Being the curious adventures of Theodore the Red Knight in his quest of the Third Cup, of his faithful companion Alice, of the Old Lady who lived in a shoe behind a high tariff wall, and divers quaint and lively persons, all comprising a veritable Theodyssey of incidents, set down in simple third terms...

REPRINTED FROM The Evening Post NEW YORK...

Alice was half-way through her cereal when the Red Knight came in and picked out a place at the same table facing her. He flung his coat over two hooks on the wall upside down. He then took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a ring on the floor and threw his hat into it. "Good morning, sir," said Alice, who never forgot her manners under any circumstances. "Good evening," said the Red Knight, as he opened his newspaper and began reading the last paragraph in the last column on the last pa

Soon they came to the top of the hill and Alice saw a large, heavy man with a genial smile standing on the lawn of the White House. "That," said the Red Knight with a frown, "is a deceptive candidate for the Presidency." "Why do you call him deceptive?" said Alice. "Because he always says what he means," replied the Red Knight. "But that isn't deceiving at all," said Alice. "Yes, it is," said the Red Knight angrily. "A man like that deceives people's hopes for novelty and excitement. Now I am a

The Red Knight had been rowing for a long time and Alice noticed that they were still in the same place. That was on account of the peculiar way in which the Red Knight handled the oars. He pulled at the right oar as hard as he could and pushed with the left oar as hard as he could and the boat went round and round in a circle. "We aren't getting any nearer the shore, are we?" he asked anxiously. "Not a bit," said Alice. "That's fine," said the Red Knight. "Now you can see that I am neither a wi

"Sometimes," said the Red Knight, "a situation arises where mere words will not do at all. Look at this paper, for instance." "It's a telegram, isn't it?" said Alice. "A special night-letter," said the Red Knight. "It's from the Prime Minister of Kansas. It says: 'When you take a third cup at breakfast, do you drink coffee like the plain people, or cocoa like the enemies of progress?' Now, words alone could not express my views on the subject. The only way I can answer this highly important ques

Alice was beginning to feel rather tired, when they turned another corner and saw the old woman who lived in a shoe. The landlord didn't like to have babies in the house, and the cost of living was dreadfully high, and so she didn't know what else to do. The Red Knight kissed every one of the children—there were just fifty-seven of them—and told them that under certain circumstances they might all be President some day. Alice had been long away from home, and the sight of the little ones almost

"Whichever way you look at it," said the Red Knight, "there is only one possible conclusion. I am the logical candidate at Chicago." "What is a logical candidate?" said Alice. "A logical candidate," said the Red Knight, "is one who, when the necessity arises, can prove that 'I won't' means 'I will.'" "That should be a very difficult thing to do," said Alice. " I find it the easiest thing in the world," said the Red Knight. "Let us look at it in this way: No one will deny that the President of th

"Having rallied my troops," said the Red Knight, "I will now march to settle the Trust problem at the head of my convincible army." "You mean in vincible, don't you?" said Alice. "I mean con vincible," replied the Red Knight. "Because we always march to battle convinced that we shall be robbed of the fruits of victory." "Then why fight at all?" said Alice. The Red Knight looked at her in astonishment. "If we don't fight, how can we cry fraud afterwards?" "But you don't absolutely have to cry fra

Yes, sure enough, just as Alice and the Red Knight turned the corner they spied the Good Trust and the Bad Trust standing quite still, with their hands in each other's pockets. Alice thought it very odd, because the day was quite warm. "They do that to keep in practice," said the Red Knight. To Alice they looked like twins. They were dressed in suits of Pittsburgh steel, with woollen caps in the form of Schedule K. and boots made by the Shoe-Machine Trust. "I am sure I could never tell them apar

It was the Comic Editor who suggested that they go uptown by the subway. It was the rush hour, so there was plenty of room for everybody. The Red Knight lay back in his seat and looked thoughtfully at Alice. "Now that I have got Oklahoma and there is no doubt as to how the rest of the country is going, I feel the need of a little recreation—" he said. "Wreckreation, you know," said the Comic Editor and nudged Alice in the side as he spelled out the joke for her. "Do you like puzzle pictures?" sa

