Colonial Facts And Fictions: Humorous Sketches

COLONIAL FACTS AND FICTIONS.

COLONIAL FACTS AND FICTIONS Humorous Sketches By MARK KERSHAW London CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 1886 [ The right of translation is reserved ]...

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NORTH AUSTRALIA.

Residents in foreign lands often think that it is an impertinence if a passing stranger write about them. Those who have been for a long time resident in a country seldom write a description of their experiences. About many things they seem to have learnt how little they really know, whilst to things of every-day occurrence they have become so accustomed, that they do not think them worthy of description. The persons who do write, and who delight to write about a place, are the birds of passage.

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QUEENSLAND.

In my last letter I told you about our experiences at Port Darwin. It took us exactly three days to get over those experiences. Those who didn’t sleep, sat on cane chairs gazing at the Gulf of Carpentaria, thinking of their past folly, and speculating when the next flying fish would rise. There is not much excitement in tropical seas. You seldom if ever see a ship, and birds, if there are any, are too languid to take exercise. All is dead save the movement of the waters, and the fluttering of fl

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ADVENTURES WITH A BOOMERANG.

I had a boomerang given to me when in Brisbane. I have got it yet. If the troubles it has caused me, and the troubles it has in store for me, do not bring me to an early grave, I have the intention of passing this specimen of aboriginal workmanship on to some fellow I don’t like. By the same messenger I intend to send him the address of a respectable undertaker. If you have a deadly hatred for a man—if there is a man who has insulted you, called you a liar and a thief, converted you and your fam

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A NEWCASTLE LEGEND; OR, THE STORY OF THE DARK ROOM.

My bedroom was like a cellar taken upstairs. But for a glimmer that came in over a door leading into a drawing-room, I was in utter darkness. It was even necessary to light a candle to dress by. When next morning I interviewed the landlord I inquired as to the nature of his contract with the neighbouring barber, for no one could possibly see to shave in his establishment. “What, were you in number sixteen?” asked the landlord. “I gave strict orders that no guests were to be put in that room. The

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A WONDERFUL BATH.

The first introduction that my friends gave me was to their clubs. If we except Botany Bay, nearly all Colonial clubs are exceedingly particular. A guest, until he is elected an honorary member, cannot pass beyond a guest-room, which is almost on the threshold. Even here he is not supposed to linger. At one club, the internal arrangements of which were quite palatial, I saw a bath which would excite the wonder of a Barnum. It ought to be exhibited. The performances that this wonderful piece of m

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A CIRCULAR STORY.

‘It was in the early days of Victorian history, when I found myself in Sandhurst and short of money. A friend in Melbourne had given me an introduction to Mr. J. G. Boosey, proprietor and editor of the Bendigo Scientific Advertiser and General News Agent . To make my introduction agreeable to Mr. Boosey, and at the same time pecuniarily advantageous to myself, I penned a short article on the garden-snail, which had recently been imported from Europe, and was creating ravages of no inconsiderable

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EARLY DAYS IN MELBOURNE; OR, CAPTAIN STRINGER AND THE WATERS OF JOGGA WOGGA.

Old Captain Stringer came here in ’54, and, like a lot of skippers who came to Melbourne about that time, was ruined. No sooner had he dropped anchor than all the crew, even to the little cabin-boy, made for shore, bought a swag, and started off for Bendigo. The gold fever was on everybody, and even £20 a month was not sufficient to keep a sailor on board his ship. At first Stringer took the matter philosophically, and was always saying that by-and-by they would be able to get hands on board for

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JOHNSON’S BOY.

I suffered from toothache when I was in Launceston, and was in consequence led to make inquiries about dentistry. ‘Speaking of teeth,’ said a gentleman at the club, ‘we have a dentist in this town who will whip spots out of all the tooth carpenters in creation. He came here about two years ago, and set up as a locksmith and general mechanic. Everybody said he was pretty clever, but somehow or other he didn’t succeed as he ought to have done. The only work he could get when he first came was to m

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THE SMELTING WORKS.

While at Launceston I spent an evening visiting the Smelting Works. The tin-ore which is treated at these works comes from Mount Bischoff, one of the largest and most famous tin mines in the world. The process of smelting is apparently very simple. The ore is mixed with about one-fifth its weight of powdered coal, and then put into a reverberatory furnace for about eight hours. To purify the tin after it is drawn off from this furnace it is kept liquid in a large iron caldron, fixed at the botto

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THE STORY OF A POST-BOX.

During the evening I heard an animated discussion between several of the Emu Bay residents about the disgraceful manner in which they had been treated by the postal authorities in that district. ‘You know,’ said one of them, ‘the behaviour of that old woman they’ve made into post-mistress ought to be reported. The hardest work these post-masters and post-mistresses have to do is when they get out of bed to draw their pay. They don’t care for us not a bit. Why, they won’t do anything on Sundays.

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THE RABBIT DIFFICULTY EXPLAINED.

