A Comic History Of The United States - free ebook by Livingston Hopkins

A COMIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES.

P.S.—The illustration opposite is intended to take the place of a gift chromo, which we at first contemplated giving away with this book. It is to some extent allegorical, and will be explained at some future time, if necessary....

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DEDICATION.

It seems the printer has left a blank place on this page for a “dedication.” In the early stages of this work, it is true, the author had thought of inscribing it to a wealthy aunt, (who has no other incumbrances,) but on more mature deliberation he has decided to send her instead a nice china shaving mug appropriately inscribed in gold letters, “ Forget me Not .” It will look less pointed....

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PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS.

The compilation of a history of any country is a serious matter, and should not be entered upon rashly. Before undertaking the present work, therefore, the author deliberated for twenty-nine years and six months, and then, having consulted the best legal as well as medical authorities, entered upon the task with fear and trembling. He hired a vacant lot on Nassau street, and fenced it in, and there, surrounded by the paraphernalia of literature and art, he went to work with pen and pencil to jot

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CHAPTER I.

The sun was just sinking below the western horizon on the evening of September 11th, 1492, when a respectably dressed personage of sea-faring appearance might have been seen occupying an elevated position in the rigging of a Spanish ship, and gazing intently out over a vast expanse of salt water upon what at first sight appeared to be an apple dumpling of colossal proportions, but which upon more careful inspection subsequently turned out to be a NEW WORLD . We will not keep the reader longer in

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CHAPTER II.

Christopher Columbus was born at Genoa in Italy, a country chiefly famous for its talented organ-grinders. The youthful Christopher soon made the melancholy discovery that he had no talent in that direction. His tastes then rather took a scientific turn. This was a sad blow to his fond parents, who did hope their son would take a turn at the hurdy-gurdy instead. His aged father pointed out that Science was low and unprofitable, Geology was a humbug, Meteorology and Madness were synonymous terms,

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CHAPTER III.

On the return of Columbus to Spain, he published a map of his voyage in one of the illustrated papers of the day. Through the courtesy of the publishers of that paper we are enabled to place this map before our readers. Map of COLUMBUS Route DRAWN BY CHRIS HIMSELF Here it is translated from the original Spanish. If the gentle reader can make head or tail of it he is more gentle even than we had at first supposed. The publication of this map at the time naturally inspired others with the spirit o

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CHAPTER IV.

It was a century or more after the events narrated in the last chapter before any attempt was made to establish a colony in America, or before civilization got any permanent foothold. In 1606 a certain “London company” got out a patent on Virginia, and the next year sent over a ship-load of old bachelors to settle its claim. They landed at Jamestown in the month of May, and here the wretched outcasts went into lodgings for single gentlemen. The whole country was a howling wilderness, overrun wit

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CHAPTER V.

Massachusetts was first settled by Pilgrim Fathers who sailed from England in the year 1620 on board the May Flour , giving directions to the captain to set them down at some place where they could enjoy religious freedom, trusting rather to his knowledge of Navigation than of Theology to land them at the right place. LANDING OF THE PILGRIMS Thinking wild savages least likely to entertain pronounced religious prejudices, the captain of the May Flour bethought him of America, and landed them hap-

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CHAPTER VI.

Connecticut is an Indian word and signifies Long River . We know, because all the Indian dictionaries we ever read right through give this definition. In 1636, if our memory serves us, Connecticut was claimed by both the Dutch and English, who had a long dispute about it. Neither faction comprehended what the dispute was about, as the Dutch did not understand English nor the English Dutch. All the Dutch knew was that their antagonists were tam Yankees , and the latter were equally clear that the

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CHAPTER VII.

Rhode Island was first settled by a desperate character named Roger Williams, who was banished by the Puritans from Massachusetts because he entertained certain inflammatory views decidedly antagonistic to the enjoyment of religious freedom, namely: that all denominations of Christianity ought to be protected in the new colony. THE Apostacy of Roger Williams This, of course, was mere heresy upon the face of it, and our forefathers proceeded to “deal” with Brother Williams in the true Puritanic s

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CHAPTER VIII.