"If you promise to keep quite still," said the Poet Laureate. "I will read you my latest poem." "I should be delighted," said Alice, whose manners never failed her. The Poet Laureate cleared his throat and read: The sun was shining in the sky, The time was 2 A. M. (No stand-pat luminary, he Progressived with a slam), And folks in bed were luncheoning Exclusively on jam. "This doesn't seem to be quite clear," said Alice. "Of course it isn't," said the Poet Laureate. "This is just to create the pr

"When I went to school," said the Red Knight, "I was particularly good at Riddles, Reverence and Rithmetic." "I've studied arithmetic in school and played riddles after school," said Alice, "but I don't know what you mean by Reverence." "I'm surprised," said the Red Knight. "Reverence means doing honor to great men. For instance, when I look at myself and am reminded of Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Napoleon, Mark Twain, Admiral Peary, and Joan of Arc, that means reverence. But perhaps you

Alice had been sprinkling water on his face and fanning him with her straw hat for several minutes, and still the Red Knight lay there quite motionless. He looked so wan and pale it made Alice's heart ache. But just when she had decided that a doctor must be sent for, the Red Knight opened his eyes and sighed. "Where are we?" he said. "We are still in North Dakota," said Alice. "And our opponents?" "They have gone somewhere else." "I knew it," said the Red Knight. "They have left the field to me

At the sight of the dear old lady in a pannier gown, Alice could not help uttering a little cry of delight. "Do let me introduce you," she said to the Red Knight, and she ran forward, pulling his steed along by the rein. "The Red Knight, Mrs. Malaprop," she said, and beamed upon both of them. "Not the Mrs. Malaprop," said the Red Knight, holding out one hand and clinging to the saddle with the other. "The same," said the old lady; "may I facilitate you upon the results in Illinois and Pennsylvan

"I will never go to Chicago," said the Red Knight. Alice looked up from her book. "What train won't you take?" she asked. "The 3:30," said the Red Knight. "And which would you rather not have, a lower berth or an upper one?" said Alice. "By all means a lower berth," said the Red Knight. "It makes no difference to me, you know." And so the next morning they sat at breakfast in the dining-car. Alice divided her attention between the grapefruit and the landscape, but the Red Knight was completely a

The train pulled into the station, and the Red Knight looked at his watch. "Forty minutes late," he said; "another infamous trick." He seized a telegraph blank, and wrote: "Congressman McKinley, Taft Headquarters—Brigand! Assassin! Polygamist! Collect." He turned to Alice. "I feel much better now," he said. "Let us go." Opposite them in the car sat a young lady who was reading "Thus Spake Zarathustra," and chewing gum. So they knew they were in Chicago. They came to a hotel that was taller than

The two armies were now face to face, and the Red Knight gathered his staff about him for a few final words of exhortation. "Remember, men," he said. "Victory is assured. On our side are all the honest men. Against us are all the thieves. We need only win forty of them over to our side and the battle is ours." Alice thought that was rather strange tactics, but she said nothing. She gazed with admiration at the Red Knight. He was resplendent in a new suit of armour fashioned out of lithographed p

They were once more on the Chicago Flyer, this time on the way East, and Alice looking out of the window, saw that within a few minutes they would be in New York. The Red Knight lay back in his chair, almost as worn and pale as after that terrible battle in North Dakota, when he fell off so often on his head. "A drink of water, please, Alice," said the Red Knight. They had mislaid their individual drinking-cups, so Alice brought him some water in his helmet, and after he had drunk, she bathed hi

Reprinted from The Evening Post The charming series of essays which have attracted many readers to the New York Evening Post , are here to be found in a bound volume. These witty and thoughtful lucubrations may henceforth be counted as a "permanent possession," and be stored on a book-shelf instead of wandering round as fugitive leaves. There is hardly an essayist of the present day in this country whose work seems better deserving of preservation.— The Literary Digest With the coming of "The Pa

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