of one of the boys in blue to a V.A.D.--a class that has come in for much undeserved criticism. Among the minor events of the mon

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SOLDIER AND CIVILIAN MARSHAL FOCH (to Messrs. Clemenceau, Wilson and Lloyd George): "If you're going up that road, gentlemen, look out for booby-traps."

SOLDIER AND CIVILIAN MARSHAL FOCH (to Messrs. Clemenceau, Wilson and Lloyd George): "If you're going up that road, gentlemen, look out for booby-traps."

Prince Max of Baden, the successor of Hertling in the Chancellorship, whose appointment hardly bears out the promise of popular government, has issued a pacific Manifesto which inspires an "Epitaph in anticipation": Certain people have proclaimed their opinion that the German nation ought not to be humiliated. When all is said, Mr. Punch saves his pity for our murdered dead. Parliament has met again, not that there is any very urgent need for their labours just now. With a caution that seemed ex

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PROSPEROUS IRISH FARMER: "And what about the War, your Riverence? Do ye think it will hould?"

PROSPEROUS IRISH FARMER: "And what about the War, your Riverence? Do ye think it will hould?"

The woes of the Irish harvest labourers in England have not yet been fully appreciated, and seem to demand a revised version of "Moira O'Neill's" beautiful poem: THE IRISH EXILE By way of contrast there is the mood of the Old Contemptibles, but it is only fair to add that there are Irishmen among them: THE OLD-TIMER...

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FIRST CONTEMPTIBLE: "D'you remember halting here on the retreat, George?" SECOND DITTO: "Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little village in the wood there down by the river, or was it that place with the cathedral and all them factories?

FIRST CONTEMPTIBLE: "D'you remember halting here on the retreat, George?" SECOND DITTO: "Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little village in the wood there down by the river, or was it that place with the cathedral and all them factories?

Amongst other items of news we have to chronicle the appointment of Mr. Arnold Bennett as a Director of Propaganda, the steady growth of goat-keeping, and the exactions of taxi-drivers. It is now suggested that if one of these pirates should charge you largely in excess of his legal fare, you should tell him that you have nothing less than a five-pound note. If you have an honest face and speak kindly he will probably accept the amount....

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THE SANDS RUN OUT

THE SANDS RUN OUT

Mr. Bonar Law has been making trips to and from France by aeroplane. The report that a number of members of the Opposition have been invited by the Admiralty to make a descent in a depth-charge turns out to be unfounded. The prospects of peace are being discussed on public platforms, but, as yet, with commendable discretion. Mr. Roberts, our excellent Minister of Labour, has made bold to say that "the happenings of the last six weeks justify us in the belief that peace is much nearer than it was

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VICTORY!

VICTORY!

To take the chief events in order, the Versailles Conference opened on the 1st; on the 3rd Austria gave in and the resolve of the German Naval High Command to challenge the Grand Fleet in the North Sea was paralysed by the mutiny at Kiel; on the 5th the Versailles Conference gave full powers to Marshal Foch to arrange the terms of an armistice, and President Wilson addressed the last of his Notes to Germany; on the 6th the American Army reached Sedan; on the 9th Marshal Foch received Erzberger a

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THE FINAL TOMMY;(ex-footballer): "We was just wipin' them off the face of the earth when Foch blows his whistle and shouts 'Temps!'"

THE FINAL TOMMY;(ex-footballer): "We was just wipin' them off the face of the earth when Foch blows his whistle and shouts 'Temps!'"

These are only some of the heroes who have added to the glories of our blood and State, but the roll is endless--wonderful gunners and sappers and airmen and dispatch riders, devoted surgeons and heroic nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance drivers. But Mr. Punch's special heroes are the Second Lieutenants and the Tommy who went on winning the War all the time and never said that he was winning it until it was won. As for the young officers, dead and living, their record is the best answer to

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ARMISTICE DAY SMALL CHILD (excitedly): "Oh, Mother, what do you think? They've given us a whole holiday to-day in aid of the war."

ARMISTICE DAY SMALL CHILD (excitedly): "Oh, Mother, what do you think? They've given us a whole holiday to-day in aid of the war."

And it is a source of unspeakable joy that our children are safe. For though to most of them their ignorance has been bliss, they have not escaped the horrors of a war in which non-combatants have suffered worse than ever before. Only the healing hand of time can allay the grief of those for whom there can be no reunion on earth with their nearest and dearest: Of the people at large Mr. Punch cannot better the praise of one, the late Mr. Henry James, who was nothing if not critical, and who prov

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IN HONOUR OF THE BRITISH NAVY To commemorate the surrender of the German Fleet

IN HONOUR OF THE BRITISH NAVY To commemorate the surrender of the German Fleet

It remains to trace in brief retrospect the record of "the months between"--a period of test and trial almost as severe as that of the War. Having steadfastly declined the solution of a Peace without Victory, the Allies entered last November on the transitional period of Victory without Peace. The fighting was ended in the main theatres of war, the Kaiser and Crown Prince, discrowned and discredited, had sought refuge in exile, the great German War machine had been smashed, and demobilisation be

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REUNITED Strasbourg, December 8th, 1918.

REUNITED Strasbourg, December 8th, 1918.

