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DUMBELLS OF BUSINESS
DUMBELLS OF BUSINESS
by PROFF O.U. BOJACK ( Bus.Doc. ) AUTHOR OF “LITTLE NIFTY LESSONS IN SALESMANSHIP,” “LITTLE NIFTY LESSONS IN BUYING,” “LITTLE NIFTY LESSONS IN LOVE & MARRIAGE,” ETC. Fighting Editor “BOJACK’S NOISY EXPORTER” Pruned of Profanity by Louis C. M. Reed 1922 THE STRATFORD CO., Publishers Boston, Massachusetts Copyright, 1922 The STRATFORD CO., Publishers Boston, Mass. The Alpine Press, Boston, Mass., U. S. A. THESE playful biffs on the beak of Business appeared originally in a little House Mag
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HOT SKETCH NO. 1 The Plant Cured of Mossbackitis
HOT SKETCH NO. 1 The Plant Cured of Mossbackitis
OUT among the gnarled oaks of Squirrel Cove there buzzed a busy manufacturing plant. It had been established since Time wore a bib, and, as far back as History could recall, had been handed down from Whiskers to Whiskers without a break. The same old Superintendent with his chew of Fine Cut tucked away in a back-cavity, was always on hand each generation to bury the father and drill the son into the mysteries of Production and Distribution. Old Faithful used to love to take off his beaver cap an
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HOT SKETCH NO. 2 The Lurid Lot of the Leaker
HOT SKETCH NO. 2 The Lurid Lot of the Leaker
A YOUNG man had a job with an old organization. The job was not that of General Manager. Nor was it Department Manager. It was not a managership of any kind, character, quality or description—all claims to the contrary notwithstanding. It was just a job. It was the kind of job that any young man with an eye on ideas and a finger on the future, might have with any old Organization steeped in stability and pickled in policy. In other less alliterative language, we might smooth down our shirt-fro
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HOT SKETCH NO. 3 The Self Abnegationist and his Finish
HOT SKETCH NO. 3 The Self Abnegationist and his Finish
THERE was a Large Employer with fantail whiskers who got good and sore at his Help. They didn’t have the interests of the business At Heart, he said. All they cared about was to fist-in their salaries and see that the Office Clock was accurate. Any time any of them did any dweedling little thing in the shape of exceptional work, they expected credit for it, he murmured. If the Sales Manager pulled up his sales, he would pull down his vest and bid for congratulations. If the Credit Man lost only
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HOT SKETCH NO. 4 The Bird Who Berated Business Assn’s
HOT SKETCH NO. 4 The Bird Who Berated Business Assn’s
ON A hell-hot Saturday afternoon in August a certain American manufacturer sat in his executive oven mopping like a German chef. The Cashier came in and spread before him the weekly Worry Sheet, and then chugged off for the week-end in his little threshing machine. All the other Help had of course already gone, for it was about ten minutes before closing time. The only man left around the Works was the afore-specified manufacturer. He couldn’t get off because he was the Boss. Suddenly, without w
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HOT SKETCH NO. 5 The Advertising Genius of Squirrelville
HOT SKETCH NO. 5 The Advertising Genius of Squirrelville
THERE was a Hotel Clerk in a one-ply town who yearned to become an Ad Man. He could have yearned to become President of the United States if he had wanted to, but there wasn’t so much money in the president business. His name was Fred, but they called him Chesterton for short. During his incarceration as Glad Hander at the McGlook House, Chesterton had lived to see one of the Town Terriers go down to New York and hoof up great clods of turf in the arena of Successful Advertising. This fired his
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HOT SKETCH NO. 6 The Salesman Who Became Buyer
HOT SKETCH NO. 6 The Salesman Who Became Buyer
BILL was a Salesman with a series of chins, who chewed the ends of his cigars and was by nature Very Sociable. The bell sprints would all stampede for his Leathers when he arrived at a/an hotel, and the Clerk always had some little confidential pleasantry to whisper into his large jovial ear when handing him his Room Key. Bill abhorred all forms of convention, had no use for vests, and never called any man “Mr.” past the introduction, no matter how high the social or financial pinnacle from whic
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HOT SKETCH NO. 7 The Pampered Dealer
HOT SKETCH NO. 7 The Pampered Dealer
A CERTAIN condescending old zambuck thought he was doing his Town a large comprehensive favor by being in the hardware business. Whenever a Customer entered his store, carrying the door-webs through on his hat, the grouchy one would look over his glasses to see who it was, and then go on reading his newspaper until he got good and ready, thereby justly rebuking the intruder. Salesmen who called to sell him their flawless Goods used to grow old and hoary sitting around the dumpo waiting for him
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HOT SKETCH NO. 8 The Efficiency Expert
HOT SKETCH NO. 8 The Efficiency Expert