New Hampshire was a sickly child from the first, and of somewhat uncertain parentage. It was claimed by many proprietors, who were continually involved in lawsuits. Its soil was not very fertile, and yielded little else than Indians and lawyers. The former were the most virulent of which any of the colonies could boast, and the latter were of the young and “rising” sort. A NEW HAMPSHIRE PLANTATION IN COLONIAL TIMES These two elements managed to make it extremely lively for the average colonist,

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CHAPTER IX.

New York was discovered in 1609 by one Henry Hudson, an Englishman by birth, but to all intents and purposes a Dutchman, being then in the service of Holland. Immediately on his arrival he began the work of building a bridge across the East river, which, it is feared, he never was able to finish. Traces of this quaint structure are plainly to be seen to this day, and have been known, time out of mind, as the “New East River Bridge.” Manhattan Island, upon which New York now stands, was settled b

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CHAPTER X.

Not many generations ago New Jersey was a buzzing wilderness—howling would be a misnomer, as the tuneful mosquito had it all to himself. The tuneful mosquito was, in fact, your true New Jersey aboriginal, and we do not hesitate to assert that the wilderness buzzed. But the time came at last when the wilderness of New Jersey was to have something else to do. In the year (confound it! what year was it now?) a select company of colonists landed at Hoboken, led by one Philip Carteret. The latter car

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CHAPTER XI.

The first colony of Pennsylvania was founded in 1682 by Wm. Penn, a Quaker gentleman of steady habits, who, with remarkable foresight settled at Philadelphia, because he thought it an eligible place to hold a Centennial Exhibition. He took out naturalization papers, and began by studying the prejudices of the natives with a view to getting upon the good side of them. He smoked the calumet of peace with them and treated them to hard cider, under the mellowing influence of which they said he was l

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CHAPTER XII.

Lord Baltimore was the oldest inhabitant of Maryland. He named it after Mrs. Charles II, whose maiden name was Henrietta Maria. The name Henrietta Marialand was found rather unhandy for so small a province, so he afterwards cut it down to Maryland . The first settlement was made at the mouth of the Potomac river by a colony of English ladies and gentlemen. They lived chiefly upon green corn and tobacco, which they cultivated in large quantities. When they ran out of funds the latter staple becam

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CHAPTER XIII.

The early history of the Carolinas has few cheerful phases. The first settlers were Puritans, who, finding the business unprofitable, sold out and went to speculating in real estate. Preyed upon by speculators and Indians, as Carolina was, few inducements were held out to emigrants of good moral character. Happily, however, about the beginning of the eighteenth century a distinguished colored gentleman poetically but forcibly announced his intention of emigrating to North Carolina “Wid de banjo

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CHAPTER XIV.

Georgia was first settled in 1732 by one hundred and twenty emigrants (not to mention a surreptitious yellow dog that followed them over) led by James Oglethorpe. Civilization advanced but slowly at first owing to the prohibition of rum and slavery. Twenty years later, however, Georgia was annexed to the Crown, and these two civilizing influences were brought to bear upon society. Georgia made rapid strides after that....

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CHAPTER XV.

Although the English were the oldest inhabitants, it would seem they were not to hold their new possessions undisputed. The fame of the fledgeling continent spread abroad, and people all over the world packed up their loins and girdled their traveling bags for a journey hither. Even France was suddenly seized with the emigrating fever, and soon became England’s principal rival in the new country. She had heard of the American bull-frog as being the largest in the world, and ere long the banks of

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CHAPTER XVI.

Having seen civilization comfortably settled in its new home, let us see how it conducted itself. In the year 1660 certain bills were lobbied through the English Parliament which were highly obnoxious to the American colonies then established in Virginia. These were called the Navigation Acts, and prohibited the colonists from sending their pigs to any other market than England, nor allowed them to purchase any article of commerce, not even a toothpick, from any other country, and even that comm

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CHAPTER XVII.

And we did fight. The first gun was fired on the 19th of April, 1775, at Concord, where a large and select assortment of explosives for celebrating the coming Fourth of July was stored and guarded by a squad of minute-men. A detachment of 3,000 British was sent to destroy these explosives. “Disperse ye Rebels!” is what the British commander remarked. RETREAT OF THE BRITISH. “You’re another!” promptly replied the minute-men, and immediately obeyed the order to disperse. They placed an unexpected

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CHAPTER XVIII.

