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495 chapters
I
I
The superficial, no doubt, will mistake this little book for a somewhat laborious attempt at jocosity. Because, incidentally to its main purpose, it unveils occasional ideas of so inordinate an erroneousness that they verge upon the ludicrous, it will be set down a piece of spoofing, and perhaps denounced as in bad taste. But all the while that main purpose will remain clear enough to the judicious. It is, in brief, the purpose of clarifying the current exchange of rhetorical gas bombs upon the
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II
II
In the case of the American of the multitude that accumulation of errors is of astounding bulk and consequence. His ideas are not only grossly misapprehended by all foreigners; they are often misapprehended by his own countrymen of superior education, and even by himself. This last, at first blush, may seem a mere effort at paradox, but its literal truth becomes patent on brief inspection. Ask the average American what is the salient passion in his emotional armamentarium—what is the idea that l
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III
III
But what, then, is the character that actually marks the American—that is, in chief? If he is not the exalted monopolist of liberty that he thinks he is nor the noble altruist and idealist he slaps upon the chest when he is full of rhetoric, nor the degraded dollar-chaser of European legend, then what is he? We offer an answer in all humility, for the problem is complex and there is but little illumination of it in the literature; nevertheless, we offer it in the firm conviction, born of twenty
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IV
IV
It seems to us that the genuine characters of the normal American, the characters which set him off most saliently from the men of other nations, are the fruits of all this risk of and capacity for change in status that we have described, and of the dreads and hesitations that go therewith. The American is marked, in fact, by precisely the habits of mind and act that one would look for in a man insatiably ambitious and yet incurably fearful, to wit, the habits, on the one hand, of unpleasant ass
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V
V
It is necessary to repeat that we rehearse all these facts, not in indignation, nor indeed in any spirit of carping whatever, but in perfect serenity and simply as descriptive sociologists. This attitude of mind is but little comprehended in America, where the emotions dominate all human reactions, and even such dismal sciences as paleontology, pathology and comparative philology are gaudily coloured by patriotic and other passions. The typical American learned man suffers horribly from the nati
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VI
VI
The mob delight in melodramatic and cruel spectacles, thus constantly fed and fostered by the judicial arm in the United States, is also at the bottom of another familiar American phenomenon, to wit, lynching. A good part of the enormous literature of lynching is devoted to a discussion of its causes, but most of that discussion is ignorant and some of it is deliberately mendacious. The majority of Southern commentators argue that the motive of the lynchers is a laudable yearning to "protect Sou
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VII
VII
No doubt we should apologize for writing, even so, so long a preface to so succinct a book. The one excuse we can think of is that, having read it, one need not read the book. That book, as we have said, may strike the superficial as jocular, but in actual fact it is a very serious and even profound composition, not addressed to the casual reader, but to the scholar. Its preparation involved a great diligence, and its study is not to be undertaken lightly. What the psychologist will find to admi
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§1
§1
That the philoprogenitive instinct in rabbits is so intense that the alliance of two normally assiduous rabbits is productive of 265 offspring in one year....
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§2
§2
That there are hundreds of letters in the Dead Letter Office whose failure to arrive at their intended destinations was instrumental in separating as many lovers....
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§3
§3
That the Italian who sells bananas on a push-cart always takes the bananas home at night and sleeps with them under his bed....
6 minute read
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§4
§4
That a man's stability in the community and reliability in business may be measured by the number of children he has....
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§5
§5
That in Japan an American can buy a beautiful geisha for two dollars and that, upon being bought, she will promptly fall madly in love with him and will run his house for him in a scrupulously clean manner....
11 minute read
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§6
§6
That all sailors are gifted with an extraordinary propensity for amour, but that on their first night of shore leave they hang around the water-front saloons and are given knock-out drops....
9 minute read
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§7
§7
That when a comedian, just before the rise of the curtain, is handed a telegram announcing the death of his mother or only child, he goes out on the stage and gives a more comic performance than ever....
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§8
§8
That the lions in the cage which a lion-tamer enters are always sixty years old and have had all their teeth pulled....
6 minute read
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§9
§9
That the Siamese Twins were joined together by gutta percha moulded and painted to look like a shoulder blade....
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§10
§10
That if a woman about to become a mother plays the piano every day, her baby will be born a Victor Herbert....
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§11
§11
That all excursion boats are so old that if they ran into a drifting beer-keg they would sink....
5 minute read
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§12
§12
That a doctor knows so much about women that he can no longer fall in love with one of them....
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§13
§13
That when one takes one's best girl to see the monkeys in the zoo, the monkeys invariably do something that is very embarrassing....
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§14
§14
That firemen, awakened suddenly in the middle of the night, go to fires in their stocking feet....
5 minute read
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§15
§15
That something mysterious goes on in the rooms back of chop suey restaurants....
3 minute read
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§16
§16
That oil of pennyroyal will drive away mosquitoes....
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§17
§17
That the old ladies on summer hotel verandas devote themselves entirely to the discussion of scandals....
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§18
§18
That a bachelor, expecting a feminine visitor, by way of subtle preliminary strategy smells up his rooms with Japanese punk....
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§19
§19
That all one has to do to gather a large crowd in New York is to stand on the curb a few moments and gaze intently at the sky....
8 minute read
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§20
§20
That one can get an excellent bottle of wine in France for a franc....
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§21
§21
That it is dangerous to drink out of a garden hose, since if one does one is likely to swallow a snake....
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§23
§23
That when a girl enters a hospital as a nurse, her primary object is always to catch one of the doctors....
6 minute read
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§24
§24
That the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards....
3 minute read
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§25
§25
That a young girl ought to devote herself sedulously to her piano lessons since, when she is married, her playing will be a great comfort to her husband....
8 minute read
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§26
§26
That all theater box-office employés are very impolite and hate to sell a prospective patron a ticket....
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§28
§28
That all iron-moulders and steam-fitters, back in the days of freedom, used to get drunk every Saturday night....
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§29
§29
That if a man takes a cold bath regularly every morning of his life he will never be ill....
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§30
§30
That ginger snaps are made of the sweepings of the floor in the bakery....
4 minute read
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§31
§31
That every circus clown's heart is breaking for one reason or another....
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§32
§32
That a bull-fighter always has so many women in love with him that he doesn't know what to do....
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§33
§33
That George M. Cohan spends all his time hanging around Broadway cafés and street-corners making flip remarks....
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§34
§34
That one can never tell accurately what the public wants....
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§35
§35
That every time one sat upon an old-fashioned horse-hair sofa one of the protruding sharp hairs would stab one through the union suit....