THERE was a Piece of Cheese. He wore a stand-up collar, broken-lot size, and had a/an Adam’s Apple that used to romp up and down the highway every time he swallowed. Also he was the busiest bee in the swarm. After supper each night he had to rush down to the Depot to see that the Railway Boys escorted the 7:12 in and out of the Town all right, and then he’d rush back to the Cigar Store to hear the phonograph play, and lay down a few sound rules on International Relations until the President of t
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HOT SKETCH NO. 9 The Road Rat Who Gave Up Home Comforts
HOT SKETCH NO. 9 The Road Rat Who Gave Up Home Comforts
THE Whiffles did not exactly dwell on any Estate sweeping the green hills. They lived, moved and had their boiled cabbage in one of those sedentary little dumps that get their air through the keyhole in winter and smell like a Subway Local on a wet day. The Whiffles had a son by the name of Ezekiel. On top of it he wore a readymade tie with a corset-stay on the back to keep it from looking human. Ezekiel’s father had jute whiskers that blossomed from the chin out. He used to sit in the kitchen i
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HOT SKETCH NO. 10 The Man Who Organized Manufacturers
HOT SKETCH NO. 10 The Man Who Organized Manufacturers
A TIRED Business Man sat at his busy desk cleaning his nails with his paper-knife and lamenting in his tired-businessman’s heart the lack of organization among manufacturers. The name of this particular t. b. Man was Willyums and he was well-to-do and had a separate pair of suspenders for each pair of trousers. “Just look at the situation,” sighed our fervent plugger for united action. “Here we manufacturers are, all knifing one another like a squirming bunch of inch-browed dagoes, when we ough
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HOT SKETCH NO. 11 The Perpetual Planner
HOT SKETCH NO. 11 The Perpetual Planner
FLOPPINGHAM WATERDELL sat in his office, feet erect, smoking his morning sisal. And nursing along his habitual grouch against Dear Firm. Six months before, Floppingham Waterdell had been stricken with the honor of Branch Manager. It was the biggest job he had ever managed to throw in all his long speckled career, but for some foolish reason Dear Firm thought they had hold of a Whale when they fished him out of the deep blue sea of Job Searchers. “The utter planlessness of their work,” sighed Flo
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HOT SKETCH NO. 12 The Twin-Six Philanthropist
HOT SKETCH NO. 12 The Twin-Six Philanthropist
A POVERTY-PANNED mill owner who had only been able to finger in a bare ten million after twenty gruelling years of grimy grind at Board Meetings and Stock-holders’ Seances, sat wearily at his flat-topped Mahogany and heaved a long abdominal sigh at the hellward tendency of the children of today. “It’s all due to the Pernicious Activity of these agitators,” he said, wiping away a great big humanitarian tear. “All that I am today I owe to the hardships I suffered when a child.” Here he turned on
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HOT SKETCH NO. 13 The Yob Who Let Business Slide
HOT SKETCH NO. 13 The Yob Who Let Business Slide
SLOBBINGS knew that motor cars had four wheels and were owned by people who could not afford them. Slobbings’ wife was equally well up on the subject. She was once acquainted with some folks who had one of those graceful maroon tonneaus with the little back door like a Hicksville hotel bus, and she used to watch them take up the floor and dive down into the basement to fix the machinery every few miles when something went wrong. Slobbings knew only too well that the day was coming when his wife
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HOT SKETCH NO. 14 The Would-Be Sales Promoter
HOT SKETCH NO. 14 The Would-Be Sales Promoter
ONE day a successful Manufacturer who had become strongly addicted to Efficiency Literature after making his pile, sat down and reasoned with himself thus: “Something is wrong with my business. The Sales Increase for last year was only 120 percent. It should have been 850 percent. The fault lies with my Sales Manager.” “True, he is a good slob, but he is not good enough. My Salesmen all like him and plug hard on his account, to say nothing of their own; but they don’t plug hard enough.” “What I
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HOT SKETCH NO. 15 The Young Satellites of Stallville
HOT SKETCH NO. 15 The Young Satellites of Stallville
CLARENCE and Bud lived in the same dotty dorp and went to the same little red-necked school. Clarence was a studious piece of Rocquefort and scored 100 in everything. Bud’s monthly report looked like the stock quotations in a demoralized market. Whenever anything was pulled in the shape of Rough House, Bud was usually the Chairman of the Board of Directors. Clarence, on yon other hand, always conducted himself in an Exemplary Manner and wore leggins. There was a big manufacturing plant in the to
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HOT SKETCH NO. 16 The Benedict Who Wisdomed-Up
HOT SKETCH NO. 16 The Benedict Who Wisdomed-Up
MARK McMARK was one of those good-lord-look-at-this-desk Business Bees that fish their noonday grub out of a Pie Incubator and rush up and pay what they think is approximately correct, and then snap back to their offices like a rubber band. When it came to Fortune Farming, Mark McMark was cutting a good clean furrow and he was as happy as the day is wide. In spite of this, he decided to get married. He did not first make up his mind to rivet-up, and then roll up his sleeves and go out on a hunt