Seeing and hearing so much about rabbits when in New Zealand made me anxious to discover the law or laws which governed their multiplication. When I was in the train on my way to Dunedin, I, MacTavish, and MacCallum More tried to investigate the question, but I am sorry to say that we signally failed. MacTavish tried to illustrate it with a pack of cards he carried, beginning by dealing out a king and queen to represent a pair of rabbits. Under each of these he would place six more cards to repr

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DICKEY ADAMS.

‘It was a sad affair, that was. It was Dickey Adams who thought he could make a fortune out of the Wellington winds. We told him to let them alone. ‘“Look,” Dickey, said I, “nothing can stand against these Wellington winds. You’ll find your blessed windmill up amongst the Maoris the day after you put it up, and they’ll say it was given to them last year by a gentleman from Australia. Don’t you remember that train which was blown backwards right through the terminus, and landed the passengers for

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ABOUT EARTHQUAKES.

Another thing that Wellington is famous for is its earthquakes. Many of these have been sufficiently violent to become landmarks in New Zealand history. It has often happened that the coast-line to the west of Wellington has been permanently raised several feet by earthquakes. Wellington has been a gainer by these upheavals, and houses which were once on the sea-shore are now some distance back. Any year may bring the announcement that Wellington has taken another upward start, and what is now t

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TRIP TO THE HOT LAKES.

There are several ways by which a visitor from Auckland can reach the Wonderland of New Zealand. The quickest way is by steamer to Tauranga, and then in coach to Ohinemutu, where you are at once amongst the hot springs. By starting on certain days in the week, when coaches and steamers are arranged to meet, the journey takes twenty-four hours. Mac and I went viâ Cambridge to Ohinemutu, and returned by the Thames. These routes are much longer, but that was not to be objected to, as it gave us bet

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A SYSTEMATIC GUIDE-BOOK.

When I was in New Zealand I commenced to write a guide-book for the country. My objects were manifold. I wished to increase the traveller’s pleasure by pointing out to him the sights best worth visiting. I was desirous of placing in the hands of those who had visited this Wonderland the means of reviving their impressions. I wanted to give to those who live in distant countries, and are not blessed with the ways and means of journeying to New Zealand, an accurate and faithful account of all its

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THE JOURNEY TO NEW ZEALAND.

1. By the medium of mere words it is impossible to convey an adequate idea of the grandeur—the surprising loveliness we may say—of the elegant and palatial-like appearance of the steamers which carry the wanderer to New Zealand. (New Zealand being an island surrounded by water, it is necessary to approach it by boat or balloon. I went in a boat.) 2. When a stranger stands for the first time before a New Zealand steamer, and views the magnificence and completeness of the arrangements, he is struc

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COACHING IN NEW ZEALAND.

1. By the medium of mere words it is impossible to convey an adequate idea of the grandeur—the surprising loveliness we may say—of a New Zealand coach. (Children free.) 2. When a stranger stands for the first time before a New Zealand coach, and views the mechanism of its marvellously constructed wheels, he is struck dumb with admiration. (From the movement I once experienced in one, I had the vehicle stopped and got out to see if the wheels were square.) 3. As you roll along in these palaces on

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THE HOT LAKES.

1. By the medium of mere words it is impossible to convey an adequate idea of the grandeur—the supreme loveliness we may say—of the enchanting and ravishing beauty of the Hot Lakes of the Northern Island. (You can cook potatoes in them.) 2. When a stranger stands for the first time before the White Terrace he is struck dumb in admiration. 3. The wonderful lithic incrustation before him surpasses the wildest flight of Eastern imagination. The delicate tracery and champfered fretwork of the stony

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THE COLD LAKES.

1. By the medium of mere words it is impossible to convey an adequate idea of the grandeur—the surpassing loveliness we may say—of the enchanting and ravishing beauty of the Cold Lakes of the Southern Island. (Don’t bathe unless you can swim.) 2. When a stranger stands for the first time in the land of the mountain and flood—the home of the ice-king—all of which are within easy reach of the Cold Lakes, he is struck dumb with admiration. 3. The barren desolate grandeur of the haggard jagged pinna

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SUNRISES AND SUNSETS.

1. By the medium of mere words, it is impossible to convey an adequate idea of the grandeur—the surprising loveliness we may say—of the enchanting and ravishing beauty of the sunsets in New Zealand. (Good lodgings at the neighbouring hotel for 20s. a night. Try dry curaçoa.) 2. When a stranger stands for the first time before a New Zealand sunset, and views Nature in her wildest moods for colouring, he is struck dumb with admiration. (The application of a pin will often relieve the trouble.) 3.

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THE GENERAL ASPECT OF NATURE IN NEW ZEALAND.

1. By the medium of mere words, it is impossible to convey an adequate idea of the grandeur—the supreme loveliness we may say—of the enchanting and ravishing beauty of the general aspect of nature in New Zealand. 2. When a stranger stands for the first time before the general aspect of nature in New Zealand to interview its fairy nooks, filled with umbrageous ferns, he is petrified with admiration. (Don’t stand too long, or you may get your feet damp.) 3. The green glory of the mountain’s bosky

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