6 minute read
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§36
§36
That when an ocean vessel collides with another vessel or hits an iceberg and starts to sink, the ship's band promptly rushes up to the top deck and begins playing "Nearer, My God, to Thee."...
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§37
§37
That in no town in America where it has played has "Uncle Tom's Cabin" ever failed to make money....
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§38
§38
That the tenement districts are the unhealthy places they are because the dwellers hang their bed-clothing out on the fire-escapes....
6 minute read
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§39
§39
That, in small town hotels, the tap marked "hot water" always gives forth cold water and that the tap marked "cold" always gives forth hot....
7 minute read
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§40
§40
That every lieutenant in the American army who went to France had an affair with a French comtesse....
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§41
§41
That when cousins marry, their children are born blind, deformed, or imbecile....
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§42
§42
That a cat falling from the twentieth story of the Singer Building will land upon the pavement below on its feet, uninjured and as frisky as ever....
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§43
§43
That the accumulation of great wealth always brings with it great unhappiness....
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§44
§44
That it is unlucky to count the carriages in a funeral....
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§45
§45
That the roulette wheel at Monte Carlo is controlled by a wire as thin as a hair which is controlled in turn by a button hidden beneath the rug near the operator's great toe....
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§46
§46
That Polish women are so little human that one of them can have a baby at 8 A.M. and cook her husband's dinner at noon....
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§49
§49
That German peasants are possessed of a profound knowledge of music....
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§50
§50
That every coloured cook has a lover who never works, and that she feeds him by stealing the best part of every dish she cooks....
7 minute read
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§51
§51
That George Bernard Shaw doesn't really believe anything he writes....
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§52
§52
That the music of Richard Wagner is all played fortissimo , and by cornets....
4 minute read
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§53
§53
That the Masonic order goes back to the days of King Solomon....
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§57
§57
That surgeons often kill patients for the sheer pleasure of it....
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§58
§58
That ten drops of camphor in half a glass of water will prevent a cold....
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§59
§59
That the first thing a country jake does when he comes to New York is to make a bee line for Grant's Tomb and the Aquarium....
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§60
§60
That if one's nose tickles it is a sign that one is going to meet a stranger or kiss a fool....
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§61
§61
That if one's right ear burns, it is a sign that some one is saying nice things about one....
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§62
§62
That if one's left ear burns, it is a sign that some one is saying mean things about one....
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§63
§63
That French women use great quantities of perfume in lieu of taking a bath....
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§64
§64
That a six-footer is invariably a virtuoso of amour superior to a man of, say, five feet seven....
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§65
§65
That a soubrette is always fifteen or twenty years older than she looks....
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§66
§66
That what impels most men to have their finger-nails manicured is a vanity for having manicured finger-nails....
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§67
§67
That water rots the hair and thus causes baldness....
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§68
§68
That when one twin dies, the other twin becomes exceedingly melancholy and soon also dies....
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§69
§69
That one may always successfully get a cinder out of the eye by not touching the eye, but by rolling it in an outward direction and simultaneously blowing the nose....
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§70
§70
That if one wears light weight underwear winter and summer the year 'round, one will never catch a cold....
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§71
§71
That a drunken man is invariably more bellicose than a sober man....
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§72
§72
That all prize-fighters and baseball players have their hair cut round in the back....
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§73
§73
That the work of a detective calls for exceptionally high sagacity and cunning....
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§74
§74
That on the first day of the season in the pleasure parks many persons, owing to insufficiently tested apparatus, are regularly killed on the roller-coasters....
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§75
§75
That a play, a novel, or a short story with a happy ending is necessarily a commercialized and inartistic piece of work....
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§76
§76
That a person who follows up a cucumber salad with a dish of ice-cream will inevitably be the victim of cholera morbus....
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§77
§77
That a Sunday School superintendent is always carrying on an intrigue with one of the girls in the choir....
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§78
§78
That it is one of the marks of a gentleman that he never speaks evil of a woman....
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§80
§80
That a policeman can eat gratis as much fruit and as many peanuts off the street-corner stands as he wants....
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§81
§81
That the real President of the United States is J. P. Morgan....
3 minute read
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§82
§82
That onion breath may be promptly removed by drinking a little milk....
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§83
§83
That onion breath may be promptly removed by eating a little parsley....
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§84
§84
That Catholic priests conduct their private conversations in Latin....
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§86
§86
That all Swedes are stupid fellows, and have very thick skulls....
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§87
§87
That all the posthumously printed stories of David Graham Phillips and Jack London have been written by hacks hired by the magazine editors and publishers....
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§88
§88
That a man like Charles Schwab, who has made a great success of the steel business, could in the same way easily have become a great composer like Bach or Mozart had he been minded thus to devote his talents....
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§89
§89
That the man who doesn't hop promptly to his feet when the orchestra plays "The Star Spangled Banner" as an overture to Hurtig and Seamon's "Hurly-Burly Girlies" must have either rheumatism or pro-German sympathies....
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§90
§90
That every workman in Henry Ford's factory owns a pretty house in the suburbs and has a rose-garden in the back-yard....
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§91
§91
That all circus people are very pure and lead domestic lives....
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§92
§92
That if a spark hits a celluloid collar, the collar will explode....
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§93
§93
That when a bachelor who has hated children for twenty years gets married and discovers he is about to become a father, he is delighted....
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§94
§94
That drinking three drinks of whiskey a day will prevent pneumonia....
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§95
§95
That every negro who went to France with the army had a liaison with a white woman and won't look at a nigger wench any more....
7 minute read
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§98
§98
That it is very difficult to decipher a railroad time-table....
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§99
§99
That gamblers may always be identified by their habit of wearing large diamonds....
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§100
§100
That when a man embarks in a canoe with a girl, the chances are two to one that the girl will move around when the boat is in mid-stream and upset it....
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§101
§101
That German babies are brought up on beer in place of milk....
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§102
§102
That a man with two shots of cocaine in him could lick Jack Dempsey....
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§103
§103
That fully one half the repertoire of physical ailments is due to uric acid....
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§104
§104
That a woman, when buying a cravat for a man, always picks out one of green and purple with red polka-dots....
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§105
§105
That a negro's vote may always be readily bought for a dollar....
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§106
§106
That cripples always have very sunny dispositions....
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§107
§107
That if one drops a crust of bread into one's glass of champagne, one can drink indefinitely without getting drunk....
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§108
§108
That a brass band always makes one feel like marching....
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§109
§109
That, when shaving on a railway train, a man invariably cuts himself....