About two months after the events narrated in the last chapter the battle of Bunker Hill took place, June 19, 1775. It was conducted by General Bunker upon the American side, while one General Hill led the British. On this memorable occasion the Americans managed to destroy a thousand or so of the enemy, and might have done better had their supply of bullets held out. These becoming exhausted the noble fellows fell back upon the brass buttons of their uniforms, which they fired at the British as

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CHAPTER XIX.

One hot sultry day in the summer of 1776 Thomas Jefferson eased his mind in an essay called the Declaration of Independence, which said in effect that the United Colonies of America had saved up money enough to start in business for themselves, and henceforth there was to be no connection with over the way. This document, dated July 4, 1776, was signed by John Hancock and a few other members of Congress who had learned to write, and was duly published in all the daily papers. We received a marke

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CHAPTER XX.

One dark, cold winter’s night General Washington issued very strict orders indeed relative to guard mounting, and each sentinel had to either show his naturalization papers or give affidavit of American parentage. The British hordes were encamped just across the Delaware river in numbers greatly superior to the Americans, and were only waiting for the river to freeze over in order that they might skate across and capture the entire Continental army. As there was no immediate prospect of that, ho

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CHAPTER XXI.

On the 17th of October, 1777, General Washington surrounded and captured the British army under Burgoyne at Saratoga, where they had been spending the Summer, and where it strikes us they had remained rather late in the season. REDUCED STATE OF BURGOYNE’S ARMY AT SARATOGA. The British were entirely out of provisions, and had been living exclusively on congress water for some weeks past. Mr. Burgoyne had written home to the Crown that, if the war was to be successfully prosecuted in America, the

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CHAPTER XXII.

It was in the fall of 1780 that one Benedict Arnold, being seriously inconvenienced for want of funds, employed some very questionable means of getting on his financial legs again. After laying his head together for a spell, he resolved to realize on some real estate belonging to the colonial government, and make a European tour on the proceeds. He secretly negotiated with the British Commander, Lord Clinton, (then at New York,) for the sale of a few acres at West Point, where he (Arnold) happen

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CHAPTER XXIII.

Cornwallis, commander of the British forces, placed his sword at the disposal of General Washington on the 19th of October, 1781, and took passage on the next steamer for Europe. The final scene in the history of the war for American liberty is graphically set forth on page 132 . It is copied from a group of wax-works illustrative of that event, and is, therefore, warranted reliable. The war was now virtually over, but it was not until two years later that England signed a quit-claim deed resign

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CHAPTER XXIV.

It is always very noble and all that sort of thing when a nation or individuals sacrifice anything for a principle. Sometimes such sacrifice meets with immediate reward and sometimes the reward is delayed and the parties making the sacrifice have to wait indefinitely for their pay. A little incident which befel an ancestor of ours illustrates both these propositions to some extent, and having a few moments to spare we are tempted to relate it briefly, as follows. On one memorable occasion, in-pu

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CHAPTER XXV.

We have always from childhood’s hour instinctively recoiled from politics, and have thus far managed to keep out of Congress. If with equal success we can manage to keep out of jail for the rest of our natural existence we shall feel that life has not altogether been a failure. (This is what is called genuine broad American humor. If the reader can find nothing in it to excite his risibilities after a reasonable trial his money will be refunded.) When it first reached the ears of the present Adm

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ELECTRICITY

was accidentally discovered by that famous American statesman and philosopher, Benjamin Franklin, while indulging in his favorite pastime of flying a kite. He ascertained that it was unsafe to fly a kite in a thunder storm unless you have a lightning rod attached to your spinal column. This important discovery conferred upon society the priceless boon of the lightning-rod man....

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THE COTTON-GIN

is an American invention, but whether it compares favorably with “Old Tom” or “London Dock” we are unable to say. We do not believe in stimulants as a rule, yet it cannot be denied that the introduction of the new-fangled gin greatly stimulated the cultivation of cotton in America. Cotton Gin....