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HOT SKETCH NO. 17 Two Business Baggers of Punkton
HOT SKETCH NO. 17 Two Business Baggers of Punkton
IN THE small burdock town of Punkton two rival manufacturing plants wiggled for supremacy. The destinies of one were ably steered by a veneered razorback named Grabit. At the helm of the other stood one, Fairman by name. Grabit was a Pillar and had a pew right down front, a little to windward. He used to sit ample and contented every Sunday morning listening to the little chinless preacher extol his Sterling Virtues to the blank-faced congregation. Fairman wasn’t cutting any bold slashing figure
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HOT SKETCH NO. 18 The Picayune Planet
HOT SKETCH NO. 18 The Picayune Planet
ONCE there was a ball-shaped mass of matter whirling through space called “The Earth.” Compared to other masses of matter chasing through the charted Universe, it was about as big and important as a louse on the leg of an elephant. The Earth was covered with millions of wiggling, jiggling, jumping little gnat-like creatures called “Men.” These “Men” told one another that they were the highest form of created life. And believed it. And thought they had a sense of humor. They made themselves a god
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HOT SKETCH NO. 19 The Passing of the Buck Passers
HOT SKETCH NO. 19 The Passing of the Buck Passers
THERE was a man of Pep and Potential who owned a large and constantly stretching Business. Originally it was the size of a pants button and consisted of one ratty Rolltop, two rubber-stamps and a nominal assortment of liabilities. National Advertising had dredged the Business out of the dump of Dinkyism and tossed it upon the apex of Affluence. The sudden and unexpected growth had sunk the Boss ear-deep in detail drudgery, and so he decided to surround himself with men who could balance some of
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HOT SKETCH NO. 20 The Executive With The Clerk’s Mind
HOT SKETCH NO. 20 The Executive With The Clerk’s Mind
A ONE-LEGGED manufactory had a little round office boy. He used to go down to the Post Office every morning on his roller skates and fetch up the mail in a leather sack. We forget the exact dimensions of the sack, but the story can go on without them until such time as we may be able to call them up. This office boy was a good office boy and did not carve his initials in his father’s wooden leg, nor hang around the streets watching a safe moving in. The manufactory in which he hopped about and
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HOT SKETCH NO. 21 The War Winning Patrioteer
HOT SKETCH NO. 21 The War Winning Patrioteer
HE WAS paunchy and broad-beamed and looked like one of Artist Young’s skippers of industry. The top of his dome was mercerized but there was a sturdy little hedge of auburn stubble running west of a line drawn parallel with the top of his right listener. This served as a dam to catch the honest perspiration from running down on his Henry Clay collar. It also gave him something semi-tangible to comb in the mornings. His full-orbed jowls were decorated with auburn fenders, parted in the middle and
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HOT SKETCH NO. 22 Typical American and Critical American
HOT SKETCH NO. 22 Typical American and Critical American
THERE was once a comfortable piece of suet who considered himself a Typical American and oozed oleaginous sentiments of Lofty Patriotism through a three-dimensional Mid Western brogue every time he saw a good opening. He loved America so much that he used to spend six months out of every year Abroad with his big cigars and his fat wife. He liked to get up on a barrel in every port he backed into, and tell the natives a few things about Our great liberty-loving America where every man was free to
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HOT SKETCH NO. 23 When Mental Leech Meets Mental Leech
HOT SKETCH NO. 23 When Mental Leech Meets Mental Leech
THERE was a temperamental manufacturer who used to come down to the office after a thick night in the Loop and unleash a long low growl about the lack of Initiative among his men. “There isn’t a kanoop among them,” he said, “that has the originality of a tadpole.” On a certain day, not unlike any other day in this particular establishment, the Sales Manager poked his nose gradually into the Boss’s office, and, sniffing the Boss within, squeezed cautiously into the room, scraping the nap all off
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HOT SKETCH NO. 24 The Export Group Grafter
HOT SKETCH NO. 24 The Export Group Grafter
ON A crisp and crackling December morn, a Jones Farm sausage with a big cigar and deep-dish collar of four-flusher fur, swished into the office of Messrs Eazley Skinned & Co., Manufacturers. He took out a race-track amplifier and announced that he was about to make a trip all the way to Europe in the interest of a group of Non Competitive manufacturers and would be pleased to let one other Representative Firm in on this satin-faced opportunity. Now the office of Messrs Eazley Skinned &am
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