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§110
§110
That the male Spaniard is generally a handsome, flashing-eyed fellow, possessed of fiery temper....
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§111
§111
That after drinking a glass of absinthe one has peculiar hallucinations and nightmares....
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§112
§112
That since the Indians were never bald, baldness comes from wearing tight hats....
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§114
§114
That the editor of a woman's magazine is always a lizzie....
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§115
§115
That what is contained in the pitcher on the speakers' platform is always ice-water....
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§116
§116
That all Senators from Texas wear sombreros, chew tobacco, expectorate profusely, and frequently employ the word "maverick."...
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§117
§117
That the meters on taxicabs are covertly manipulated by the chauffeurs by means of wires hidden under the latters' seats....
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§118
§118
That Lillian Russell is as beautiful today as she was thirty-five years ago....
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§119
§119
That if a young woman can hold a lighted match in her fingers until it completely burns up, it is a sign that her young man really loves her....
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§120
§120
That if a young woman accidentally puts on her lingerie wrong side out, it is a sign that she will be married before the end of the year....
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§121
§121
That if a bride wears an old garter with her new finery, she will have a happy married life....
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§122
§122
That a sudden chill is a sign that somebody is walking over one's grave....
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§123
§123
That some ignoble Italian is at the bottom of every Dorothy Arnold fugax ....
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§124
§124
That a tarantula will not crawl over a piece of rope....
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§125
§125
That millionaires always go to sleep at the opera....
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§126
§126
That Paderewski can get all the pianos he wants for nothing....
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§131
§131
That a sudden shock may cause the hair to turn grey over night....
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§132
§132
That the farmer is an honest man, and greatly imposed upon....
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§133
§133
That all the antique furniture sold in America is made in Grand Rapids, Mich., and that the holes testifying to its age are made either with gimlets or by trained worms....
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§134
§134
That if a dog is fond of a man it is an infallible sign that the man is a good sort, and one to be trusted....
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§136
§136
That a nurse, however ugly, always looks beautiful to the sick man....
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§138
§138
That if one touches a hop-toad, one will get warts....
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§139
§139
That a collar-button that drops to the floor when one is dressing invariably rolls into an obscure and inaccessible spot and eludes the explorations of its owner....
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§140
§140
That an American ambassador has the French, German, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian and Japanese languages at his finger tips, and is chummy with royalty....
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§141
§141
That the ready-made mail order blue serge suits for men are put together with mucilage, and turn green after they have been in the sunlight for a day or two....
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§142
§142
That if one has only three matches left, the first two will invariably go out, but that the third and last will remain lighted....
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§144
§144
That every country girl who falls has been seduced by a man from the city....
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§145
§145
That an intelligent prize-fighter always triumphs over an ignorant prize-fighter, however superior the latter in agility and strength....
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§147
§147
That nature designed a horse's tail primarily as a flicker-off of flies....
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§148
§148
That nicotine keeps the teeth in a sound condition....
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§149
§149
That when an Odd Fellow dies he is always given a magnificent funeral by his lodge, including a band and a parade....
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§150
§150
That the man who is elected president of the Senior Class in a college is always the most popular man in his class....
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§151
§151
That a minor actress in a theatrical company always considers the leading man a superb creature, and loves him at a distance....
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§153
§153
That when a dog whines in the middle of the night, it is a sure sign that some one is going to die....
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§154
§154
That the stenographer in a business house is always coveted by her employer, who invites her to luncheon frequently, gradually worms his way into her confidence, keeps her after office hours one day, accomplishes her ruin, and then sets her up in a magnificently furnished apartment in Riverside Drive and appeases her old mother by paying the latter's expenses for a summer holiday with her daughter at the seashore....
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§155
§155
That the extinction of the Indian has been a deplorable thing....
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§156
§156
That everybody has a stomach-ache after Thanksgiving dinner....
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§157
§157
That, in summer, tan shoes are much cooler on the feet than black shoes....
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§158
§158
That every man who calls himself Redmond is a Jew whose real name is Rosenberg....
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§159
§159
That General Grant never directed a battle save with a cigar in his mouth....
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§160
§160
That there is something slightly peculiar about a man who wears spats....
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§161
§161
That the more modest a young girl is, the more innocent she is....
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§162
§162
That what a woman admires above everything else in a man is an upright character....
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§164
§164
That no family in the slums has less than six children....
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§165
§165
That a piece of camphor worn on a string around the neck will ward off disease....
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§166
§166
That a saloon with a sign reading "Family Entrance" on its side door invariably has a bawdy house upstairs....
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§167
§167
That the wife of a rich man always wistfully looks back into the past and wishes she had married a poor man....
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§168
§168
That all persons prominent in smart society are very dull....
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§169
§169
That when ordering a drink of whiskey at a bar, a man always used to instruct the bartender as to the size of the drink he desired by saying "two fingers" or "three fingers."...
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§170
§170
That all the wine formerly served in Italian restaurants was made in the cellar, and was artificially coloured with some sort of dye that was very harmful to the stomach....
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§171
§171
That bootblacks whistle because they are so happy....
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§172
§172
That stokers on ocean liners are from long service so used to the heat of the furnaces that they don't notice it....
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§173
§173
That what draws men to horse races is love of the sport....
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§174
§174
That tarantulas often come from the tropics in bunches of bananas, and that when one of them stings a negro on the wharf he swells up, turns green and dies within three hours....
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§175
§175
That a man will do anything for the woman he loves....
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§176
§176
That the reason William Gillette, who has been acting for over forty years, always smokes cigars in the parts he plays is because he is very nervous when on the stage....
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§177
§177
That the doughnut is an exceptionally indigestible article....
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§178
§178
That one captive balloon in every two containing persons on pleasure bent breaks away from its moorings, and drifts out to sea....
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§179
§179
That a workingman always eats what is in his dinnerpail with great relish....
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§180
§180
That children were much better behaved twenty years ago than they are today....
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§181
§181
That the cashier of a restaurant in adding up a customer's cheque always adds a dollar which is subsequently split between himself and the waiter....
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§182
§182
That it is impossible to pronounce the word "statistics" without stuttering....
3 minute read
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§183
§183
That the profession of white slaving, in 1900 controlled exclusively by Chinamen, has since passed entirely under the control of Italians....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§184
§184
That every person in the Riviera lives in a "villa."...
3 minute read
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§185
§185
That the chief form of headgear among the Swiss is the Alpine hat....
4 minute read
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§186
§186
That each year a man volunteers to take his children to the circus merely as a subterfuge to go himself....