Christmas, 1918, was more than "the Children's Truce." Our bugles had "sung truce," the war cloud had lifted, the invaded sky was once more free of "the grim geometry of Mars," and though very few households could celebrate the greatest of anniversaries with unbroken ranks, the mercy of reunion was granted to many homes. Yet Mr. Punch, in his Christmas musings on the solemn memory of the dead who gave us this hour, could not but realise the greatness of the task that lay before us if we were to

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RECONSTRUCTION: A NEW YEAR'S TASK

RECONSTRUCTION: A NEW YEAR'S TASK

Yet even January had its alleviations in the return of the banana, the prospect of unlimited lard, a distinct improvement in the manners of the retail tradesman, the typographical fireworks of the Times in honour of President Wilson, and the retreat of Lord Northcliffe to the sunny south. Lovers of sensation were conciliated by the appointment of "F.E." to the Lord Chancellorship, the outbreak of Jazz, and the discovery of a French author that the plays usually attributed to Shakespeare were wri

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THE 1919 MODEL MR. PUNCH: "They've given you a fine new machine, Mr. Premier, and you've got plenty of spirit, but look out for bumps."

THE 1919 MODEL MR. PUNCH: "They've given you a fine new machine, Mr. Premier, and you've got plenty of spirit, but look out for bumps."

February, a month of comparative anti-climax, witnessed the reassembling of Parliament, fuller than ever of members if not of wisdom. As none of the Sinn Feiners were present, nor indeed any representative of Irish Nationalism, the proceedings were as orderly as a Quaker's funeral, save for the arrival of one member on a motor-scooter. Perhaps the most interesting information elicited during the debates was this--that every question put down costs the tax-payer a guinea. On February 20th there w

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ENGLAND EXPECTS (With Mr. Punch's best hopes for the success of the National Industrial Conference.) BOTH LIONS (together): "Unaccustomed as I am to lie down with anything but a lamb, still, for the sake of the public good ... "

ENGLAND EXPECTS (With Mr. Punch's best hopes for the success of the National Industrial Conference.) BOTH LIONS (together): "Unaccustomed as I am to lie down with anything but a lamb, still, for the sake of the public good ... "

At home, though the rays of "sweet unrationed revelry" were still to come, and Dulce Domum could not yet be sung in every sense, February brought us some relief in the demobilisation of the pivotal pig. And the decision to hold a National Industrial Conference was of encouraging augury for the settlement of industrial strife on the basis of a full inquiry and frank statement of facts. In other walks of life reticence still has its charms, and even in February people had begun to ask who the Gene

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THE EASTER OFFERING MR. LLOYD GEORGE (fresh from Paris): "I don't say it's a perfect egg, but parts of it, as the saying is, are excellent."

THE EASTER OFFERING MR. LLOYD GEORGE (fresh from Paris): "I don't say it's a perfect egg, but parts of it, as the saying is, are excellent."

At home the Government decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners as had not already saved them the trouble, and a Coal Industry Commission was appointed on which no representative of the general public was invited to sit--that is to say, the patient, much enduring consumer, not the public which has all along sought to discount peace by premature whooping, jubilating, and Jazzing. For the Dove of Peace, though in strict training, seemed in danger of collapsing under the weight of the Lea

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HOW TO BRIGHTEN THE PERIOD OF REACTION MOTHER (to son who has fought on most of the Fronts): "Don't you know what to do with yourself, George? Why don't you 'ave a walk down the road, dear?" FATHER: "Ah, 'e ain't seen the corner where they pulled down Simmondses' fish-shop, 'as 'e, Ma?"

HOW TO BRIGHTEN THE PERIOD OF REACTION MOTHER (to son who has fought on most of the Fronts): "Don't you know what to do with yourself, George? Why don't you 'ave a walk down the road, dear?" FATHER: "Ah, 'e ain't seen the corner where they pulled down Simmondses' fish-shop, 'as 'e, Ma?"

On the Rhine the efforts of our army of occupation to present the stern and forbidding air supposed to mark our dealings with the inhabitants were proving a lamentable failure. You can't produce a really good imitation of a Hun without lots of practice. Gloating is entirely foreign to the nature of Thomas Atkins, and he could not pass a child yelling in the gutter without stooping to comfort it. At home his education was proceeding on different lines. The period of reaction had set in, and unwon

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"END OF A PERFECT 'TAG'"

"END OF A PERFECT 'TAG'"

But though the Big Four had been temporarily reduced to a Big Three by Italy's withdrawal, and though M. Clemenceau, Mr. Lloyd George, and President Wilson had all suffered in prestige by the slow progress of the negotiations, Versailles, with the advent of the German delegates, more than ever riveted the gaze of an expectant world. To sign or not to sign, or, in the words of Wilhelm Shakespeare, Sein oder nicht sein: hier ist die Frage --that was the problem which from the moment of his famous

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GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES

GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES

INDEX "According to plan," Admirals, retired, accept commissions in R.N.R. Admiralty and Zeebrugge despatches Africa, German South-West, Botha makes clean sweep in After one Year Airmen, Allied Bombard Karlsruhe German, increased activity of Air Raids Daylight, extend to London Public to be warned Aisne, Battle of Alarming spread of bobbing Albert, King of Belgium Tribute to Victorious on Flanders coast Allenby, General Advances steadily Captures Damascus Enters Jerusalem Allied Council, new,

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