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THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIN.

America took the lead in railroad construction, though the locomotive is claimed as an English contrivance. The first railway train was a somewhat crude affair, but it succeeded in making a sensation. The locomotive was built by Peter Cooper, and he it was who ran the machine on its experimental trip. The passengers were a surgeon, a chaplain, an editor, (names forgotten,) John Smith, and another fellow, (all dead-heads.) Mr. Cooper poked the fire, the other fellow pushed behind, while John Smit

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THE FIRST STEAMBOAT

was discovered by Robert Fulton September 4th, 1807. Our special artist was promptly on the spot, and we are thus enabled to lay before our readers all that is worth knowing of this event in the picture opposite....

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THE TEN-CYLINDER PRINTING PRESS.

Newspapers have become a household necessity in every well-regulated American family. They mould public opinion, and are handy to light fires with. The universal use of newspapers gave rise to the ten-cylinder printing press, an American invention. THE FIRST STEAM BOAT—FASTEST TIME ON RECORD. The publication of a daily newspaper is one of the most lucrative professions of the day, and we strongly advise our American youth to abandon all idea of ever becoming President, and save up all their penn

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THE ATLANTIC CABLE.

The Electro-Magnetic Submarine Trans-Atlantic Anglo-American Telegraph Cable is, perhaps, the most wonderful of all Yankee notions. By its agency our great morning dailies are able to get the most unreliable foreign news at the low rate of ten dollars per word. The only wonder is how people on both sides of the water ever got on so long without the cable. On page 195 is a picture representing the submarine cable, for which we cannot help suspecting the artist has drawn largely on his imagination

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MORMONISM

is of doubtful origin. Some authorities give the credit of its invention to Joseph Smith, while others do not hesitate to ascribe its origin to a gentleman whom the mind naturally associates with sulphuric gases. However that may be, Mormonism is one of the institutions of the country, and Brigham Young is its prophet, his present address being Salt Lake City, Utah. Mr. Young makes a specialty of matrimony, and has taken strict precautions to guard against widowhood, as will be seen by reference

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AN APPARATUS

to keep hens from setting is an effervescence of the fertile brain of, well, no matter who. It speaks for itself. For further information on the interesting subject of Yankee ingenuity we commend the reader’s careful perusal of the United States Patent Office Report, a work unequaled for the brilliancy of its conception and startling dramatic situations, and which, for its conscientious adhesion to facts, only has a rival in the present work. AN INGENIOUS INVENTION....

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ART MATTERS.

The visitor to the Capitol, at Washington, will be struck with the paucity of American art, as evinced by the specimens of painting and sculpture to be seen in the Rotunda and immediate vicinity of that structure. Barrels of paint and whole quarries of marble have been sacrificed by an inscrutable Congress, whose sole object seems to have been to frighten its constituency away from the scene of its dark plottings with grotesque Washingtons, fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies, and unpr

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CHAPTER XXVII.

The origin of the North American Indian has always been shrouded in the deepest mystery, and wise-heads of every age and clime have sought to tear aside the veil and show us our aboriginal brother in his true colors. Some of these learned gentlemen have carried their zeal to the extent of renting wigwams in the Indian country, and living among these primitive children of the forest, hoping, by dint of listening at key-holes, to overhear some remark dropped by them that would reveal where they em

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CHAPTER XXVIII.

Few countries can boast such a variety of natural features as our own America. To the intelligent tourist of unlimited bank account this country affords abundant material for the study of nature with all the modern improvements, including gas, hot and cold water, and an elevator running every five minutes up to the fifteenth floor. Terms invariably in advance. Our illustration on the opposite page conveys but a feeble idea of the magnitude of some of the wonderful freaks of nature which the tour

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CHAPTER XXIX.

A work of this nature would be incomplete without some slight allusion to the American Eagle. With reference to that ornithological specimen, we may remark that the first century of his career has been an eventful one. His wings have from time to time been cropped by foreign foes in a style that has made it unnecessary as well as impossible to scorch them against the sun. His tail feathers have been extracted by internecine strife in a manner that has made it extremely difficult for him to steer

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