6 minute read
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§187
§187
That all marriages with actresses turn out badly....
2 minute read
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§188
§188
That San Francisco is a very gay place, and full of opium joints....
4 minute read
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§189
§189
That an elevator operator never succeeds in stopping his car on a level with the floor....
4 minute read
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§190
§190
That they don't make any pianos today as good as the old square ones....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§191
§191
That a man who habitually clears his throat before he speaks is generally a self-important hypocrite and a bluffer....
5 minute read
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§192
§192
That Maurice Maeterlinck, the Belgian Dr. Frank Crane, leads a monastic life....
3 minute read
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§193
§193
That whenever a vaudeville comedian quotes a familiar commercial slogan, such as "His Master's Voice," or "Eventually, why not now?", he is paid $50 a performance for doing so....
8 minute read
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§194
§194
That all Asiatic idols have large precious rubies in their foreheads....
3 minute read
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§195
§195
That when the foe beheld Joan of Arc leading the French army against them, a look of terror froze their features and that, casting their arms from them, they broke into a frenzied and precipitate flight....
10 minute read
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§196
§196
That the late King Edward VII as Prince of Wales easily got every girl he wanted....
4 minute read
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§197
§197
That the penitentiaries of the United States contain a great number of hapless prisoners possessed of a genuine gift for poetry....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§198
§198
That if a cat gets into a room where a baby is sleeping, the cat will suck the baby's breath and kill it....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§199
§199
That all men named Clarence, Claude or Percy are sissies....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§200
§200
That a street car conductor steals every fifth nickel....
3 minute read
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§201
§201
That the security of a bank is to be estimated in proportion to the solidity of the bank building....
5 minute read
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§202
§202
That seventy-five per cent of all taxicab drivers have at one time or another been in Sing Sing....
5 minute read
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§203
§203
That one can buy a fine suit of clothes in London for twelve dollars....
4 minute read
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§204
§204
That the chicken salad served in restaurants is always made of veal....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§205
§205
That a play without a bed in it never makes any money in Paris....
4 minute read
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§206
§206
That Conan Doyle would have made a wonderful detective....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§207
§207
That an oyster-shucker every month or so discovers a pearl which he goes out and sells for five hundred dollars....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§208
§208
That a napkin is always wrapped around a champagne bottle for the purpose of hiding the label, and that the quality of the champagne may be judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped....
11 minute read
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§209
§209
That because a married woman remains loyal to her husband she loves him....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§210
§210
That every time one blows oneself to a particularly expensive cigar and leans back to enjoy oneself with a good smoke after a hearty and satisfying dinner, the cigar proceeds to burn down the side....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§211
§211
That when a police captain goes on a holiday he always gets boilingly drunk....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§212
§212
That an Italian puts garlic in everything he eats, including coffee....
3 minute read
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§213
§213
That if one hits a negro on the head with a cobblestone, the cobblestone will break....
4 minute read
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§214
§214
That all nuns have entered convents because of unfortunate love affairs....
3 minute read
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§215
§215
That, being surrounded by alcoholic beverages and believing the temptation would be irresistible once he began, a bartender in the old days never took a drink....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§216
§216
That all millionaires are born in small ramshackle houses situated near railroad tracks....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§217
§217
That farmers afford particularly easy prey for book-agents and are the largest purchasers of cheap sets of Guy de Maupassant, Rudyard Kipling and O. Henry....
7 minute read
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§221
§221
That a hair from a horse's tail, if put into a bottle of water, will turn into a snake....
5 minute read
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§223
§223
That it snowed every Christmas down to fifteen years ago....
3 minute read
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§224
§224
That if a young woman finds a piece of tea leaf floating around the top of her tea cup, it is a sign that she will be married before the end of the year....
9 minute read
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§225
§225
That if, after one lusty blow, a girl's birthday cake reveals nine candles still burning, it is a sign that it will be nine years before she gets married....
8 minute read
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Read Chapter
§226
§226
That if, while promenading, a girl and her escort walk on either side of a water hydrant or other obstruction instead of both walking 'round it on the same side, they will have a misunderstanding before the month is over....
11 minute read
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Read Chapter
§227
§227
That it is unlikely that a man and woman who enter a hotel without baggage after 10 P.M. and register are man and wife....
7 minute read
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§228
§228
That all country girls have clear, fresh, rosy complexions....
3 minute read
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§229
§229
That chorus girls spend the time during the entr'-actes sitting around naked in their dressing-rooms telling naughty stories....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§230
§230
That many soldiers' lives have been saved in battle by bullets lodging in Bibles which they have carried in their breast pockets....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§231
§231
That each year the Fourth of July exodus to the bathing beaches on the part of persons from the city establishes a new record....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§232
§232
That women with red hair or wide nostrils are possessed of especially passionate natures....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§233
§233
That three-fourths of the inhabitants of Denver are lungers who have gone there for the mountain air....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§234
§234
That, when sojourning in Italy, one always feels very lazy....
3 minute read
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§235
§235
That the people of Johnstown, Pa., still talk of nothing but the flood....
4 minute read
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§236
§236
That there is no finer smell in the world than that of burning autumn leaves....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§237
§237
That Jules Verne anticipated all the great modern inventions....
3 minute read
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§238
§238
That a man is always a much heartier eater than a woman....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§239
§239
That all the girls in Mr. Ziegfeld's "Follies" are extraordinarily seductive, and that at least 40 head of bank cashiers are annually guilty of tapping the till in order to buy them diamonds and Russian sables....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§240
§240
That a college sophomore is always a complete ignoramus....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§241
§241
That rubbers in wet weather are a preventive of colds....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§242
§242
That if one eats oysters in a month not containing an "r," one is certain to get ptomaine poisoning....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§243
§243
That a woman with a 7½-C foot always tries to squeeze it into a 4½-A shoe....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§244
§244
That no shop girl ever reads anything but Laura Jean Libbey and the cheap sex magazines....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§245
§245
That there is something peculiar about a man who wears a red tie....
4 minute read
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§246
§246
That all Bolsheviki and Anarchists have whiskers....
2 minute read
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Read Chapter
§247
§247
That all the millionaires of Pittsburgh are very loud fellows, and raise merry hell with the chorus girls every time they go to New York....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§248
§248
That a man of fifty-five is always more experienced than a man of thirty-five....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§250
§250
That the boy who regularly stands at the foot of his class in school always turns out in later life to be very successful....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§251
§251
That the ornamental daggers fashioned out of one hundred dollars' worth of Chinese coins strung together, which one buys in Pekin or Hong Kong for three dollars and a quarter, are fashioned out of one hundred dollars' worth of Chinese coins....
11 minute read
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Read Chapter
§252
§252
That it is hard to find any one in Hoboken, N.J., who can speak English....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§253
§253
That the head-waiter in a fashionable restaurant has better manners than any other man in the place....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§254
§254
That a girl always likes best the man who is possessed of a cavalier politeness....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§255
§255
That the most comfortable room conceivable is one containing a great big open fireplace....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§256
§256
That brunettes are more likely to grow stout in later years than blondes....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§257
§257
That a sepia photograph of the Coliseum, framed, is a work of art....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§258
§258
That every time one crosses the English Channel one encounters rough weather and is very sea-sick....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§259
§259
That the Navajo blankets sold to trans-continental tourists by the Indians on the station platform at Albuquerque, New Mexico, are made by the Elite Novelty M'f'g. Co. of Passaic, N.J., and are bought by the Indians in lots of 1,000....
11 minute read
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Read Chapter
§260
§260
That appendicitis is an ailment invented by surgeons twelve years ago for money-making purposes and that, in the century before that time, no one was ever troubled with it....
8 minute read
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Read Chapter
§261
§261
That a theatrical matinée performance is always inferior to an evening performance, the star being always eager to hurry up the show in order to get a longer period for rest before the night performance....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§262
§262
That John D. Rockefeller would give his whole fortune for a digestion good enough to digest a cruller....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§263
§263
That a clergyman leads an easy and lazy life, and spends most of his time visiting women parishioners while their husbands are at work....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§264
§264
That it is almost sure death to eat cucumbers and drink milk at the same meal....
4 minute read
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§265
§265
That all bank cashiers, soon or late, tap the till....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§266
§266
That the members of fashionable church choirs, during the sermon, engage in kissing and hugging behind the pipe-organ....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§267
§267
That women who are in society never pay any attention to their children, and wish that they would die....
5 minute read
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§268
§268
That if one gets one's feet wet, one is sure to catch cold....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§269
§269
That all French women are very passionate, and will sacrifice everything to love....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§270
§270
That when a drunken man falls he never hurts himself....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§271
§271
That all Chinese laundrymen sprinkle their laundry by taking a mouthful of water and squirting it out at their wash in a fine spray; and that, whatever the cost of living to a white man, the Chinese laundryman always lives on eight cents a day....
12 minute read
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Read Chapter
§272
§272
That if one fixes a savage beast with one's eye, the beast will remain rooted to the spot and presently slink away....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§273
§273
That if one eats cucumbers and then goes in swimming, one will be seized with a cramp....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§274
§274
That hiccoughs may be stopped by counting slowly up to one hundred....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§275
§275
That newspaper reporters hear, every day, a great many thumping scandals that they fail to print, and that they refrain through considerations of honour....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§276
§276
That the young East Side fellow who plays violin solos at the moving-picture theatre around the corner is so talented that, if he had the money to go to Europe to study, he would be a rival to Kreisler within three years....
12 minute read
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Read Chapter
§277
§277
That Paderewski, during the piano-playing days, wore a wig, and was actually as bald as a coot....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§278
§278
That lightning never strikes twice in the same place....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§279
§279
That when a doctor finds there is nothing the matter with a man who has come to consult him, he never frankly tells the man there's nothing wrong with him, but always gives him bread pills....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§280
§280
That, in a family crisis, the son always sticks to the mother and the daughter to the father....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§282
§282
That no man of first-rate mental attainments ever goes in for dancing....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§284
§284
That on every trans-Atlantic steamer there are two smooth gamblers who, the moment the ship docks, sneak over the side with the large sum of money they have won from the passengers....
9 minute read
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Read Chapter
§285
§285
That if one gets out of bed on the left side in the morning, one has a mean disposition for the rest of the day....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§286
§286
That a woman who has led a loose life is so grateful for the respect shown her by the man who asks her to marry him that she makes the best kind of wife....
9 minute read
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Read Chapter
§288
§288
That street-corner beggars have a great deal of money hidden away at home under the kitchen floor....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§289
§289
That it is advisable for a young woman who takes gas when having a tooth pulled to be accompanied by some one, by way of precaution against the dentist....
8 minute read
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Read Chapter
§290
§290
That all girls educated in convents turn out in later life to be hell-raisers....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§291
§291
That a young girl may always safely be trusted with the kind of man who speaks of his mother....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§292
§292
That a nine-year-old boy who likes to play with toy steam engines is probably a born mechanical genius and should be educated to be an engineer....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§293
§293
That all celebrated professional humourists are in private life heavy and witless fellows....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§294
§294
That when one stands close to the edge of a dizzy altitude, one is seized peculiarly with an impulse to jump off....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§295
§295
That if one eats an apple every night before retiring, one will never be ill....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§296
§296
That all negroes born south of the Potomac can play the banjo and are excellent dancers....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§297
§297
That whenever a negro is educated he refuses to work and becomes a criminal....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§298
§298
That whenever an Italian begins to dress like an American and to drive a Dodge car, it is a sign he has taken to black-handing or has acquired an interest in the white-slave trust....
9 minute read
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Read Chapter
§299
§299
That, in the days when there were breweries, the men who drove beer-wagons drank 65 glasses of beer a head a day, and that it didn't hurt them because it came direct from the wood....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§300
§300
That, until the time of American intervention, the people of the Philippines were all cannibals, and displayed the heads of their fallen enemies on poles in front of their houses....
8 minute read
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Read Chapter
§301
§301
That whenever a crowd of boys goes camping in summer two or three of them are drowned, and the rest come home suffering from poison ivy....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§302
§302
That whenever a will case gets into the courts, the lawyers gobble all the money, and the heirs come out penniless....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§303
§303
That every female moving-picture star carries on an intrigue with her leading man, and will marry him as soon as he can get rid of his poor first wife, who took in washing in order to pay for his education in the art of acting....
12 minute read
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Read Chapter
§304
§304
That all theatrical managers are Jews, and that most of them can scarcely speak English....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§305
§305
That a great many of women's serious diseases are due to high French heels....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§306
§306
That if one does not scratch a mosquito bite, it will stop itching....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§307
§307
That when a girl gives a man a pen-knife for a present, their friendship will come to an unhappy end unless he exercises the precaution to ward off bad luck by giving her a penny....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§308
§308
That whenever one takes an umbrella with one, it doesn't rain....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§309
§309
That the cloth used in suits made in England is so good that it never wears out....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§310
§310
That cinnamon drops are coloured red with a dye-stuff manufactured out of the dried bodies of cochineal insects....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§311
§311
That the missionaries in China and Africa make fortunes robbing the natives they are sent out to convert....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§312
§312
That there is a revolution in Central America every morning before breakfast, and that the sole object of all the revolutionary chiefs is to seize the money in the public treasury and make off to Paris....
10 minute read
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Read Chapter
§313
§313
That whenever there is a funeral in an Irish family the mourners all get drunk and proceed to assault one another with clubs....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§314
§314
That all immigrants come to America in search of liberty, and that when they attempt to exercise it they should be immediately sent back....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§315
§315
That whenever a rich American girl marries a foreign nobleman, he at once gets hold of all her money, then beats her and then runs away with an actress....
8 minute read
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§316
§316
That if one begins eating peanuts one cannot stop....
3 minute read
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§317
§317
That a bachelor never has any one to sew the buttons on his clothes....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§318
§318
That whenever a dog wags his tail it is a sign that he is particularly happy....
4 minute read
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Read Chapter
§319
§319
That an Italian street labourer can do a hard day's work on one large plate of spaghetti a day....
5 minute read
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Read Chapter
§320
§320
That if one breaks a mirror one will have bad luck for seven years....
4 minute read
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§321
§321
That two men seldom agree that the same girl is good-looking....
3 minute read
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§322
§322
That in the infinitesimal space of time between the springing of the trap-door and his dropping through it, a hanged man sees his entire life pass in panorama before him....
8 minute read
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§323
§323
That when Washington crossed the Delaware, he stood up in the bow of the boat holding aloft a large American flag....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§324
§324
That whereas a man always hopes his first child will be a boy, his wife always hopes that it will be a girl....
6 minute read
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§325
§325
That the first time a boy smokes a cigar he always becomes deathly sick....
4 minute read
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§326
§326
That a woman always makes a practice of being deliberately late in keeping an appointment with a man....
5 minute read
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§327
§327
That if, encountering a savage beast in the jungle, one falls upon the ground, lies still and pretends that one is dead, the savage beast will promptly make off and not hurt one....
9 minute read
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Read Chapter
§328
§328
That if one sits in front of the Café de la Paix, in Paris, one will soon or late see everybody in the world that one knows....
8 minute read
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§329
§329
That it is always twice as hard to get rid of a summer cold as to get rid of a winter cold....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§330
§330
That a soft speaking voice is the invariable mark of a well-bred man....
4 minute read
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§331
§331
That the persons who most vociferously applaud the playing of "Dixie" in restaurants are all Northerners who have never been further South than Allentown, Pa....
7 minute read
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§332
§332
That the larger the dog, the safer he is for children....
3 minute read
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Read Chapter
§333
§333
That Catholic priests never solicit money from their parishioners, but merely assess them so much a head, and make them pay up instantly....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§334
§334
That nine times in ten when one is in pain, and a doctor assures one that he is squirting morphine into one's arm, what he is really squirting in is only warm water....
9 minute read
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Read Chapter
§335
§335
That a German civilian, before the war, had to get off the sidewalk whenever an army lieutenant approached him on the street, and that, if he failed to do so instantly, the lieutenant was free to run him through with his sword....
12 minute read
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Read Chapter
§336
§336
That while it may be possible, in every individual case of spiritualist communication with the dead, to prove fraud by the medium, the accumulated effect of such communications is to demonstrate the immortality of the soul....
10 minute read
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§337
§337
That an Italian who earns and saves $1,000 in America can take the money home, invest it in an estate, and live like a rich man thereafter....
8 minute read
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§338
§338
That all Mormons, despite the laws against it, still practise polygamy, and that they have agents all over the world recruiting cuties for their harems....
7 minute read
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Read Chapter
§339
§339
That when a man goes to a photographer's to have his picture taken, the knowledge that he is having his picture taken always makes him very self-conscious, thus causing him to assume an expression which results in the photograph being an inaccurate likeness....
12 minute read
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§340
§340
That if the lower line on the palm of one's hand is a long one, it is a sign that one is going to live to a ripe old age....
9 minute read
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§341
§341
That Italian counts, before the war, always used to make their expenses when they came to America by acting as wine agents....
6 minute read
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§342
§342
That a Russian peasant, in the days of the czar, drank two quarts of vodka a day....
5 minute read
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§343
§343
That a German farmer can raise more produce on one acre of land than an American can raise on a hundred....
6 minute read
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§344
§344
That a boil on the neck purifies the blood and is worth $1,000....
4 minute read
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§345
§345
That whenever a Frenchman comes home unexpectedly, some friend of the family makes a quick sneak out of the back door....
6 minute read
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§346
§346
That every negro servant girl spends at least half of her wages on preparations for taking the kink out of her hair....
6 minute read
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Read Chapter
§347
§347
That the licorice candy sold in cheap candy stores is made of old rubber boots....
4 minute read
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§348
§348
That if a boy is given all he wants to drink at home he will not drink when he is away from home....
6 minute read
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§349
§349
That the second-class passengers on a trans-Atlantic steamship always have more fun than the first-class passengers....
4 minute read
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§350
§350
That a drunken man always pronounces every "s" as "sh."...
3 minute read
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§352
§352
That thin wrists and slender ankles are unmistakable signs of aristocratic breeding....
3 minute read
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§353
§353
That when one asks a girl to go canoeing she always brings along a bright red or yellow sofa cushion....
6 minute read
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§354
§354
That when a woman buys cigars for a man she always judges the quality of the cigars by the magnificence of the cigar-bands....
6 minute read
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§355
§355
That candle light makes a woman forty-five years old look fifteen years younger....
3 minute read
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§356
§356
That the winters in the United States are a good deal less cold than they used to be, and that the change has been caused by the Gulf Stream....
8 minute read
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§357
§357
That the Thursday matinées given by Chauncey Olcott are attended only by Irish servant girls....
4 minute read
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§358
§358
That the reason the British authorities didn't lock up Bernard Shaw during the war was because they were afraid of his mind....
6 minute read
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§359
§359
That Professor Garner is able to carry on long and intimate conversations with monkeys in their own language....
5 minute read
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§361
§361
That if one sleeps with one's head on a high pillow one will be round-shouldered....
4 minute read
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§362
§362
That coal miners get so dirty that they have to wash so often that they are the cleanest working-men in the world....
6 minute read
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§363
§363
That the average French housewife can make such a soup out of the contents of a garbage-can that the eater will think he is at the Ritz....
8 minute read
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§364
§364
That such authors as Dr. Frank Crane and Herbert Kaufman do not really believe what they write, but print it simply for the money that is in it....
8 minute read
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§365
§365
That the average newspaper cartoonist makes $100,000 a year....
3 minute read
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§366
§366
That when a play is given in an insane asylum the inmates always laugh at the tragic moments and cry at the humorous moments....
7 minute read
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§367
§367
That if a girl takes the last cake off a plate she will die an old maid....
5 minute read
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§368
§368
That men high in public affairs always read detective stories for diversion....
3 minute read
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§369
§369
That the wireless news bulletins posted daily on ocean liners are made up on board....
4 minute read
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§372
§372
That if one holds a buttercup under a person's chin and a yellow light is reflected upon that person's chin, it is a sign that he likes butter....
8 minute read
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§373
§373
That all penny-in-the-slot weighing machines make a fat woman lighter and a thin woman heavier....
4 minute read
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§374
§374
That in the period just before a woman's baby is born the woman's face takes on a peculiar spiritual and holy look....
6 minute read
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§375
§375
That when a Chinese laundryman hands one a slip for one's laundry, the Chinese letters which he writes on the slip have nothing to do with the laundry but are in reality a derogatory description of the owner....
11 minute read
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§376
§376
That an old woman with rheumatism in her leg can infallibly predict when it is going to rain....
5 minute read
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§378
§378
That it is impossible for a man to learn how to thread a needle....
4 minute read
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§379
§379
That there is something unmanly about a grown man playing the piano, save only when he plays it in a bordello....
6 minute read
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§380
§380
That a couple of quinine pills, with a chaser of rye whiskey, will cure a cold....
4 minute read
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§381
§381
That all Congressmen who voted for Prohibition are secret lushers and have heavy stocks of all sorts of liquors in their cellars....
6 minute read
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§382
§382
That a certain Exalted Personage in Washington is a gay dog with the ladies and used to cut up with a stock company actress....
7 minute read
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§384
§384
That all Japanese butlers are lieutenants in the Japanese Navy and that they read and copy all letters received by the folks they work for....
7 minute read
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§385
§385
That the best way to stop nose-bleed is to drop a door-key down the patient's back....
4 minute read
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§386
§386
That a thunder-storm will cause milk to turn sour....
3 minute read
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§387
§387
That if a man drinks three glasses of buttermilk every day he will never be ill....
4 minute read
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§388
§388
That whenever two Indians meet they greet each other with the word "How!"...
3 minute read
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§389
§389
That the Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States all chew tobacco while hearing cases, but that they are very serious men otherwise, and never laugh, or look at a pretty girl, or get tight....
10 minute read
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§390
§390
That all negro prize-fighters marry white women, and that they afterward beat them....
3 minute read
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§391
§391
That New Orleans is a very gay town and full of beautiful French creoles....
4 minute read
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§393
§393
That the English lower classes are so servile that they say "Thank you, sir," if one kicks them in the pantaloons....
6 minute read
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§394
§394
That the gipsies who go about the country are all horse-thieves, and that they will put a spell upon the cattle of any farmer who has them arrested for stealing his mare....
9 minute read
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§395
§395
That every bachelor of easy means has an illicit affair with a grass widow in a near-by city and is the father of several illegitimate children....
7 minute read
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§396
§396
That a country editor receives so many presents of potatoes, corn, rutabagas, asparagus, country ham, carrots, turnips, etc., that he never has to buy any food....
7 minute read
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§397
§397
That whenever news reached him of another Federal disaster Abraham Lincoln would laugh it off with a very funny and often somewhat smutty story, made up on the spot....
8 minute read
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§398
§398
That George Washington died of a heavy cold brought on by swimming the Potomac in the heart of winter to visit a yellow girl on the Maryland shore....
8 minute read
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§399
§399
That all negroes who show any intelligence whatever are actually two-thirds white, and the sons of United States Senators....
5 minute read
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§400
§400
That the late King Leopold of Belgium left 350 illegitimate children....
3 minute read
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§401
§401
That Senator Henry Cabot Lodge is a very brainy man, though somewhat stuck up....
4 minute read
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§402
§402
That if one eats ice-cream after lobster one will be doubled up by belly-ache....
4 minute read
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§403
§403
That Quakers, for all their religion, are always very sharp traders and have a great deal of money hidden away in banks....
6 minute read
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§404
§404
That old baseball players always take to booze, and so end their days either as panhandlers, as night watchmen or as janitors of Odd Fellows' halls....
7 minute read
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§405
§405
That the object of the players, in college football, is to gouge out one another's eyes and pull off one another's ears....
6 minute read
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§406
§406
That the sort of woman who carries around a Pomeranian dog, if she should ever have a child inadvertently, would give the midwife $500 to make away with it....
8 minute read
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§407
§407
That a woman likes to go to a bargain sale, fight her way to the counter, and have pins stuck into her and her feet mashed by other women....
8 minute read
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§408
§408
That, if one swallows an ounce of olive oil before going to a banquet, one will not get drunk....
5 minute read
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§409
§409
That a mud-turtle is so tenacious of life that if one cuts off his head a new one will grow in its place....
6 minute read
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§410
§410
That the only things farmers read are government documents and patent-medicine almanacs....
3 minute read
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§411
§411
That if one's ear itches it is a sign that some one is talking of one....
5 minute read
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§412
§412
That Italian children, immediately they leave the cradle, are sewed into their underclothes, and that they never get a bath thereafter until they are confirmed....
7 minute read
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§413
§413
That all Catholic priests are very hearty eaters, and have good wine cellars....
3 minute read
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§414
§414
That politics in America would be improved by turning all the public offices over to business men....
5 minute read
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§415
§415
That department store sales are always fakes, and that they mark down a few things to attract the women and then swindle them by lifting the prices on things they actually want....
9 minute read
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§416
§416
That 100,000 abortions are performed in Chicago every year....
3 minute read
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§417
§417
That John D. Rockefeller has a great mind, and would make a fine President if it were not for his craze for money....
6 minute read
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§418
§418
That all the Jews who were drafted during the late war were put into the Quartermaster's Department on account of their extraordinary business acumen....
6 minute read
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§420
§420
That chorus girls in the old days got so tired of drinking champagne that the sound of a cork popping made them shudder....
7 minute read
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§421
§421
That the Massachusetts troops, after the first battle of Bull Run, didn't stop running until they reached Harrisburg, Pa....
5 minute read
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§422
§422
That General Grant was always soused during a battle, and that on the few occasions when he was sober he got licked....
6 minute read
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§423
§423
That the late King Edward used to carry on in Paris at such a gait that he shocked even the Parisians....
6 minute read
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§424
§424
That it takes an Englishman two days to see a joke, and that he always gets it backward even then....
6 minute read
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§425
§425
That headwaiters in fashionable hotels make $100 a day....
3 minute read
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§426
§426
That if a bat flies into a woman's hair, the hair must be cut off to get it out....
5 minute read
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§427
§427
That all the women in Chicago have very large feet....
3 minute read
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§428
§428
That on cold nights policemen always sneak into stables on their beats and go to sleep....
4 minute read
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§429
§429
That all the school-boys in Boston have bulged brows, wear large spectacles and can read Greek....
4 minute read
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§431
§431
That nine out of every ten Frenchmen have syphilis....
3 minute read
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§432
§432
That the frankfurters sold at circuses and pleasure parks are made of dog meat....
4 minute read
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§433
§433
That all the cheaper brands of cigarettes are sophisticated with drugs, and in time cause those who smoke them to get softening of the brain....
7 minute read
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§435
§435
That a country boy armed with a bent pin can catch more fish than a city angler with the latest and most expensive tackle....
7 minute read
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§438
§438
That the worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife....
3 minute read
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§439
§439
That an elephant in a circus never forgets a person who gives him a chew of tobacco or a rotten peanut, but will single him out from a crowd years afterward and bash in his head with one colossal blow....
12 minute read
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§441
§441
That an old sock makes the best wrapping for a sore throat....
3 minute read
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§442
§442
That lighting three cigarettes with one match will bring some terrible calamity upon one or other of the three smokers....
6 minute read
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§443
§443
That milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and that a person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it....
9 minute read
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§444
§444
That whenever there is a rough-house during a strike, it is caused by foreign anarchists who are trying to knock out American idealism....
6 minute read
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§445
§445
That, whatever the demerits of Jews otherwise, they are always very kind to their old parents....
4 minute read
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§446
§446
That the Swiss army, though small, is so strong that not even the German army in its palmy days could have invaded Switzerland, and that it is strong because all Swiss are patriots to the death....
10 minute read
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§447
§447
That when two Frenchmen fight a duel, whether with pistols or with swords, neither of them is ever hurt half so much as he would have been had he fought an honest American wearing boxing-gloves....
10 minute read
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§448
§448
That whenever Prohibition is enforced in a region populated by negroes, they take to morphine, heroin and other powerful drugs, and begin murdering all of the white inhabitants....
8 minute read
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§449
§449
That all the great writers of the world now use typewriters....
3 minute read
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§450
§450
That all Presidents of the United States get many hot tips on the stock-market, but that they are too honourable to play them, and so turn them over to their wives, who make fortunes out of them....
10 minute read
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§451
§451
That Elihu Root is an intellectual giant, and that it is a pity the suspicion of him among farmers makes it impossible to elect him President....
7 minute read
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§452
§452
That no man not a sissy can ever learn to thread a needle or darn a sock....
5 minute read
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§453
§453
That all glass blowers soon or late die of consumption....
3 minute read
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§454
§454
That all women who go in bathing at the French seaside resorts affect very naughty one-piece bathing suits....
5 minute read
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§455
§455
That George M. Cohan and Irving Berlin can only play the piano with one finger....
4 minute read
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§456
§456
That farmers always go into gold mine swindles because of the magnificently embossed stock certificates....
4 minute read
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§457
§457
That the Germans eat six regular meals a day, and between times stave off their appetite with numerous Schweitzer cheese sandwiches, blutwurst and beer....
6 minute read
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§458
§458
That David Belasco teaches his actresses how to express emotion by knocking them down and pulling them around the stage by the hair....
6 minute read
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§459
§459
That only Americans travel in the first class carriages of foreign railway trains, and that fashionable Englishmen always travel third class....
6 minute read
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§460
§460
That the whiskey sold in blind pigs contains wood alcohol and causes those who drink it to go blind....
5 minute read
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§461
§461
That wealthy society women never wear their pearl necklaces in public, but always keep them at home in safes and wear indistinguishable imitations instead....
6 minute read
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§462
§462
That the late Charles Yerkes had no less than twenty girls, for each of whom he provided a Fifth Avenue mansion and a yearly income of $50,000....
8 minute read
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§463
§463
That when one goes to a railroad station to meet some one, the train is never on time....
5 minute read
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§464
§464
That the theatregoers in the Scandinavian countries care for nothing but Ibsen and Strindberg....
4 minute read
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§465
§465
That all doctors write prescriptions illegibly....
2 minute read
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§467
§467
That when the weather man predicts rain it always turns out fair, and that when he predicts fair it always rains....
6 minute read
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§469
§469
That if a woman wears a string of amber beads she will never get a sore throat....
5 minute read
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§471
§471
That all actors sleep till noon, and spend the afternoon calling on women....
3 minute read
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§472
§472
That the men who make sauerkraut press it into barrels by jumping on it with their bare feet....
5 minute read
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§473
§473
That the moment a nigger gets eight dollars, he goes to a dentist and has one of his front teeth filled with gold....
6 minute read
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§474
§474
That one never sees a Frenchman drunk, all the souses whom one sees in Paris being Americans....
5 minute read
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§475
§475
That a daughter is always a much greater comfort to a mother in after life than a son....
5 minute read
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§476
§476
That a man with a weak, receding chin is always a nincompoop....
3 minute read
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§477
§477
That English butlers always look down on their American employers, and frequently have to leave the room to keep from laughing out loud....
6 minute read
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§478
§478
That the most faithful and loving of all dogs is the Newfoundland....
3 minute read
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§479
§479
That a man always dislikes his mother-in-law, and goes half-crazy every time she visits him....
4 minute read
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§480
§480
That if one doesn't scratch a mosquito bite it will stop itching....
3 minute read
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§481
§481
That all the men in the moving picture business were formerly cloak and suit merchants, and that they are now all millionaires....
6 minute read
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§482
§482
That the accumulation of money makes a man hard, and robs him of all his finer qualities....
5 minute read
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§483
§483
That, in an elevator, it is always a man who usurps the looking-glass....
4 minute read
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§485
§485
That if a man's eyebrows meet, it is a sign that he has a very unpleasant nature....
5 minute read
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§486
§486
That a negro ball always ends up in a grand free-for-all fight, in which several coons are mortally slashed with razors....
6 minute read
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§487
§487
That if Houdini were locked up in Sing Sing, he would manage to make his get-away in less than half an hour's time....
6 minute read
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